In 2019, it's sad that we have such bigotry present that we urge our own children to not engage with problematic members of society.
But unfortunately a Reddit user felt so unsafe with his daughter telling his own mother and father about his daughter's relationship that he issued an ultimatum.
mixedwoes took to the Reddit forum "Am I The A**hole?" to poll the crowd on his situation:
from AmItheAsshole
"My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them," said the user.
"I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels."
People wasted no time in telling our friend exactly how much of a jerk he was.
"YTA. Your daughter has nothing to hide and neither do you. If your parents love your daughter any less because of who she loves, then you and her do not need them in your lives."
"YTA and sounds like your parents are ***holes. Your daughter is dating Jamal and YOU are ok with him but you won't introduce him to your parents. You're still scared of Mommy and Daddy. Grow up, this isn't about your parents it's about your insecurity."
"YTA Your daughter's happiness should come first. If your parents decide to cut her off, then it's their loss not hers. She should be free to make her own decisions, and not have to hide who she is to anyone.
I also respect that your actions are coming from a place of love, but this is your parents issue to get over not your daughters to hide."
"YTA - I get where you're coming from but what is your plan if this relationship continues into the foreseeable future? Will her grandparents not be invited to the wedding? Will they never meet their mixed race great grandchildren? If your parents don't take it well, then that's their problem and you should stand up for your daughter.
'but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an *ss and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.'
"Keep that friend around. They know what they're talking about."
"YTA for being more concerned about what some racist relatives and ignorant strangers think than your daughter's feelings. This is part of why racism persists. You're allowing the racists to control your - and your daughter's behavior."
The father's choice to put more stock in what his parents would say rather than his daughter's feelings has him putting the feelings of potential racists before his own daughter.
Potential because does he really know how his parents will react? Are they robe wearing KKK members? Goose-stepping Nazis? Or is he just guessing or making assumptions based on his childhood?
Not a single person in the thread relented:
"OP, my grandparents feel as your parents do. If I turned up on the arm of a man who was literally anything other than white, it might literally induce an aneurysm in my horrifically racist grandmother."
"YTA. You don't want your daughter to introduce her boyfriend to her grandparents because they will make your life difficult if she does."
"I get it. It sucks when someone in the family is loudly unpleasant. But all that is needed for evil to prosper is for good people to say nothing. The world burns if you tolerate racism, even from your own parents."
"This is a choice. You are literally picking a side. You have to pick one - there is no neutral territory here. Staying neutral is the same as siding with the racists. Telling your daughter to be silent and her boyfriend to be invisible is siding with the racists. You have to choose now - will you be on your daughter's side, or your parents'? Whose battle line will you join? Because there is a battle coming one way or another. I suggest that you decide now, before the decision is made for you."
"YTA -- And yeah, racist. You care more about what other people will say about your daughter's interracial relationship than you do about supporting your daughter. And if you can't stand up to your own parents for the sake of your own kid? You're double the ***hole. Jesus. The heck is wrong with you?"
"YTA.
"'While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as ''liberal''' as opposed to what..?"
"Plus, maybe your daughter is perfectly conscious about the kind of environment she lives in, and maybe, just maybe, she just can't give a damn about this. Your parents sound very rude and racist, and you still want to 'spare' them?"
"Sorry mate but YTA massively here. 'How these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population' you mean racists? Including your parents? Whose opinions you shouldn't give a shit about because they're racists? Dude, be a decent parent and stick up for your daughter. You know your parents are in the wrong, why be on their side?"
"YTA. I'm sorry what heat are you living in? It's not 1950 anymore. What kind of community are you living in?"
"Your parents views and do Comfort don't matter if they're racist."
"If your adult daughter wants to introduce her bf to them, she has every right to do so. She also has every right to call your parents out of they they are racist towards him."
Hasan Minhaj touches on a similar topic in his Netflix special, Homecoming King, where he tells of a time he was stopped from going to a school dance with his high school girlfriend because of the racism of the girl's extended family:
Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King | Official Trailer [HD] | Netflixwww.youtube.com
And America is clear: racism by proxy is NOT okay.
"YTA, the number of times you claim to have no issue is alarming, and the way to refer to them indicates otherwise."
"If you had no problem, every time a "Concerned person" approached you, you would tell them to pound sand."
"If you had no problem, you wouldnt have to say 'If my daughter's happy, I'm happy'."
"You have bigoted, racist parents. You are proving the apple didnt fall far from the tree. If you really want to prove you are there for your daughter, introduce her and her boyfriend the same way you would introduce her and any partner, otherwise all that is for sure is that you're just as bad."
"I'd say no just so poor Jamal doesn't feel uncomfortable by your parents behavior. Id be so embarrassed to have my daughter introduced her boyfriend to my bigoted parents."
"I'm going with YTA cause yea, you need to support your daughter. And if they cut her off then so be it."
"Don't tiptoe around such ignorance dude."
"YTA It would be helpful to make sure your daughter is prepared for a negative reaction if she tells them, especially if she's planning to bring Jamal because he needs to know that someone might be overtly racist to him. But you shouldn't be insisting that she not tell them. You're also enabling your parents' racism. Also, why are you assuming the relationship won't last?"
"YTA."
"If you had said 'honey, they're going to react badly. They've made comments about interracial dating many times and didn't like your mom for months because they thought her skirt was too short."
"They will be jerks about this. They won't be nice to your boyfriend and they may cut you off."
"If you want to tell them you're dating him, we need to plan. You should tell Jamal what they're like so that he isn't surprised. We need to figure out a plan to protect him from their nasty comments. Maybe we could tell them before they come and that if they cannot be nice they can't come visit'."
"Then you wouldn't be an ***hole. But instead you're protecting your parents and yourself over your child. Don't defend racist jerks."
"YTA. If you 'have no problem with him' then you should Support your daughter. It's 2019 and age isn't a good excuse for racism anymore so your parents should be ashamed. If your daughter wants to introduce her boyfriend to her grandparents, you should have supported her decision from the start."
Take a note, everyone.
If your parents are racist, it's not a good excuse for you to support them. And if your parents are "old-fashioned," don't assume they're racist.
They just might surprise you.
*****
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