Would you rather have large testicles or a large beard? Because, according to science, you can't have both.
Some very curious scientists recently published a study which compared the testicle sizes of over 100 primate species, including humans. They concluded that male primates have evolved to attract mates with either impressive "manes or beards" or by developing large testes, but that having both is an incredibly rare occurrence.
The team of scientists, from the University of Western Australia, says the choice between being "well-adorned or well-endowed" was one of energy conservation. It simply takes too much biological energy to grow both big testes and big beards.
This leads to flashy primates like baboons having testes "as small as a peppercorn" while plainer-looking primates can sport gonads as big as golfballs.
A co-author of the study, Dr Cyril Grueter from the University of Western Australia, summed up the findings perfectly for the Daily Mail:
"Some [primate] species sport flamboyant accoutrements such as beards, manes, capes and cheek flanges, and various shades of colour in their faces and fur. Others are pretty drab and look more like your Mr Average. This finding clearly shows that you can be well-adorned or well-endowed, but it's hard to be both."
It's unclear what this discovery means for humans, though it DOES seem unlikely that the observation has an impact from individual to individual.
That is to say, a man with a large beard doesn't automatically have small testicles—the team's findings seem to have been focused on the trend from species to species.
That didn't stop people on social media from making about ten thousand jokes, however:
Many less-than-secure broflakes were eager to discredit the scientist's research.
Obviously, people commented on the implied ability to change the size of one's testes by shaving.
Others thought there might be better things to spend one's time researching.
I guess all men will have to choose—do you want big facial hair or big balls?
Thanks to the wonders of science, we're finally that much closer to understanding what exactly gives primates big balls! A huge thanks to researchers everywhere for this new development.