Have you ever read a think-piece article where it's blatantly obvious that the author didn't bother to, ya know, think?
Of course you have, this is the internet.
Brace yourselves, because we're about to talk about an article that sent readers down a bathroom-related rabbit hole that insists pretty much all of our home restrooms are terrifying and dangerous.
The article in question, by an author named Madeleine Kearns, is just one of a whopping FORTY TWO articles written on this one website by this one author in the last few months which attack trans people or issues related to trans rights.
While some of the articles may be a bit easier to wrap your head around than others, this most recent one has found itself getting dragged all over social media. Not only is it transphobic and problematic (obviously), but it makes literally no sense.
According to Madeleine, single occupancy lockable gender neutral bathrooms are pointless, wasteful, sexist, reduce camaraderie and are a threat to privacy.
Take a moment there.
It didn't fully sink in until we read it a few times ourselves.
"Single occupancy lockable gender neutral bathrooms" is a really fancy and complicated way of saying "the bathroom." She is literally describing the bathrooms we have in our homes, the ones we find on airplanes, trains and busses—the bathrooms most people would say they feel the most comfortable and secure using.
Madeleine's article starts by telling a brief story about a little girl going to use the restroom, opening the door and finding three little boys inside. She closed the door, waited til they were done, and then went to use the restroom herself.
None of the children, not the boys and not the little girl, bothered to lock the lockable door. The little girl told Madeleine that the boys had tried to peep on her.
At this point, Madeleine had some choices to make. She could have, as most people would, explained to her young companion that bathrooms have locks on them and, while she may not need to lock the bathroom at home, it was wise to do so in public places.
Then show her how.
She could also have explained the importance of knocking before you open a bathroom door. Quick little lessons on restroom etiquette are the kinds of things children need.
Instead, Madeleine decided to go on a strangely misandric and factually untrue rant for the little girl—and then write a whole article about it.
In this excerpt, Madeleine describes what she told the little girl after the bathroom incident:
"Little boys are little savages, I told her gently, adding that very few improve with age. More importantly, I explained that gender-neutral bathrooms were only recently invented. And, evidently, by some very careless and wasteful people who don't mind sacrificing the privacy, hygiene, and camaraderie of the female toilet experience."
How we imagine this little girl's inner monologue:
First of all, apparently little boys and men are just savages who cannot be taught proper bathroom etiquette. Sorry, fellas. Madeleine the bathroom overlord has deemed you disgusting and unworthy of sharing the same toilet.
Secondly, gender-neutral bathrooms are in no way a recent invention. The child has a bathroom in her home. She is aware that gender-neutral bathrooms are not new.
Thirdly, what on earth is the camaraderie of the female toilet experience‽‽
As a cisgender woman who has been female on this planet for the entire thirty-seven years of my life, I have literally zero idea what the author is talking about here.
What camaraderie‽ Why does it revolve solely around the "toilet experience"‽ Have I been toileting wrong my whole life‽‽
So many questions.
Madeleine then goes on to explain how these sorts of restrooms are pointless since most people care more about other issues. Things get pro-Trump/anti-Obama for a paragraph or two.
She then touches on how wasteful they are before once again landing on the importance of the female bathroom experience.
We're not going to spoil it by laying it all out for you, but by the end of the article we were a little bit worried about whether the author had ever had an actual friend or if she was just hanging out in public bathrooms doing #GirlyThings hoping to get absorbed into a traveling herd of women like a frightened and displaced antelope.
It turns out we weren't the only one concerned with Madeleine, her bathroom obsession and her fixation on trans people.
Media Matters editor Parker Malloy went on a whole tweet storm about it. Parker even went point-by-point outlining the ridiculousness of it all.
Kick back, this could take a while to get through:
Other Twitter users were sufficiently confused (and disgusted) as well.
But let's end this with a gloriously terrible pun, shall we?