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Everyone's encountered a job description that makes absurd demands and has impossible expectations. But we promise you, no job description has ever matched the pure, unadulterated bonkers energy of a Scientologist's ad seeking a nanny recently posted on Twitter.
The ad was shared by actress Hollis Jane Andrews, who applied for the nanny job back in 2013.
And, well... WHEW, it's something else.
Here is the list (color removed for image clarity):
@hollis_jane/Twitter
@hollis_jane/Twitter
After Andrews posted the employment ad it went viral, racking up more than 27,000 likes and well over 3,000 retweets.
And the reasons why start piling up from literally the first words on the page—"Hat Write Up"—which is Scientology-ese for "job description."
It gets weirder from there.
One of the first instructions is for the nanny to make sure the childrens' "rudiments" are "kept in"—more Scientology-speak for "sleep, food, watered," as if the children are house plants.
And then comes the children's daily schedule, which includes two hours of running, during which the nanny is commanded, "don't stop them running EVER," and, ominously, to "throw rocks and RUN with them."
Which brings up an important question. Is the throwing of rocks just another incidental activity, or is the nanny meant to throw rocks AT the children in order to not "stop them running EVER"?
Let's just hope it's the former.
Then comes lunch, which is "steak with ketchup." So you're probably thinking these boys are, say, 10 and 12, right?
WRONG. Because after lunch comes nap time, during which the boys are given bottles—filled with protein powder, no less.
Did you ever think you'd encounter a document in which the instruction to feed toddlers steak was somehow not the weirdest thing therein? There's a first time for everything, as they say.
And that's all before you even get to the part where the nanny is commanded to "magically transform into a cleaning Nazi" during naptime—all for the bargain price of $13 per hour.
On Twitter, people could not believe their eyes...
...except for the ones who knew a lot about Scientology, who absolutely could believe their eyes.
In case you're wondering, in a follow-up tweet Andrews explained she declined the job as soon as she saw the word "Dianetics" in the description.
We hope whoever did accept the position only the best.