With the bigotry transgender people face, it's understandable if they choose not to divulge every aspect to their lives to people who don't have any reason to know.
A man whose wife is transgender chose not to out his wife to his bigoted parents, but now that decision is drawing ire from his sister. Uncertain if he did the right thing, the man turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Redditor liedabtfertilityta asked:
"AITA for lying about my wife having fertility issues?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife is trans and we met for the first time after she fully medically and surgically transitioned. Nobody besides her family (and my sister, who found out on her own) really knows this, and she wants to keep it that way."
"Anyway, we both wanted to have kids young so we adopted our little girl before the pandemic started. Because of everything that's been going on, my parents didn't really get to meet her until last week, and my sister and her husband were also there."
"My parents are very conservative, and they've been a bit disappointed about the fact that we adopted—nothing really explicit, but just subtle things. After they met our daughter, though, they melted a little (because how could you not?) but they still wanted to know why we adopted."
"I felt a bit clever saying 'fertility issues,' because we do have fertility issues, just not the kind my parents probably thought."
"My sister didn't say anything at the time, but she let loose on me later."
"I forgot that she has fertility issues, and she started yelling at me saying that she's been spending tens of thousands of dollars on in-vitro, how depressed it's made her, how her marriage is on the rocks, and how she's traumatized from her miscarriages (I didn't know she had any)."
"She told me that she trusted me with that and that I'm immature. I told her that we technically do have fertility issues, and she said it's different because we 'chose' to have our [fertility issues] and we knew what we were getting into."
"She said that it wasn't our issue to appropriate. All the women I dated before my wife were cis, but I didn't fall in love with any of them."
"I don't think I 'chose' to fall in love with her, so that made me pretty upset."
"I wouldn't have felt like I was in the wrong until my sister told me that I could have just said that I felt like it would be better for the world to adopt."
"I still think it would have been met with a lot of suspicion and criticism from my parents, but that would have been the easiest way to avoid anybody getting hurt, and now I've built this unnecessary rift between my sister and I."
"My wife says that we do have fertility issues and she feels bad for my sister because of everything she's going through, but ultimately we have nothing to apologize for because we told the truth."
"I don't know what to think about all this. AITA?"
Redditors were asked to weigh in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA. Wouldn't 'I felt like it would be better for the world to adopt' also be judging your sister who went through IVF and miscarriages in the hope of having a biological child?
"You couldn't win here."
"That said, if you love your sister, find a way to reconcile. She has been through a lot, and she lashed out in a way that was emotional and not rational."
"Don't waste precious time waiting for her to make the first move, even if she should." ~ WebbieVanderquack
The OP responded to the feedback.
"Thank you for responding."
"I love my sister very much (I was the annoying little brother growing up, if you can tell.) Right now, she says she doesn't want to speak to me, but I'm definitely going to be checking up on her a bit better from now on."
"So many people have been talking about how in-vitro affects your hormones and I definitely understand how she's traumatized from her miscarriages, so I'm really not upset with her and I just hope we can repair things as soon as possible."
"I'm a little bit afraid of her saying anything about my wife to our parents, though. She was judgmental when she found out about her being trans at first, but she grew into accepting it, and I just hope she doesn't take any steps backwards as far as that goes."
"I would find it hard to forgive anyone who targets my wife like that."
Other Redditors concurred that the OP was NTA, especially considering their response.
"Double NTA for this comment!"
"You're being super understanding while still having an extremely valid line in the sand re: respecting your wife's privacy." ~ Doctor-Liz
"NTA. 'she said it's different because we "chose" to have ours and we knew what we were getting into'."
"That's complete bullshit. Your wife didn't choose to be trans and you didn't choose who you fell in love with."
"Sorry your sister is struggling, but she's the asshole for thinking that you're 'appropriating' fertility issues. [Jesus f'king christ]. Just because your fertility issues aren't exactly the same as hers, that doesn't make yours invalid." ~ Wikidess
"And who says OP's wife ISN'T devastated that she can't bear a child herself? Just because she knew it was impossible from the start doesn't make it any less disappointing." ~ angelcat00
The OP responded to this comment too.
"It's been devastating for my wife too. Not only is it a major source of dysphoria for her, but it was difficult for her to come to terms at first that she could never have biological kids."
"Our daughter is the most important girl in the world, and we'd never trade her for any biological kid, but it's still something that very much affects my wife. Thank you for responding."
While the OP's sister was coming from a place of personal pain, the OP has Reddit's assurance that they were not the cause of it.