The Best Ways To Tell If Someone's In An Open Relationship Or Actually Cheating On Their Partner

When In Doubt, Don't...

"If you're feeling off about it, don't do it."- Massive-Ad7628

Confirmation Needed From Both

"When the partner openly knows and acknowledges it."- EngineeringVirgin

"I was seeing a man who was married."

"He assured me that their relationship was open, that he had full permission to do whatever, and that if it would make me comfortable he would give me his wife’s number and she and I could chat."

"We saw each other for about four years."

"I went to pick him up at his house a couple times and his wife would say 'have a nice date!'."

"That’s the way to do it."

"Everything on the table."

"If there’s some sneakiness, something that makes you feel it’s not quite right, you need to listen to that feeling."- theyarnllama

"Ask to meet their partner."

"If they’re really open, it shouldn’t be a problem."- bloomautomatic

An Oldie But A Goodie...

"Ask them to pinky swear."- Still_kinda_hungry

Give Your Intentions A Second Thought As Well

"Agh."

"Ok so I’m in an open relationship with my partner and he hooked up with this girl, and we called her to go get a drink with us and she was like 'I knew he had a girlfriend, but I didn’t know you knew'.”

"After that I def didn’t want to hang out with her because she thought she was facilitating him cheating on me."

"Not cool."

"Intentions matter."- Physical_Witness_922

Ask And Answer

"In my experience, ask literally anything about what type of poly or open they are."

"Also anyone who isn't willing to get/show a recent std test isn't worth the risk."- Midori8751

Instructional Videos

"My SO and I just make videos explaining the situation and ground rules."

"That way, our potential partner know what they are dealing with."- TagtheCat

Doesn't Hurt To Check...

"I slept with a woman who was in an open marriage."

"Her husband called to check on her and ask if she was ok."

"She said she was fine and that was the extent of the call. I think that’s a pretty good indicator."- Fit-Concern-81

It's All About The Reaction

"When they introduce you to their SO as their lover and the SO is fine with it."

"Open relationships rarely sneak around on each other."- welltriedsoul·

“'So like…. You know your husbands screwing Ashley right….??'”

“'Yeah I know'.”- AkKik-Maujaq

It Must Be A Mutual Decision

"In my experience, one of my ex's said we were in an open relationship, however I didn't know that."

"So yeah, that's a cheater."

"I briefly dated someone that was in an open relationship (the couple were long distance)."

"I spoke on the phone with the girlfriend before any sex happened so we could all be on the same page regarding boundaries and intentions, what protection will be used, testing, etc."

"It really wasn't awkward, and I appreciated knowing that everyone was aligned."- korova_chew

If They Say No, That's A Problem

"Ask them if you can talk to their partner."- vivi2626

Don't Ask, Don't Tell... Don't Date!

"I've been poly for closing in on 2 decades."

"I used to run a large poly meetup in a huge metro area."

"I've seen it all, personally talked to several thousand+ poly folks over the years, etc."

"I REFUSE to engage with anyone in a DADT policy at all at this point."

"HARD F*CKING PASS, the vast majority of the time its cheating."

"And when its not I swear 95% of the time is because the couple with the DADT policy hasn't done any work around opening up their relationship and there are a LOT of problems involved."

"And I want nothing to do with that huge nightmare of a cluster f*ck anymore."

"Here's my perspective and where it comes from."

"The amount of cheating I've seen is beyond staggering."

"A huge percentage of the women I know have run into TONS of men that are cheating and try to use poly, dadt, etc as a guise to do it."

"I have zero reason to put that much trust in someone I just met. It's the same reason I ask for proof of STI testing."

"I can't understand people with the attitude of 'if you can't trust them why are you with them' the whole point is you don't know them that well why would you trust them?"

"This is one step in establishing some trust."

"The ethical part of ENM is a big big deal to me, and I refuse to be complicit in cheating and be put in an unethical situation."

"If cheating was rare it would be a different situation, but f**k it's common."

"I've verified 100% of my partners are in ethical situations, and none of them had a problem with it."

"I've had a number of their partners thank me for actually checking."

"I'll accept a few options for verification, a phone call, voice chat, a brief text exchange while my date is present, a prerecorded voice / video message, or showing me snippets of a conversation where being poly is discussed / confirmed and there is a long-standing chat history with said person."

"Most of the time I had already met or seen their partner, so I already knew it was ethical."- f*cklifehard

Many couples have said that their communication and commitment has greatly improved after opening their relationships.

When one half of a couple seeing other people causes pain and unhappiness, however, it seems clear that that relationship is not open in a healthy way.

Particularly if only one person is truly benefitting from it.