Having a child is a life-changing decision.
Having a newborn can quite literally turn your entire life upside-down.
Much like the lockdown that comes with a global pandemic, you're finding that your day-to-day is significantly altered. You're changing diapers, or feeding, or putting the baby to sleep; sleeping four or less hours a night; and overcoming new challenges with your significant other that you could have never seen on the horizon.
So when Redditor LunaBlueXx and her significant other had a disagreement about having a baby and LunaBlueXx went behind her wife's back, she turned to Reddit to see if she'd made the right decision.
On the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" or "AITA," she explained the situation.
She came into the relationship with a son already, so obviously a new child is a no-brainer.
"My wife and I have been together for 5 years. Even when we were dating we both always expressed our desire to have more children, I already have an 8 year old son who I had before I met her. She has been absolutely amazing to him and he adores her."
"2 years ago I mentioned that I wanted to try for another child and we began looking at potential donors. We finally picked one but she said she wanted to be the one to pay for it and that she wanted to be off work that day to actually participate in the insemination. I found it odd (her wanting to save for it by herself) but agreed and waited for 8 months without mentioning it, assuming that she was saving."
But two years came and went.
"Sept. 2018 came by and I mentioned it again to her and she simply said she doesn't have enough money saved and maybe it wasn't best time right now since we were moving. I said ok, figured it was logical and waited again. As we settled into new house and it is now April 2019 I asked again if she thought we should try. At this point I'm really want to have another child, she says no, because that same day she discovers that her job is switching companies and she may be out of a job during the change."And then our Original Poster, or OP, started wondering if her wife even wanted a child.
"I told her I had no problem paying for the process as I always have money set aside and I also pay all of our bills. She was firm on the no and didn't want to discuss it further and to my sadness I just said ok. I never mentioned it trying for another child to her again because I just felt like she didn't want to have children at the point."
But then, hope appeared, only to be immediately dashed.
"Then around Oct. 2019 she tells me she wants to try again. At this point I'm filled with joy, I finally can add another addition to our family. I come from a big family and always wanted a huge family myself. Then I fell sick and discovered that I had a tumor in my lung (noncancerous), so my wife said to wait until we discovered what was wrong."
And then, due to current events, hope was dashed yet again.
"My doctors said I was cleared to try again in March 2020 and I wanted to start the process immediately but to my disappointment, my wife has said no because of COVID-19 and that she wants a 'Spring baby' not a winter baby. Now I was just fed up, tired of the excuses and without her, I ordered from the bank and completed the insemination without her and it was successful!"
So after going behind her wife's back, she's now faced with her wife's fury.
"I shared the news with my wife and she is furious. She's upset I did it without her approval, and that I went against her demands. She says I left her out of an important marital issue and I was being selfish. I argued that it's been 2 years, she knows how bad I want children and she's not being considerate of my feelings and desires in all of this."
"TLDR: AITA for getting pregnant without my wife's involvement? For anyone who is confused, I am a female as well, and I am the one carrying our child."
Redditors decided where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
The answers were quite varied, with some settling on everybody being at fault.
"I really feel like this is an issue for marriage counseling, not for Reddit. I don't even know where to begin here tbh. I would highly recommend seeing a therapist or counselor for this."
"I think I would have to go with ESH for a judgment here. Yes, you wanted another child but that is a decision for both parents to make. Even though the child is not genetically hers, you two are partners and you should be making those decisions together. She had expressed to you that she wanted to wait and honestly you should have respected that. Seeing your edit that says she actually didn't want a kid, she's also the AH for not being up front with you about her wishes. She definitely should have told you how she was feeling.~acrazycatmom"
"YTA. What you've done is incredibly selfish, instead of mediating the issue you've made a decision that could potentially impact you both for the next eighteen years. I don't blame your spouse for being angry."~DontCutMyUsernamePlz
"YTA - You're setting this poor child up for resentment from your wife. Yes, she was dragging her feet, but getting pregnant in secret is a shady move. There might have been a deeper underlying issue to her dragging her feet. It's too late now, but I hope she comes around, or your poor baby will be the one to suffer for it."~the_mickie
"ESH she should have communicated whatever her issue is instead of making excuses to put it off but you are crazy if you think there was ever going to be any outcome besides the one you got."~SailorSpoon11
"ESH - Your wife sucks a bit for not saving in the first place or making more effort to do this over the two years but I would agree with her that losing a job, COVID and discovering a tumour are very good reasons not to have a child at that time. Lack of money or heath can have a direct impact on the child and being able to bring it up."
"You are more TA because you do not bring a child into a marriage without both partners being aware of it and fully happy to be participating."
"If you were really so impatient then you should have made it clearer that you were going to do it now. She obviously wanted to be part of the process and you've taken that away from her."~Jambomo
Though a fair amount of people thought OP was fully to blame.
"YTA - she delayed and that's on her. BUT YOU COMPLETELY LEFT THE PERSON THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR CHILD'S PARENT OUT OF THE PROCESS! It is literally not her child in way shape or form. No say in the donor. No contribution to paying (geez even I can figure out from what little you wrote that's why she wanted to pay - you're carrying, it's literally her only contribution to the child's creation!) You didn't even let her be there for the insemination."
"Regardless of how a child is created, insemination is kind of a monumental point of the process that both parents should be there for if there are going to be 2 parents. But I guess that's the point here. You did do everything with all the parents this child will have. All one of you. Her stalling was worth conversations and maybe even marriage counseling because something was holding her back. My guess... she knew in her heart you were an asshole she didn't want a kid with. But THIS? THIS is grounds for divorce. It's a deal breaker. Selfish isn't even the start of it."~Laurielpl3
"Yeah. YTA. Hiding any huge decision like having a baby from your wife is a huge a**hole move. No matter how much you want a baby, you owe your spouse, at the literal bare minimum, the respect to let them know you are drastically changing their life without their consent."~AHostileUniverse
"YTA. While I can sympathise with you, I have to say you did exclude your partner and that's a big red flag. You talk about her considering you but your actions clearly didn't consider her."~Badnotseemod
"YTA. Life happens, things get delayed. If this was a water tank being replaced or a car you could still justify it- but a child, a pregnancy (one that she had wanted to experience physically herself) is a BIG deal."
"Could she have communicated better? Yeah, probably but the reality is, you went behind her back with the insemination because you just didn't want to discuss anymore and knew there would be conflict. You know you're the A In this situation but it is what it is at this point- hope you can win her over."~MaximusIsKing
OP did end up having a conversation with her wife.
She provided an update.
"Didn't sleep last night so my wife and I talked when she got home, and I apologized over and over knowing how I left her out of something important. If I really took the time to think it through, I probably wouldn't have been so impulsive in my actions."
"She confessed to me she never really wanted to have kids, she doesn't like the idea of me be pregnant at all and isn't generally interested in seeing any woman pregnant ever. It isn't attractive to her and she's sorry, she put off telling me for so long, knowing it meant so much to me."
"She loves our family and my son as her own, but that's because she never had to be there before he was born. She doesn't think she'll be here for the entire pregnancy, and I understood. The damaged I caused is far from being repaired, and it may never be. But thanks everyone for your opinions and advice. I wish you all well."
So while there is more understanding now, there is still major work to be done on the relationship before things can get better.
*If you enjoyed this article, you can read more like it by clicking on the AITA link below.*