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If you've been missing the hilarious halcyon days of internet coverage of Gwyneth Paltrow's notorious ski trial, have we got news for you.
The actor's trial, stemming from her 2016 ski crash with 76-year-old optometrist Terry Sanderson, has been developed as a musical.
The show, titled—wait for it—Gwyneth Goes Skiing, opens December 13 and will run until December 23 at Pleasance London Main House Cabaret, just in time for Christmas!
The show is sure to be silly. Campy, over-the-top musicals, called "pantomimes," are a treasured British Yuletide tradition, and this one includes male actors in both its lead roles, with Linus Karp and Joseph Martin as Paltrow and Sanderson, respectively.
INTRODUCING OUR CHRISTMAS SHOW\n\u2744\ufe0fGwyneth Goes Skiing\u2744\ufe0f\n\nA Goop-founding Hollywood superstar. A retired Optometrist from Utah. One ski collision - and then a court case.\n\nThis is a story of love, betrayal, skiing, and (somehow) Christmas. Opening 13th Dec.\nhttps://t.co/WkqDFXzlHT— (@)
It also features songs by singer/songwriter Leland, who has worked with everyone from RuPaul to Troye Sivan.
An apparent exercise in absurdity, the show's synopsis reads:
"She’s the Goop-founding, Door-Sliding, Shakespeare-In-Loving, consciously-uncoupling Hollywood superstar."
"He’s a retired Optometrist from Utah."
"In 2016, they went skiing. On the slopes of Deer Valley, their worlds collided, and so did they – literally. Ouch."
"Seven years later in 2023, they went to court. Double ouch."
"This is their story. Kind of. Not really. But also, it’s at Christmas."
The show centers on the incident in which Paltrow and Sanderson collided on the ski slopes at Utah's Deer Valley. Sanderson then sued Paltrow for $3 million, saying she injured him and fled the scene.
He then amended his claim to $300,000, and Paltrow countersued for legal fees and damages of $1, saying that Sanderson overstated the gravity of the situation. Paltrow ultimately prevailed in the case.
Along the way, the trial became a 24-hour sensation on the internet, mainly because of the spectacle of seeing self-styled Earth goddess and GOOP founder Paltrow on the stand in a courtroom, unable to contain how over it all she was.
Naturally, the internet lost its mind at the news that Paltrow's trial is being adapted into a musical.
Here's hoping the final number is an ode to Paltrow's parting words from the courtroom, titled "I Wish You Well."