A couple routinely showered together at the start of their blossoming relationship.
Sure, it was adorable and the boyfriend would often get frisky, which Redditor "throw-RA124556" had no problem with. At first.
However, the novelty of the shared rinsing eventually wore off and became a problem when he wanted to have sex every time they showered.
And whenever the Original Poster (OP) said she wanted to shower solo, he would call her "selfish."
The OP asked AITA (Am I the a**hole) for not wanting to take a showers with her "clingy" boyfriend.
"So my (female 19) boyfriend (male 20) and i have been together for a year and a half. When we first got together, we showered with each other a lot."
"It was nice, especially because it was mostly at his house and I wasn't familiar enough with his house to want to shower by myself."
The shared regimen was cute...at first.
"So I'd always go home to shower, and come back to see him, but we just started showering together, basically every other time until I moved in."
"But after I moved in, he got very clingy, which is 100% fine btw. But he insisted on showering together for every shower."
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"Since we are together a lot, I just wanted some alone time and often looked forward to showering so I could have some privacy, especially with shaving. I feel awkward doing it around my boyfriend."
It's always a steamy affair. Literally.
"It's also the matter that he's always all over me in the shower, which is normal but he always tries to have sex with me, and often gropes me and begs for sex the whole shower."
"So I literally can't even just shower when it's together. Don't get me wrong, I love showering with him, but it's not just how a regular shower would go, so it's just not practical to shower with him everyday lol."
And yet, he's not very considerate when it comes to sharing the space together.
"Also, when we do shower together, he literally stands under the water 80% of the time. So I literally get to rinse my hair twice and body once and then I get out because he does."
"So now every time my boyfriend showers (everyday) he asks if I want to come with him. I try to do it at least every other week, but he gets upset when I say no."
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"When I say I'm going to go shower, he asks if he can join, and if not can he just sit on the toilet until I'm done?"
"I've tried talking to him about it, because his mood changes so quickly when I tell him I don't feel like it. I told him my reasonings and he just doesn't care. I don't know how to get it through to him anymore."
"Despite knowing my reasons, which are valid to me, he still asks constantly. I know it's a sweet thing that we started early on, but as we've grown in our relationship, sometimes I just want to do my own thing for thirty minutes."
After repeatedly not getting his way, he resorted to name-calling.
"He's called me selfish, and has said I don't value the time we have together (even though we are together every hour of the day now)."
"I compared it to him having his video games, he gets however long he wants to talk to his friends on mic and play games and get away from me for a little bit."
"I don't usually get that, because I'm usually cooking, cleaning or watching tv and texting my friends. All of which happens around him. So a shower is truthfully the one place I get to be by myself."
"So AITA? Thanks in advance."
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked to weigh in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
This Redditor was concerned for the OP and accused the boyfriend of "gaslighting."
"NTA. You are totally fair in your reasoning for not wanting to shower with him, and you are even willing to compromise."
"His behavior though is pretty gross and raises a red flag for me."
"Especially since he begs for sex and doesn't really share the shower anyway. Telling you that you are being selfish and not appreciating your time together kind of goes into gaslighting territory and isn't right at all."
"You are allowed to set your own boundaries and say no to things you don't want to do, period." – leahleahbea
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"I think you nailed this honestly this post reminds me so much of my gaslighting ex I felt sick whilst reading it."
"He doesn't show considerate to the OP, doesn't respect her saying no and wears her down until she does what he wants. He doesn't seem to care that she needs time for herself which suggests he doesn't care about her needs full stop and whines like a brat when he doesn't get what he wants."
"It seems like OP thinks she has to give in to his demands for sex and doesn't mention actually enjoying it at all." – twiglet95
Not all showering partners are built the same.
"Exactly this, and why I always thought I hated showering with anyone until my current bf came around."
"He gives me time to do my shaving first so I just call out and he joins me later, he washes my hair sometimes (while I melt at getting a head rub) and when his hair is longer I wash his."
"We make out a little, sometimes there's sex sometimes there's not. I used to need showers as alone time, now I feel kinda lonely sometimes when he doesn't feel like joining!" – Ayo1912
"My boyfriend and I are at the point where we shower together a few times a month."
"He doesn't like to shower with me because I turn the water to it's hottest setting (bad for my hair I am aware)! When we do shower together, I've had him shave my legs!" – trigoncalc-35
Some felt this was borderline creepy behavior.
"NTA. At first I was like 'that's weird' but then reading about how gropy he gets while in the shower, and how you end up not really taking a proper shower anyways, hoo boy."
"At best, he's just immature and unaware. At worst, he's kind of a creep." – fjgwey
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"Also, NTA. Your boyfriends behavior is gross, and really disrespectful."
"Especially the part about begging to have sex every time. That made me cringe. Not trying to be mean, but he sounds like a creep."
"I know when you're young being with someone clingy seems cute, and makes you feel loved, but it's really not a good thing."
"(This coming from someone who married the clingy boyfriend. Luckily mine was never as bad as yours, and as he's gotten older he's learned that he's not entitled to the level of constant physical affection he wants just because he wants it, and it's worked out fine. But it was not fun for a long time for me. And actually fairly stressful.)"
"in your case, he doesn't seem remotely concerned with healthy, normal boundaries."
"I would honestly recommend taking a long look at what it would feel like to deal with that forever and decide if it's worth it. I would be more surprised than not if this behavior changed." – _themoodyblue
Hopefully, the OP can wring out the drama with a sensible discussion before the relationship goes down the drain.
*If you enjoyed this article, you can read more like it by clicking on the AITA link below.*
The book Mind Games: Emotionally Manipulative Tactics Partners Use to Control Relationships is available here.