an Oh Myyy Property

The Sad, Drunk Toys 'R' Us Giraffe Just Went on 'Jimmy Kimmel Live'

Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images

On Wednesday, March 14, Toys "R" Us announced it would be closing or selling all of its U.S. stores in the face of almost certain bankruptcy. Since then, the once unquestioned king of toy sales has been endlessly eulogized on social media (though most of the stores have yet to actually cease operations). As a place where kids could be unashamedly excited and find cool products made just for them, the dying retailer holds a singular place in many consumer's hearts. But the closing of Toys R Us will have the largest impact on one person in particular: Geoffrey the Giraffe, an anthropomorphic savannah animal who is also Toys "R" Us's longtime mascot.

Geoffrey stumbled onto the set of "Jimmy Kimmel Live" on Thursday, March 15. He had a lot on his mind. It was not easy to watch.

Poor Geoffrey...


Things started out innocently enough, with the mascot greeting the crowd in his usual buoyant tone, asking them:

Do you guys like toys?!

True to form, the audience responded with cheers! Geoffrey then dropped some bad news:

Well, I don't have any. Because we're bankrupt! *Giraffe Sobs*

Geoffrey said some things he couldn't take back.

When Jimmy told the giraffe everything was going to be okay, Geoffrey responded:

Oh no it's not! No it's not because all you b*****s bought toys on Amazon! Now I'm out of a job!

It was at this point Jimmy smelled the alcohol on Geoffrey's breath. Sobbing, Geoffrey sang the famous Toys "R" Us theme song:

I don't wanna grow up
I'm a Toys R Us kid
There's a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with!
...but not anymore.

Twitter was equal parts mocking and supportive, strange as that may sound.

And fortunately, the stores up in Canada have yet to close (though many believe their days are numbered)!

Geoffrey blamed his store's failure on Amazon and other online delivery websites.

Everyone agrees the rise of online stores like Amazon, combined with increased prominence from big-box retailers like Walmart and Target, contributed to the toy store's demise. However, many are also pointing a finger at the private equity firms that saddled Toys "R" Us with $5 billion in debt. In last September's bankruptcy filing, Toys "R" Us revealed they had to spend $400 million every year just to manage their debt, which made it incredibly difficult to turn a profit, let alone pay for store improvement and upkeep. The company hasn't posted a full-year profit since 2012, and has lost $2.5 billion in that time.

But, to be honest, I doubt any of that will help poor Geoffrey. Our hearts are with you, old friend! Hopefully you'll pull yourself up by your bootstraps and find a new, happy life.

H/T - Huffpost, CNN Money, The New York Times

Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office

This Sunday, Robert Hayes was arrested in West Palm Beach, Florida, after being linked to one murder and potentially more.

He was seen during a brief hearing on Monday and denied bail.

Keep reading... Show less
Che Rosales/Getty Images, Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic for Clusterfest via Getty Images

Days after hiring stand-up comic Shane Gillis for the 45th season of Saturday Night Live, Gillis was let go from the show after racist, homophobic and misogynistic comments were uncovered.

And while Gillis had the opportunity to apologize or admit an error in his thinking, he instead claimed:

"My intention is never to hurt anyone but I am trying to be the best comedian I can be and sometimes that requires risks."
Keep reading... Show less
Press Association Images - Sussex Police

An 11-year-old girl has scared off an armed robber by throwing bread at him with her father.

Keep reading... Show less
A shark swims towards a surfer (Christopher Joye)

A surfer was saved from a possible shark attack thanks to a warning from a drone flying above the ocean.

Keep reading... Show less
Columbia Police Department / Twitter

Last week, daycare employees Emma Dietrich and Joshua Tennant, were tried for child endangerment after assisting students in the assault of a five-year-old student.

Dietrich, 31, and Tennant, 27, were aides in the same classroom at Worthington Learning Center.

Keep reading... Show less

The Irving Park Blue Line subway station in Chicago has a major pigeon poop problem.

Chicago lawmaker Jaime Andrade couldn't have asked for a better live demonstration of that fact as he gave an interview drawing attention to the problem.

A pigeon opted to do the deed right on the Chicago politician.

Keep reading... Show less