People often talk about how dreadful it's going to be to raise teens, but perhaps they're too focused on potentially needing to punish them and not enough on truly connecting with them.
Child psychoanalyst and TikToker @the.therapy.shed shared that a teen's safety should be prioritized over their punishment, even when they make a mistake, and she shared six rules to make those priorities easier for parents to maintain.
The first rule is to not punish truth-telling. When teens know they've done something wrong, like going to a party where drinking is involved, they may avoid calling their parents if they know punishment is imminent. While consequences can wait, the TikToker pointed out, creating a safe environment cannot.
The second rule ties into this, suggesting that parents establish a security code with their children. Whether it's a code word, emoji, or phrase, they can use this to raise their parents' alert and ask for help without involving their peers. This is key in situations that might otherwise be dangerous or mortifyingly embarrassing or ostracizing if the teen was honest about wanting to leave.
Parents can also de-escalate embarrassing situations with their teens by talking about tough subjects, like sex, with them before they can learn it from their peers or the internet. It's important to teach teens that these subjects do not have to be awkward with their parents and that they can ask questions.
The fourth rule often relates to the first, as it involves the parents' reaction. If a parent's first impulse is to yell, scold, and make an angry face, that sets an uncomfortable precedent for teens who might have something uncomfortable to tell their parents.
Rather, according to the fifth rule, teens should be more involved in their understanding of tough subjects and in determining what their punishments should be, by being invited to "the grown-up table" for the first time. This will allow them to participate in more adult conversations and think like an adult.
The sixth rule, the TikToker admitted, might make some parents upset, as she argues against taking away cell phones as punishment. Not only is it a vital way to contact them if the need arises, but students often need their phones for school now, and social interaction depends on online spaces more than ever before, and cutting them off will only increase isolation and potential resentment, making them less likely to reach out to their parents when they need it.
You can watch the video here:
Fellow TikTokers loudly agreed with the psychotherapist, sharing their own tips for how they'd helped their teens.
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While some weren't sure how to navigate punishment without taking phones away, TikTokers otherwise loudly agreed with the child psychotherapist, valuing connection with their teens and their feelings of safety more than needing to give them consequences, which is definitely a step in the right direction.
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