Pregnancy can be hard.
Ideally, when a couple decides to have children, they should both be on-board with the responsibilities and changes now facing them.
One woman found herself flabbergasted when, while pregnant, she asked her husband if he would help more around the house. His response was no.
His reasoning? Because he believes they're both basically pregnant.
The husband wrote into the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit, hoping for "honest feedback."
He emphasized first that he wanted feedback and didn't want to draw his wife's attention.
"I know this sounds bad, but hear me out. im using a throwaway cuz my wife uses reddit, so please don't upvote this. I just want honest feedback."
The couple decided to try for their fourth baby.
Each pregnancy has been hard, so it should have been no surprise this one was too.
"My wife (29f) and I (27m) do well financially, so we decided to have our fourth child. Every single pregnancy we've been through my wife has been a complete nightmare."
The husband has clear limits on what he's comfortable with doing during the pregnancy.
"Some things I can deal with, like waking up to the sound of her puking her guts out every morning, but when she starts demanding I go to the store every day to get her snacks or set up her foot bath thingy because her feet are swollen, I get a little impatient."
"I work way longer hours than her in a much more physically demanding profession (I'm a plumber, she's an engineer) so I think we're putting an equal amount of effort into this baby."
He also pointed out that he believes their workload at home is very similar.
"And it's not like I don't help around the house, either. She does all the cooking and dishes, but I do laundry, take out garbage, and mow the lawn (we pay someone to do the floors and bathrooms weekly)."
"My MIL comes over to help with the kids because she says I'm useless (ive been meaning to make a justnomil post about her), and while I appreciate the help I'm sick of her crap. Just because I want one hour of video games to myself a day instead of cleaning up messes in the kitchen doesn't mean I'm 'useless'."
His wife asked for help while making dinner.
It didn't go well.
"This all came to head yesterday when my wife screamed at me from the kitchen to get off my a** and entertain our twins so she could focus on her meatloaf. I made a dumb joke about how this is the third meatloaf we'll be eating this week, and she. lost. her. s**t."
"She told me how I have no sympathy for the fact that she's pregnant, I should be taking on more of her chores since I can't breastfeed, but then I reminded her that I still work a lot more hours than her, so I think we're basically both pregnant."
His wife didn't respond well to this concept.
"She got really quiet, and has only spoken to me regarding the kids since. I don't think I'm wrong but I'll apologize to her if it makes her happy. AITA here?"
He also came back later to specify the breaks his wife gets while he is at home.
"Edit: my wife does get breaks, guys. I set up the annoying foot bath thing every night while she does dishes and then she relaxes with it while watching YouTube every night while I put the kids to bed. She also won't eat my cooking because she grew up in southeast Asia and doesn't like American food. It's not my fault she's picky."
"It's [also] a Korean BBQ meatloaf she makes since some people pointed out meatloaf is typically American."
Perhaps unfortunately for him, his wife also discovered the thread, despite him wanting to keep it hush-hush.
"My wife found this post and now she wants us to do couples counseling. Thanks for the feedback, guys."
The Redditor wrote in, asking if he was in the wrong and should apologize.
His fellow Redditors replied, using the following scale:
- NTA: "Not the A**hole"
- YTA: "You're the A**hole"
- ESH: "Everyone Sucks Here"
- NAH: "No A**holes Here"
Multiple Redditors felt the OP needed a serious reality-check about what it means to be pregnant.
"YTA. You want to play video games instead of watch the kids? You're irritated by what your wife is making dinner? You think that things like waking up in the middle of the night because she's puking are analogous to waking up in the night to puke?"
"You're a huge major a**hole."
"Now, your wife needs to handle some things better, but this is a stupid way and stupid plan to think this will fix it."
"She's creating a living creature inside of her and let me assure you that shit is way harder than whatever you have to do."
"My god man" - anabolic beard
"Seriously. I had ZERO clue what to expect after I found out I was pregnant. I didn't know all of the doctors appointments are painful, intrusive, scary or that when you're in labor the doctor might have to MOVE MY CERVIX WITH HIS HAND SO IM IN POSITION WITHOUT ANY EPIDURSL."
"Have you ever had your cervix moved? The doctor counted to 3, did it on 2 and all I could scream was 'F**k' at the top of my lungs."
"But op has video games to play, ya know?"
"ETA: A couple can both be pregnant but for OP to make a comparison of him having to deal with hearing his wife puke is not the same as being the one puking." - Kggcjg
"I'm 9 months pregnant and the ;i think were putting equal work into this baby' comment infuriated me!"
"Like oh you're getting up and throwing up untill your body is physically exhausted every night? You're having back pain so walking and doing any chore is three times harder? Oh man you have to bend over without a weight in your stomach to pour water in a container and plug it in?"
"You have to stand there and cook over a hot stove when you're already tired and over heated. You have to not only worry about your job and also make time for the kids while I'm making meal plans and growing your baby that leaches nutrients and doesn't let me sleep."
"No? You don't do any of this? You wanted another kid knowing i need extra help during pregnancy? Like yes op YTA" - sunnygamez
Some even took the opportunity to joke about the situation, and not in the OP's favor.
"[To] say 'I think we're putting equal work into this baby'"
"Oh really? You're helping to grow it inside of you too?" - anabolic_beard
"I wonder if the calcium is also leeching out his bones?" - jaisaiquai
"You don't understand, he has to go to the store!" - Lady_Seashell_Bikini
One Redditor shared how the OP's hour of fun needed to be re-evaluated because of the children, too.
"I'm going to repeat what my marriage therapist told my ex when he said "I just want to watch the nightly news without being interrupted. That seems like such a small request". We had a 3 year old and an infant at the time."
"She just said 'No. You don't get to do that right now. Later in life, sure. But not right now. You have two babies. The nightly news is on during dinner and bath time (it was 6:30 that he was wanting). You are parenting during that time. This time where you both have to sacrifice your evenings will go by quickly. It doesn't last forever. But right now, that is NOT a reasonable request'."
"It was life changing for me, because I realized that I was being extremely reasonable for wanting his help; we both worked all day and I did all the chores. Unfortunately, he never listened. We are divorced." - Icy_Obligation
Now that his wife wants to do couple's counseling, hopefully they will both be able to discuss their issues and reach a compromise that puts the baby and their other children's needs first.
*If you enjoyed this article, you can read more like it by clicking on the AITA link below.*
The book Pregnancy For Men: The Whole Nine Months is available here.
