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We regret to inform you that those little talking cartoon M&Ms are no more.
The characters' recent makeover was such a flop with the only people who have the urge to pitch a fit about nothing—conservatives—the company announced they are pausing use of the animated "spokescandies."
The change came after Fox News host Tucker Carlson sparked a conservative outrage after dedicating an entire segment on his "news" program last year to complaining the green M&M no longer wears "sexy boots."
Yes that is an actual thing that happened on the most-watched news network in the United States.
The M&Ms company is apparently as sick of listening to this nonsense as the rest of us, because they've decided to put the animated characters on "indefinite hold" in response.
But every cloud has a silver lining, and this one comes in the form of Maya Rudolph.
As the company announced in a tweet, the company enlisted Rudolph to be its real-live spokesperson.
\u201cA message from M&M'S.\u201d— M&M'S (@M&M'S) 1674481505
The changes to the M&Ms were subtle enough that unless you're a Carlson devotee you've probably not even noticed them. We're talking about changing the shoes on a fictional piece of animated candy, after all.
But Carlson had a full-on meltdown about the new "less sexy" M&Ms, telling his followers:
"M&M's will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them."
Okay then.
In its statement, M&Ms referenced Carlson and his conservative followers' unhinged outrage by lamenting that "even a candy's shoes can be polarizing."
The company then announced Rudolph as "a spokesperson America can agree on," surely a spectacular bit of hubris as Carlson is no doubt preparing an outraged screed about Rudolph being a godless Hollywood liberal trying to inject your kids' M&Ms with Critical Race Theory, or something.
Anyway, the announcement of Rudolph excited all normal people on the internet because who doesn't love Maya Rudolph?
But the absurdity of the situation as a whole was not lost on people on social media, who couldn't help but facepalm over the whole thing.
\u201cjust read the m&ms press statement. going back to bed for 9 years \u2764\ufe0f\u201d— caitie delaney (@caitie delaney) 1674490335
\u201cYeah they were mad cuz the m&ms weren\u2019t sexy enough. Mmhmm. Yeah. No it\u2019s Maya Rudolph now. I dont know if she\u2019ll be dressed as an m&m. Ok good night grandma love you\u201d— jon drake (@jon drake) 1674524216
\u201cNothing says "alpha conservatives" quite like waking up and immediately crying about gas stoves and coffee and Xboxes and Starbucks cups and M&Ms and Dr. Seuss and Mr. Potato Head and\u201d— Brian Tyler Cohen (@Brian Tyler Cohen) 1674520224
\u201cWith M&Ms out of the picture it's time for Reese's Pieces to rise as the most sexable candy\u201d— Fart to Table (@Fart to Table) 1674512431
\u201c@mmschocolate A woman attempted to wear flats on the job and was bullied out of her career.\u201d— M&M'S (@M&M'S) 1674481505
\u201cFirst, they came after Dr. Seuss, and I said nothing.\n\nThen, they came after Speedy Gonzales, and I was quiet.\n\nThen, they came after our gas stoves, and I kept my mouth shut. \n\nBut now they are going after M&Ms? \n\nTHIS...I cannot stand. For America, I will fight the woke agenda.\u201d— Wajahat Ali (@Wajahat Ali) 1674524623
\u201cThe people who complain about cancel culture apparently canceled M&Ms who changed shoes. What a time.\u201d— Mallory McMorrow (@Mallory McMorrow) 1674495009
Others countered the absurdity with equally absurd jokes as if the M&Ms "spokescandies" had been offed by some evil overlord.
\u201cFine. I'll say it. It's messed up that Mars, Inc. euthanized those talking M&Ms and donated their bodies to science.\u201d— Josh Gondelman (@Josh Gondelman) 1674491048
\u201cthe M&Ms have been executed with two escaping to exile\u201d— JP (@JP) 1674504066
\u201cI just got back from retiring the M&Ms indefinitely, the peanut one grabbed my arm as I went to close the capsule and asked me if he was going to dream. I told him I didn't know. He froze with a single tear falling down his shell, hanging from his taint because he's an oval.\u201d— Rei_ (6.3 spoiler images hidden) (@Rei_ (6.3 spoiler images hidden)) 1674520590
Hey, at least this eminently stupid moment in American history can end on a high note with jokes.
It could be worse!