Criminals aren't usually masterminds; sometimes they're just plain dumb... especially when booze gets the better of them.

PhatedGaming asked Police Officers: What's the dumbest thing you've ever seen a criminal do or say?

Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.

If you're drunk, it didn't happen.


So my personal favorite was when a bloke on a motorbike swerved in front of our squad car and crashed.

We hopped out, picked the bike up off him (it was pinning his leg), and asked, "You alright mate?"

To which he replied, "Of course I'm alright, what do you mean?"

"Well you just fell of your bike mate."

"No I didn't"

He just kept insisting that there was no way he could have crashed, and it must have been someone else.

Edit for those concerned it was a head injury - he did blow a .17 when tested, so we chalked it up to that.


Fun fact it's not a crime to report stolen drugs. But it's not advisable.

I was waiting to report an incident at a local police station when a clearly distraught man came in wheezing and sweating. I wasn't in a rush so I let him go ahead of me. "I've been robbed, they took everything!" He exclaimed when he reached the counter. The officer working the desk asked him the usual what, where, why and how sort of questions.

The gentleman proceeds to explain that he was a local meth dealer and he just got robbed of his entire stash while selling to some teens at the local train station. The officer just said that there's not anything they can do about that and it's in his best interest to just leave before more questions are raised and he incriminates himself further.

He was fuming and stormed out of the place, slamming the door behind him. I reached the counter and made an offhand comment towards the office "that must be a first for you!" Apparently not. Apparently drug dealers often come in to report theft of their illicit substances.


I'm confused as to why they don't arrest them when they confess like that.


Lack of evidence probably. If he still has something on him it's a slam dunk, but if it's just his semi confession it might get thrown out and that would be a bunch of work for little gain.


Bonnie and Clyde over here.


Friend who is an officer told me this one a little bit ago. He was driving near where a known car thief lived, so he stops by. SUV in the driveway with no tags. Walks up, runs the VIN, stolen. Now the property had a house on it, and then out back, a small "mother in law suite" where said thief lived. Officer walks out back, knocks, and then hears a car door. Officer starts running, engine starts, and yup, thief is driving away in the stolen SUV. Officer knows where he ditches stolen cars at, so has an officer stake out that area. Sure enough two hours later the SUV rolls up with a Jeep following it. SUV driver wipes down the dash, wipes down the outside door handle and gets in the Jeep. Officer pulls them over and arrests them both. Why both? The Jeep is stolen. Officer runs her license, send another officer to her address and guess what? She had a stolen car at her place too. 3 stolen cars recovered, 2 people in jail, all because 1 officer decided to stop by a thief's last address.


"All because 1 officer decided to stop by a thief's last address."

-Imagine how many changes in how many people's lives that set off, butterfly effect and all that.


The audacity.

I'm not a police officer but I called the cops on my roommate in college because she tried to attack me and she wouldn't cooperate with the cops so she got cuffed and was screaming about how she was gonna beat my a**. They were like, yeah? You were gonna beat her a**? And she was agreeing lmao.

In court later the judge asked her "so you think it's okay to 'beat someone's a**' if they turn your TV off when you're not there?" And she nodded and said "yes I do" and the judge just deep sighed.


I retract my header from slide 1.

Dad's a detective. Had a murder case where a dog walker found a severed head in a park. Over the rest of the morning they found a full set of chopped up body parts around that park.

A trail of blood led from each part, and they followed them all the way back to a nearby house, in through the door and up the stairs to a room covered in blood with a guy asleep in a bed.

Turns out this guy had got drunk with a friend, had an argument, killed him, chopped him up and hid his body parts in the park before passing out back at the house.

Police caught him literally red handed. Apparently he was really confused how they got him so quickly.


Jesus Christ, when did this happen?


Probably about 15 years ago. Dad's been retired for 5 years. He's got some great stories when you get him drunk.


He was all of them. They were him.


I stopped someone who was in the area of a load of theft from motor vehicles. After a bit of questioning I carried out a search and found numerous wallets, phones etc. He claimed that all of the cards were his, all 13 different identities.

To be fair, he stuck to his story. He carried it all the way to court going not guilty.


"Okay then... Mr. Jones you are under arrest for 12 counts of theft, Mr. Fletcher you are also under arrest for 12 counts of theft, Mrs. Rodriguez you are under arrest for 12 counts of theft..."


Swing and a miss.

Not my story, but my police officer friend's.

He had gone into arrest someone for dealing drugs, he was in full uniform, whilst someone else had already been in there undercover.

The drug dealer looks at the undercover police officer and says "You're undercover!"

Yes. Well done.

He looks at my uniformed friend and says "You're undercover too!"

He was not.

Then he looks at someone else (not a police officer) and says "And you!"

Guy responds with "How am I an undercover police officer? I just bought drugs off of you."

And that's how they made an unexpected arrest at that raid.


What a twist! Two idiots for the price of one!


Well that's definitely not how it works.

Stopped a lady for speeding 15 MPH over the limit. I asked what her reason could be for going so fast. She said, "I live here. You can't give me a speeding ticket. I live just down the street. I live here... this is unbelievable, I live here..."


I was pulled over for doing 65mph in a 30. Honestly didn't realize it. I had just left my dads new house (new area) & it was like 11pm. Cop asked me why I was going so fast. I said "I honestly have no excuse I missed the speed limit signs I guess" and I was let go with a warning.


Sounds like Trump, except for the alcohol part.


I interrogated this genius

"Yes I did drink whiskey last night. Yes I have been driving just now, but there's no way I'm drunk".

"But sir, the breath test shows you're 5 times over the legal lim-"

"No I'm not"

Two weeks later: "So the blood test came back, you did in fact have 5 times above th-"


"We have five vials of blood tha-"

"They are wrong"

Yeah, his strategy didn't help him in court. He's now a pedestrian

Edit: guys, the legal limit in norway is 0,2 per mille (0,02 percent). He had aprox. 1 per mille.


That doesn't sound like the kind of dude who will stop driving just because The Man took his license.


Yeah I have my doubts, he still thinks to this day that he was sober.


What's the dumbest way you've seen someone break the law?

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Becuase it's hilarious, that's why. Just check out the following entries below and see for yourself.

Reddit user, u/GrotiusandPufendorf, wanted to know what the funniest jokes on the planet are when they asked:

What is your favorite dad joke?

A Murder Of Cows?


Dad: Look at that flock of cows over there.

Kids: A HERD of cows.

Dad: Of course I heard of cows, there is a flock of them right over there.

Note: pulled that joke successfully a few times, and my kids even did it to their summer camp instructor.


We Should Probably Leaf

At the park with my girls: "Dad, can we go play?"

Me: "sure, just stay away from those trees over there"

Girls: " umm...ok, why?"

Me: " I don't know...they look a little shady to me."

Good for producing eye rolls


What Better Way To Carry It Home


"Would you like the milk in the bag?"

Dad: "No thanks, you can keep it in the carton."


Scrambled Or Over-Easy?

Dad at breakfast: I'll have bacon and eggs, please

Waiter: How do you like your eggs?

Dad: I don't know, I haven't gotten them yet!


Feeling The Humor

Dad: "Nice shirt, is that felt?"

Not Dad: "No."

Dad: Reaches over and touches sleeve "It is now!"


That Joke Killed!


Why do graveyards have gates?

Because people are dying to get in.

My Dad always told it passing a graveyard.


Lean Back. Lean Back.

"I love my furniture. My recliner and I go way back."


Stating The Obvious, But Still Hilarious

I had a terrible day yesterday. As I was walking home, a man in a wheelchair stole my camouflage jacket!

As he was wheeling away, I shouted after him, "you can hide but you can't run!"


Give It A Second...


A magician was walking down the street.

Then, he turned into a grocery store.


Car Humor. That's All.

Dad putting car in reverse

Dad: Ahh, this takes me back


That's Always The Point

Not a joke in the traditional sense but, when I'm at a restaurant and the waitress says "Do you wanna box for that?" I always reply with "No, but I'll wrestle you for it."

No one ever gets it but it makes me laugh. And that's the point, right?


And the King of Them All...?


I tell dad jokes.

Sometimes he laughs.


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