A newly divorced woman was ready to celebrate her new status by getting back in the saddle for a wild night of unbridled sex.
She experienced the hottest sex with a guy with whom she previously had a "play date."
However, things took a turn with a disastrous discovery post coitus that left her wondering if she will ever see him again. Let's just say the original poster gave a lot more of herself than she ever intended, and it was unquestionably hot and steamy.
Redditor "hirevelations" is here to provide you with all the juicy details in the always reliably entertaining "Today I F'd Up" subReddit.
"Tonight's booty call went horribly wrong."
"After almost a year of separation, my divorce was finalized this week. And what a better way to celebrate, than with a good old fashioned booty call."
"I had recently reconnected with a man I had previously had some playtime with. The last time we were together, I had what was probably the best sex of my life."
"So to say I was excited to be talking with him again was an understatement."
"After some basic chat, we made plans to meet up tonight. This next tidbit may seem like TMI, but it's important to the story."
You've been warned.
The OP was assured that not even her temperamental birth control device would prohibit them from doing the Shasta McNasty.
"My IUD does not play nice and more often than not I'm bleeding to some extent. Tonight included. But he was fine with that, so we kept our plans."
"He comes over, and things instantly get heated. More MIND BLOWING sex commences. Hot, steamy, sheet soaking sex. We take some time to recharge and go for round 2."
"Not as hot and steamy, but still damn good. I lay down next to him, but under the covers."
But then, the hot guy realized they were not alone.
"He gets up and starts getting dressed. We have some small talk, and then he walks over to my side of the bed and looks at the floor."
"'What is THAT?' He says."
"'What?' I look over the edge of the bed. There are two dark spots on the floor. 'Eh. I'll clean it up.'"
"Y'ou know what this is, right?' He asks."
"'I'm pretty sure it's...'"
"'It's not blood" he interrupts. 'That's not red.'"
"'What??'"
Since the answer did not infiltrate her nostrils, he had to spell it out for her.
"Again, he says 'That's not blood. That's BROWN. You know what that is.'"
"'No.' I stammer. 'That can't be. I would have known if that happened.'""
"He just starts laughing, DOUBLE CHECKS HIS SOCKS, and heads down my stairs, and out the door."
Apparently, the sex was that good.
"Y'all. I came so hard, I pooped."
"Somehow, during round 1, my body was contracting so intensely, I actually dropped two small turds."
"And since my ass was off the edge of the bed, they landed on my bedroom floor without either of us noticing. In my defense, I had just finished a round of augmentin a few days prior, and my stomach is still readjusting."
"Pretty sure he's already deleted my contact info. He's given me the best sex of my life, and it's most likely never happening again.
Redditors had a field day in the comments.
"It's all sh*ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh*ts." – Clint_Zombiwood
"More like doody call" – Mayorofunkytown
Pornographic video game titles might include:
"Call of doody" – KTH3000
"Brown ops 2" – QewQewXIII
"Special plops" – cassafrass04
Some had a feeling this would not be the last time the OP will see of him, even though he saw more than he bargained for.
"Next time you message him just ask him to come f'k the sh't out of you again" – Scouty1989
"If this guy is enjoying the sex as much as she was (or even close) and now knows he has a single woman waiting to do this over and over, unless she made a big deal about it it'd be something they can laugh over between rounds."
"Personally it wouldn't be remotely a deal breaker for me." – steveryans2
"I mean, he laughed.He's also the kind of guy who isn't daunted by a little blood from the IUD, so I'd imagine this wouldn't end it for him." – TootsNYC
"I've had this happen, and I was MORTIFIED. I thought he was going to walk out, never to be seen again."
"Spoiler: we're married now."
"You're going to be ok, OP. The embarrassment will fade, and you have a funny story to tell for the rest of your life." – Karaokoki
"Mine only happened a few weeks ago.... I had a dodgy stomach and let out a rather wet fart in bed didnt think much of it."
"Went to the toilet few mins later came back and the poor girls got sh*t all down her leg and on the sheets.... man not only was it mortifying for me it was horrible for her. But luckily we laughed it off! Shes a keeper!" – Blazed_Banana
We never stop learning, for better or for worse.
"I've learned 2 strange things this week."
"1. Turtle can technically breathe out their a**holes while hibernating."
"2. Somebody can have the shi* f'ked out of them." – vdubplate
This anecdote possibly rivals the OP's for most ridiculous poopy sex.
"So a few years ago I was having sex with this girl in a hotel, she was on her hands and knees on a chair and we were having anal sex, I pulled out and her ass started to bubble."
"I started laughing and she reached back to feel what I was laughing at, at this point it was on her fingers and she said OMG is that poop is that poop and she she went to smell her fingers, we were both really drunk so she got poop on the end of her nose."
"At this point I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe, she jumps up and the poop feel of her onto the floor, I look down and it had into my brand new white Adidas Goodyear's I bought that morning, she was absolutely mortified."
"I looked at her and said 'Great now my shoes look like Adidas and smell like Pooma!!' Then we both laughed our asses off, very best part is I have the whole thing on video somewhere." – MalachHamavet666
This user wanted to know the secret behind the fecal caper, and many responded agreeing that communication is the key that unlocks everything, even poop chutes.
"Ok, everyone is talking about the poop, but what I want to know is: what did this guy do that made the sex so good? what's the LPT here?" – zimtastic
"Gotta find what works for the girl. Communication is key."
"My wife and I always have generally had good sex but the dial got turned into 11 when I got curious and used my fingers to figure out what spots shes especially weak at."
"Found out the front wall of her vagina really sets her off. Then next time we had sex I brought one leg up and then had her head hanging off the edge of the bed to emphasize my d*ck placement at that front wall area. The rest was history." – TheRapidfir3Pho3nix
"Dude no one will be able to give you an answer because all girls like different stuff."
"Just keep practicing with people who are really open about what they want and you'll soon have an arsenal of orgasm-inducing tricks, one of which is bound to induce exorcist-level convulsions in whoever you'd like." – RoystenMantis
One scarred user cautioned against this one thing.
"I'll tell you what not to do, if you get an adventurous sorta girl that says let's try these anal beads, DO NOT I repeat DO NOT pull those things out like you're trying to start a lawn mower! That turns into a sh**ty situation quick." – oar3421
Class was still in session over the shizznet-during-sex phenomenon.
"Wait how the F does this happen? How can you poop while orgasming? There's something about woman anatomy and biology that I'm just not understanding anymore. Wtf?" – Tribaltech777
"An orgasm makes all the organs and muscles in your pelvis contract."
"Muscle contractions are how you poop (forced, but same as involuntary). If you already had one in the chamber, so to speak, the contractions of orgasm would force it out."
"Especially for women because our organs (uterus, bladder, bowels) are all pushed up against one another." – bondedboundbeautiful
Well, now we all know more than we ever wanted.
