So many of us have been trained to say that it's a pleasure when our relatives come for a visit.
It's the polite thing to say.
But when they start inviting themselves over—or want to take over our space—we may find ourselves viewing it as more of a burden than a pleasure.
One Redditor found themselves feeling this way when their boyfriend's father made the surprise announcement that he would be sleeping in their bed while visiting.
The Redditor asked the thread:
"[Am I the a**hole] for refusing to let [my father-in-law] sleep in [our] bed when he visits?"
The Redditor described their living situation with their boyfriend first.
"My boyfriend and I live together in a one bedroom apartment. Today my boyfriend told me that his dad will be coming up to the city next weekend and he will stay with us."
They also questioned their father-in-law's decision to stay at their place, since he has other options.
"I don't really see why he would need to stay with us since his brother who he gets along with well lives in the city too and has a house with two guest bedrooms. But whatever, he can stay here for the weekend if it makes my boyfriend happy."
And the Redditor became more confused when their father-in-law gestured to his sleeping arrangements.
"Today when my boyfriend and his dad video called his dad said he is excited to finally sleep in a box spring bed."
"As soon as he said it I was like 'umm what?' We have a boxspring bed and it was obvious that he thought he would be sleeping in our bed which would leave us to sleep in the living room."
The Redditor made it clear they do not want to give up their bed while their father-in-law visits.
"I do absolutely not want this for multiple reasons."
"It is our bed, he invited himself and I'm not being kicked out of my own bed."
"He is a heavy smoker and I feel like he literally sweats out smoke and I do not want this in my bed."
"I have various allergies and we have hypoallergenic bedding. I don't want to sleep in the living room on a blow up mattress."
But since the Redditor refused, the situation has been tense.
"I immediately told my boyfriend's dad that he would not be sleeping in our bed but he is more than welcome to use our blow up mattress."
"This did not go over well and now [my father-in-law] is sulking."
"I will not budge. AITA?"
Fellow Redditors responded to the OP's (Original Poster's) story, using the following scale:
- NTA: "Not the A**hole"
- YTA: "You're the A**hole"
- ESH: "Everybody Sucks Here"
- NAH: "No A**holes Here"
Many Redditors pointed out that it was very entitled to expect to sleep in someone else's bed.
"NTA. There's so many reasons why he should not be sleeping in your bed, the pandemic being a large one."
"If he's so sad about not sleeping in a bed, he should stay with the brother. Why should you sleep on an air mattress when he has other available accommodations?"
"Like, just no. Your boyfriend sounds like TA (the a**hole) here having allowed FIL (father-in-law) to think this was the plan." - hellaripe
"'The guest gets the bed' when everyone who sleeps in the bed agrees and invites the guest. Also, there is another etiquette rule that should have equal weighting 'guests don't sulk about sleeping arrangements'. NTA." - TheMysticalBaconTree
"Ok, not only does the guest not automatically get the bed, but also, the TWO of you as a couple get the bed that is the appropriate size for TWO people and FIL (father-in-law) gets the couch which is appropriately sized for one person." - laurenlegends23
"I have a bed and a blow up mattress. You better believe anyone who asks to stay with me is getting that mattress and not my bed. They can get a hotel if they don't want my free air mattress in my free apartment."kb709
Some pointed out the Redditor's allergies were all the reason they needed to refuse their bed.
"My parents did this 'give up their bedroom & sleep on a sofa bed' routine when hosting guests prior to having a guestroom so part of this is possibly generational changes in expectations but as someone w/ allergies this would be a hard 'hell no' from me now for sure."
"An air mattress is a fine hypoallergenic alternative temporarily but having a smoker sleep in my main bedding is a real risk to my health so that's a big 'nope' from me!"
"Your BF needs to understand the health aspect immediately [and] take the lead on dealing w/ his father [and] any fallout for now [and] then you two can figure out if there were any discrepancies in expectations that led to this later on. NTA" - acallan1
A few suggested it was probably a generational expectation and not meant in an entitled way.
"I wouldn't just think of it as the 'guest' getting the bed, but as my elderly father who worked hard his entire life to raise me visiting and getting the bed." - seaocean87
"I'm in my early 40's and I can confirm that my parents and grandparents generations definitely were of the you give up a bed for guests rather than making them sleep on the sofa bed or air mattress. However the adults never gave up their own beds, they gave up their children's beds. Thus I was always the one stuck in the crappy bed when guests were over." - CookiesNeedLuv
One Redditor also pointed out that it should be totally up to the homeowner, whatever they choose.
"Looks like the consensus is NTA. Personally I live in a 1br loft and whenever anyone stays I always give them my bed and I sleep on the couch because I am small and feel like I will be more comfortable there than they would, but I've always done this willingly and it's my choice."
"No one has ever kicked me out of my own bed and nor would I let them if I didn't choose it." - rezerster
Though it's wonderful to want to make our guests feel comfortable when they visit, we have to set boundaries, even if it's only for one night.
Given the Redditor's allergies, hopefully their relationship with their boyfriend's father will be on the mend sooner rather than later.
*If you enjoyed this article, you can read more like it by clicking on the AITA link below.*