Grief makes people do all kinds of strange things while they're trying to heal.
But asking your sister to "tone down" her wedding—or not have it at all—because your dream wedding got canceled seems a bit extreme.
A bride-to-be is currently caught between her dream wedding day and honoring her family's wishes—all because her sister was left at the altar. The family now expects her to tone down or postpone the wedding, to give her sister more time to recover from the loss.
She started off by explaining that she and her husband-to-be didn't have a particularly large wedding planned to begin with.
"My fiance and I wanted to do something small from the off. We made bookings and placed deposits about 4 months ago."
"We don't plan on doing anything ridiculous, just a short ceremony then food and dancing. Guest list is around 60 people, which covers both families, a handful of friends and plus ones. Very low-key, pretty small, and I don't think it's extravagant at all."
It also seems her wedding was already in the works when her sister was going to have her big wedding day.
"Here's the problem: last December, so within weeks of us placing deposits/making plans, my sister was left at the altar. She found out she wasn't getting married when the groom showed up to the church late, asked her to go into another room with him in full view of everyone already seated, and a few minutes later she left the church while he announced that the wedding was off."
"Her wedding was significantly larger, with almost everyone on my part of my guest list also being included on hers, and while we're not doing any sort of bridesmaids/groomsmen (except for my son as ring bearer) I was her bridesmaid at her wedding and went after her when the groom finished speaking."
But apparently already having her wedding in the works didn't mean she couldn't call it off.
"I had a phone call with my sister last week, and after about 5 minutes she asked if my wedding was still going ahead. I said of course it was, why wouldn't it be? She said 'no reason' and then said she had to go."
"I called mum today and she asked why I was talking about my wedding with my sister, said I upset her and need to tone the wedding down. I thought she meant talking about the wedding and responded that my sister was the one who asked, but then mum said she meant the actual wedding. I asked what that meant and mum began to remind me that she and dad got married in their work clothes in the registrar's office with 2 witnesses. I said that we will not be doing that."
"She then asked me how I thought it felt for my sister to see me getting married so soon after her wedding day. She wants me to bring it all the way down to me, my husband, my son, and my husband's parents in the registrar's office. When I asked why she and dad weren't listed she said they'd need to be with my sister."
"I know this was juvenile but I told her to put dad on. I then asked him what he thought, and I admit I was fully expecting him to side with me. He then said if we couldn't get our deposits back he would reimburse us. I said no, he's not paying us a penny because we're not cancelling. He then said it would be easier for everyone. I said I had to go."
"Texted my sister saying what they'd just told me, asking if she actually felt like that, and she confirmed it, and went on to say I was insensitive [and] cruel for going ahead with my wedding after what happened with hers and that our weddings should never have been so close together, anyway."
After hearing her immediate family was all united against her, she discussed the problem with her fiance.
"My fiance says we shouldn't let her wedding affect ours, and while I do want to be sensitive to her, I kind of agree with him. The plans were made and deposits placed before my sister's wedding, there's an 11 month gap between them, and while I want her there, I feel we're already going fairly low-key and it's unfair they expect me and my fiance to shrink it to 5 people in the registrar's office."
"However, I still have this guilt in the pit of my stomach and I feel really bad at upsetting my sister. I don't want to lose her over this but I feel she's being unreasonable. AITA?"
Filled with mixed emotions, the bride asked Reddit "AITA?".
They were quick to say she should enjoy her wedding day as it was intended.
"[Not The A$$hole] (NTA). Your sister wants to ruin your dream wedding because she didn't get hers. It is beyond selfish what she and your parents are asking." - Jendi2016
"Something tells me if the roles were reversed, she would have no problem going ahead with her wedding."
"Grief makes people do weird things sometimes, but this reaction makes me think she might be a golden child and had pulled this kind of stuff before, but on a smaller scale. The fact that the parents are siding with the sister is insane." - charisma2006
"Also does OPs sister expect every bride to stop their wedding because she was left at the altar? No. That would be insane."
"The world does not revolve around the sister. It sucks what happened to her and i hate to victim blame, but maybe the ex fiancee dodged a bullet. Because this is just bat s**t crazy."
"NTA OP. Its your day, do what you and the groom want." - LindaFrmPortia
"NTA. It's sad, but your sister needs to get the f**k over herself. The world isn't gonna stop for her. She needs to get therapy or whatever because I'm sure that was shocking and deeply upsetting. But that doesn't mean she gets to grieve the loss of her relationship at your expense. If need be, she can sit your wedding out and join the party at the reception."
"NTA, OP. Enjoy your wedding, congratulations, I hope it's perfect and everything goes on without a hitch." - ExceptionalPerson
Though it can be incredibly hard to get over something like being left at the altar, it also seems unreasonable to expect a loved one to put their life on-hold. Asking them to minimize their happiness is equally unreasonable.
Hopefully with the supportive replies at her disposal, the bride-to-be will know her decision with her fiance was OK.