We may be living in combative times, but as of this weekend there's at least one battle that has been settled once and for all.
We now know who is the one true Josh.
The answer, following an epic "Josh Fight" in a Nebraska park that drew hundreds of Joshes sparring with pool noodles, is in fact a four-year-old Josh name Josh Vinson Jr.—early reports incorrectly gave Vinson's age as five or six.
Vinson's position was made official with that most auspicious of regal adornments, the Burger King crown.
BREAKING: Five-year-old #LittleJosh has won the #JoshFight! https://t.co/VTztUHDMeW— Yousef Nasser (@Yousef Nasser) 1619286401.0
The fast food giant paid the proper respects as well.
@YousefKLKN a true king— Burger King (@Burger King) 1619289760.0
Long may Josh reign!
So what on Earth is going on here? It all started with a certain Josh named Josh Swain, who got tired of never being able to get his username on websites due to the overwhelming preponderance of Josh Swains in the world.
Bored during the pandemic, Swain decided to settle this dilemma once and for all by messaging every Josh Swain he could find on Facebook exactly a year ago and challenging them to a battle.
there can only be one https://t.co/VPamxjJ0yL— joshua swain (@joshua swain) 1587747226.0
In his message, Josh Swain issued Josh Swain and Josh Swain and Josh Swain ad ininitum an ultimatum: to meet him April 24, 2021 at 12:00PM at a set of geographic coordinates--a park in Lincoln, Nebraska.
"...we fight, whoever wins gets to keep the name, everyone else has to change the name, you have a year to prepare, good luck."
Swain's initial tweet went viral for a bit, then died down. But as the appointed date and time approached, the epic Josh battle took on a life of its own, and Swain realized it might actually come to fruition. He opened the proceedings up to any and all Joshes, and before he knew it, he was on a battlefield with some 50 Joshes amid hundreds of spectators.
One other Josh Swain did show up, and Swain and he dueled in a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors that Swain--the one who started all of this, that is--won.
But the ultimate Josh period still had to be determined, and an all-out Braveheart-style pool noodle battle broke out.
Before long, four-year-old Vinson was being hailed as the victor, lifted aloft amid chants of "Little Josh" by his vanquished foes.
On Twitter, people hailed our new Josh overlord as the one true king.
@YousefKLKN a new king has risen https://t.co/QXA8QpRIN8— FREE AGENT | oni! |COMMS CLOSED (@FREE AGENT | oni! |COMMS CLOSED) 1619288915.0
@YousefKLKN https://t.co/Z1FpzAO6Dj— ethan i guess (@ethan i guess) 1619293361.0
@YousefKLKN That's a massive W congrats to little josh for winning the legandary fight, hail to the king👑 https://t.co/4mMDiZG9YF— RAK4TS👹 (@RAK4TS👹) 1619294232.0
@YousefKLKN the only Josh that isn't an impostor, what a king 😔🙏— Among Us (@Among Us) 1619298113.0
All hail Little Josh, sole bearer of his name, the one true Josh! #JoshFight #LittleJosh https://t.co/5X8lqP3SCn— Wizzy 🍕 BUSY DOING COMMS (@Wizzy 🍕 BUSY DOING COMMS) 1619352007.0
@YousefKLKN https://t.co/gKOPRRtIrH— coolster420 (@coolster420) 1619288792.0
sadly was unable to attend the #JoshFight today, but i am happy to relinquish my name to #LittleJosh, who honestly… https://t.co/HocsKfkVNq— josh dun (@josh dun) 1619303319.0
Vinson is a fitting victor.
The Josh battle was also a fundraiser for Children's Hospital & Medical Center Foundation in Omaha, where Vinson has received treatment.
At last tally the battle raised more than $10,000 for the charity.