Far-right huckster and conspiracy theorist Alex Jones has the internet pointing and laughing once again after sounding the alarm that average penis size is shrinking so fast that men two generations from now won't have penises at all.
The commentary was part of a segment on—wait for it—"gay frogs."
That is, frogs who changed from male to female because of exposure to a toxic chemical. Which is of course not even what "gay" means, but that's the least of our worries here.
Anyway, Jones claims the data on these "gay frogs" whose sexuality is undetermined reveals the secret to why men's junk is now on average a third of the size it was in the 1960s, or something.
Here, see if you can make heads or tails of it in the clip below.
Alex Jones says the globalists are putting a chemical in the liners of soft drink cans that is causing men\u2019s penises to shrink: \u201cThat\u2019s why genitals, I don\u2019t care if you\u2019re black or white, are a third of the size they were of a 1960s male .. and the sperm counts are down 96%\u201dpic.twitter.com/4E9mAjeAce— Ron Filipkowski \ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\udde6 (@Ron Filipkowski \ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\udde6) 1653012343
According to Jones, the chemical is also found in the linings of soda cans, and so ah ha! That's why our wieners are all shrinking! Or as Jones put it:
"That’s why genitals, I don’t care if you’re black or white, are a third of the size they were of a 1960s male."
Not sure what race has to do with this, but okay.
Jones then moved on to some utterly nonsensical math about what to expect in the penis-size department in the future.
"So the media makes jokes about that, a few months ago when I gave the example of: If your daddy's johnson was a foot long, yours is six inches long."
"And if yours was six inches, your son will be three inches."
"And [the one after that] won't even have a penis!"
"So they can make jokes about that all day long, but, this isn't a game."
It's hard to say which is worse here--the totally made-up math or the use of the term "johnson."
Now to be fair, it is true that a chemical found in common pesticides has been shown to change male frogs to female.
And many doctors and scientists have indeed been sounding alarms about endocrine-disrupting chemicals in common every day items resulting in decreased fertility and penis size.
But aside from the totally fallacious math, Jones of course claims this is all a vast conspiracy on the part of "globalists" to rid the world of penises or something.
"They are targeting all of us, together, right now."
"We are being hit by chemical and biological attack."
"Anyone that has survived Covid or the poison shots, is the survivor of a biological, nanotech, synthetic, genetically engineered system."
Okay then!
Of course Twitter had a field day roasting Jones for this absolutely deranged diatribe.
BREAKING: Amateur statistician draws sweeping conclusions from personal experience.https://mobile.twitter.com/RonFilipkowski/status/1527470594173829120\u00a0\u2026— \ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\udde6\ud83e\udd1d\ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\uddf8 Monty Boa \ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\uddf8\ud83e\udd1d\ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\udde6 (@\ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\udde6\ud83e\udd1d\ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\uddf8 Monty Boa \ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\uddf8\ud83e\udd1d\ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\udde6) 1653063353
Small penises. That's the new conservative thinghttps://twitter.com/RonFilipkowski/status/1527470594173829120\u00a0\u2026— David Lazarus (@David Lazarus) 1653250209
"I was in the pool!"\n\n\u2014George Costanza\n\n"I just drank a Mountain Dew!"\n\n\u2014Alex Jones— Mrs. Betty Bowers (@Mrs. Betty Bowers) 1653013834
Sounds like Alex\u2019s personal penile performance problems are causing some issues. Don\u2019t know what he expected from the sodas though: after all they are soft drinks\u2026— Greg Torrance (@Greg Torrance) 1653012763
I've scrolled past a couple times. \nBut 1 question haunts me: how does he know the size of all these penises?\n\nHow does he know?— Govenor Rundell (@Govenor Rundell) 1653230077
Wait.\n\nWas Alex Jones running around observing 1960s penises?? Before he was born?? Did young men in the 1970s show and tell the child Alex "THIS is a 1960s penis?"\n\nWHY isn't he in a padded room somewhere?— Kathy NJ (@Kathy NJ) 1653034103
My burning questions are: \n\nDid Alex find a Flux Capacitor, traveled back to the 60's, and just starting measuring random dudes' party sticks? \n\nAnd then did he come back to measure present day rando dudes' lap rockets to compare? \n\nI need data.https://twitter.com/RonFilipkowski/status/1527470594173829120\u00a0\u2026— Victoria-Crystal Dawn Antoinette (@Victoria-Crystal Dawn Antoinette) 1653245801
And there is the insecurity in a nutshell.— Heather Thomas (@Heather Thomas) 1653183877
If sperm counts are down that much, why are Republicans worried about abortion??https://twitter.com/RonFilipkowski/status/1527470594173829120\u00a0\u2026— The Vaccinated Trucker \ud83d\ude9b\ud83d\udc89\ud83d\ude9b\ud83d\udc89\ud83d\ude9b \ud83c\udf3b\ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\udde6\ud83c\udf3b\ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\udde6\ud83c\udf3b (@The Vaccinated Trucker \ud83d\ude9b\ud83d\udc89\ud83d\ude9b\ud83d\udc89\ud83d\ude9b \ud83c\udf3b\ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\udde6\ud83c\udf3b\ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\udde6\ud83c\udf3b) 1653251372
Just. Get. Therapy.https://twitter.com/RonFilipkowski/status/1527470594173829120\u00a0\u2026— David Roberts (@David Roberts) 1653248635
We look forward to whatever ludicrous theory Jones comes up with next.
Waving South Korea GIF by Pudgy Penguins 
Mardi Gras Parade GIF 
@therealabbylee/Instagram
@nph/Instagram
@facetune/Instagram
@jessicaleejessie/Instagram
@haleybo.baley/Instagram
@lindsay.semm/Instagram
@gracejamoua/Instagram
@connorriopelli/Instagram
@kimmiecoates/Instagram
@brianaledan/Instagram
@dropdeadgwgeous/Instagram
@robz0mbeee/Instagram
@aliciahardin/Instagram
@artonbway/Instagram
Hanover County Animal Protection and Shelter/Facebook
Hanover County Animal Protection and Shelter/Facebook
Hanover County Animal Protection and Shelter/Facebook
Hanover County Animal Protection and Shelter/Facebook
Hanover County Animal Protection and Shelter/Facebook
Hanover County Animal Protection and Shelter/Facebook