Yo Mamma!

"My best friend: After an argument with some kid from our school in a shop we began walking away down the street..."

"Kid: 'where you going?'"

"Friend: 'your moms house'."

"Kid: 'my mom lives the other way idiot'."

"Friend: 'Nah, i meant your real mom'.”- FourShott

Don't Tell Me How To Do My Job!

"Air Traffic Control doing a poor job of vectoring an Airbus A330 in for landing."

"Pilot: 'You've left us too high, I don't think we can make the approach'."

"ATC: "You've got speedbreaks on that thing, don't you?'"

"Pilot: (After a noticeable pause) 'Yes, but those are for my mistakes, not yours'."- DerpDishPizza

If You Can't Take Heat...

"A friend in high school on our way to a track meet."

"He was staring at a car in the parking that was really nice."

"When this dbag saw him."

"Dbag: 'Why bothering looking at that when you know you’ll never be able to get one?'”

"My friend: 'The same reason you watch porn'.”

"The entire bus erupted and it’s still one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard."- RedIguanaLeader

The Only Thing Worse Than People Talking About You?...

"A dude in my class called out a semi friend of mine."

"That people are talking behind his back."

"In fact, that wasn’t the case, as far as I know, and that guy said: 'Well you know what the say about you?'"

"'Nothing, nobody f*cking cares'.“ Reddit

Seriously, Mind Your Own Business

"So there was 2 girls fighting and one of them looks at my sister who was minding her own business and says: you go to hell too!"

"My sister: do you want me to say anything to your mom?" - Reddit

Take It Like A Real Man!

"It's gotta be the Aliens locker room scene for me."

"Hudson: 'Hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?'"

"Vasquez: 'No, have you?'"- Mike-Drop

When You Get The Teacher In Stitches...

"English class in Middle School."

"Kid A - 'yo, Kid B, your mama waited on me at McDonalds last night'."

"'Must feel like sh*t having a mom that works at McDonalds'."

"Kid B- 'at least MY mom gets out of bed to go to work'."

"English teacher far louder than he realized 'DAYUM!'."

"The rest of us were laughing so hard, the teacher next door popped her head in to see what was going on."- Nutella_Zamboni

Living Up To His Reputation

"Context: John Oliver from HBO interviews Stephen Hawking (may he rest in peace)."

"JO: 'And there may be a universe where I am more intelligent than you?'."

"SH: 'There may even be a universe where you are funny'."- bugfish03

When They Go Low, You Go High!

"Overheard by me, the school bus driver."

"One fifth grade student was belittling a first grader."

"When it was time for a comeback, first grader shouts out, 'Congratulations!'"

"The bewildered fifth grader had nothing to say and went to sit down with her friends in the back of the bus."- emzirek

Logical...

"Joe Pyne interviewing Frank Zappa."

"Joe: 'I guess your long hair makes you a woman'."

"FZ: 'I guess your wooden leg makes you a table'." Reddit

Keep It Simple

"You're doodoo."

"My friend's answer."- Kazuhiko101

Wonder Why This Didn't Work Out...

"Ok so just to set the scene a bit."

"When I was with my ex, we both had very different attitudes to time-keeping and work."

"I am a self-employed, dyslexic with A.D.D who at the time worked in the live music industry so I had to always be very punctual and organized."

"My partner at the time was an english literature student, who was maybe the most disorganized person I had met."

"My ex would lose 3 or 4 phones a year, got fired from jobs every few months because they always turned up late and had to repeat a semester of uni because my ex didn't do enough work and/or wouldn't turn up some times."

"In a nutshell my ex was late for everything all the time."

"Despite all this my ex was always annoyed at me for leaving home early to go to work and always turning up on time because I was too punctual according to them."

"As if this is a bad thing."

"You can now see why we are not together any more."

"So one day, and this is probably due to my dyslexia, A.D.D and the fact that I am aware of it, I leave my ex's apartment early to go to work on Tuesday."

"When I get to work I realize that I've made a mistake and I've mixed up Tuesday with Thursday."

"Feeling a bit silly I phone my partner at the time and tell them I've mixed my days up and can come back to their apartment."

"We laugh it off as a stupid mistake but my ex see's it as me being so punctual that I turn up to work two days early."

"Now that I've explained the back story."

"My ex thinks it's a good time to bring it up again in the pub with myself all their pals."

"This is how it goes."

"My ex: 'omg you'll never guess what'."

"My ex's pals: 'What?'"

"My ex: 'So my partner takes their job so seriously and is so punctual that they turned up to work two days early. They turned up on Tuesday when they were supposed to work on Thursday Hahahahah."

"My ex's pals and myself: Hahahahahaha'."

"Myself: Yeah my partner is so late for everything that they had to repeat a semester of university!!! HAHAHAHAH'."

"My ex's pals: 'HAHAHHHAHAHAHAHA!'"

"My ex: 'I don't find this funny'."

"Myself: 'I do'."

"Still makes my chuckle to this day."

"We split up a few years later."

"Took them 2 months to clear their stuff out."- surfinbear1990

Sibling Rivalry...

"My older brother was getting messed with by our older sister holding her baby and saying."

"'So, how you and your Ex doing?'"

"They broke up several weeks ago."

"'You gonna get back together? You gonna say you miss her and want her? You want send her some kisses?'"

"Something along those lines."

"The usual sibling kind of messing around."

"So as the little brother I step in and say."

"'Oh is that how you and your boyfriend got back together?'"

"My older sis stays silent while my bro laughs and I kill both of them as follow up and say 'now we have our niece'."- Shadow_Storm21

Divine Intervention

"So my boyfriend's dad is a priest and my boyfriend's big brother got bullied for that by another guy who said 'my dad is much cooler than yours' and stuff like that ."

"So my boyfriend's brother said back 'your dad is probably cooler than mine but my dad can bury your dad and get paid for it'."- Lill_Amalie

Don't Touch The Hair!

"I have really curly hair."

"Genetics from my father."

"My father lost his hair years ago so basically he’s bald."

"And whenever I wake up in the morning, my hair is literally in the air."

"Not kidding, it either looks like an Eiffel Tower or I look like Chewbacca."

"Because of COVID-19 my father is stuck in another country."

"Here’s how one of our conversations went one morning after I woke up."

"My father: 'Be careful [my name] your hair might get stuck in the fan."

"Hahaha."

"Me: 'You don’t have any fans nor any hair! Ahah!'"

"I still find it funny thinking my 9yr old brain to reply like that."- Myra_Akido2020

Petty Threats

"This happened between friends, but it was still hilarious."

" Friend 1 'Shut up or I'll egg your house'."

"Friend 2: 'You can't even afford eggs'."- JoeyBad_SaladTour

It's sad when people have nothing better to do than belittle others.

Making it hard to feel that they get just what they deserve when someone school's them with a clever comeback.

Hopefully teaching them to use their time a bit more wisely going forward.