People Break Down The Most Creative Insult They've Ever Heard

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

"I held the door open for an older black woman at work one day (I am pasty white) and she looked at me dead in the eye and said 'F*** you mayonnaise monkey' and went through the door like I was not there."

"I had no f***ing idea if that was an insult or how I should take it, so I had to go find a black co-worker to get a ruling... he died laughing and started calling his friends on speaker phone."

"I am haunted to this day."

-- DeliaKing

Uses of the Head

" 'You've gotta stop using your head as just a container for your teeth' " -- CheeseSamosas

"This reminds me of once that my boss said about someone 'It seems that he only uses his head to get haircuts' " -- MarsNirgal

"My dad use to say: 'Use your head for more than a hat rack.' " -- ITF***ed

Trash on Trash Violence

" 'If you ate trash, it would be cannibalism.' I was mad about a tweet." -- Delica

"Damnnn" -- ikindalold

Sports Lingo

"Was at a baseball game. Dude in the crowd yells to the batter: 'I've seen better swings on a porch!' " -- feedthehogs

"I don't remember which sport I was watching, but a fellow crowd member shouted out: 'If the ref had one more eye, he'd be a cyclops!' " -- sgf68

Family Values

"Something I heard on Malcolm in the Middle, and it's seared in the back of my mind and I will use this against someone someday. I can't wait until then:"

"In one episode Lois is out with her boys and their new neighbors. The neighbor kids were acting up and their mom wasn't doing anything about it, so Lois asked that mom to take care of her kids."

"To which that mom said, 'are you questioning my parenting?' Lois responded, 'I don't know how I can, I haven't seen any.' "

"I'm just waiting to use that myself :)"

-- llcucf80

Secret Insults

" 'You're right at the top of the Bell Curve aren't you..' Brilliant because it sounds like a compliment." -- Khal_Andy90

"It's not really an insult either. It's at the top of the insult/compliment bell curve." -- elee0228

"I mean, for people like me who know ourselves to be below average, it's a downright compliment." -- SirUnknown2

Ongoing

"A quote from Firefly: 'I'm guessing you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling.' " -- AnotherJasonOnReddit

"Any insult from Firefly." -- KATEOFTHUNDER

"I particularly like the line 'My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.' " -- Quesriom

So Relatable it Stings

"You're the human version of internet explorer." -- F10HC8

"Or as heard on Community: 'You're the AT&T of people.' " -- ecoandrewtrc

"The only big problem is that if it's true they won't get the joke until much later in the day." -- PM_ME_RECIPES

Marine Life

"Some guy was mocking me for looking young so I told him I'd rather have baby face than a face that looks like smoked salmon. He got pi**ed but his mate stopped him and said no, that's fair." -- Goaheadidareyou

"An aussie friend once described an ugly person as having a face like a smashed crab" -- 7788445511220011 

Good Coverage

" 'Your nose is so large you could smoke a cigarette in the shower' -- My brother" -- frorefjord

"I heard that one on The Sopranos years ago" -- awesomemofo75

"My coworker jokes his nose is so big he can eat a hot dog in the rain" -- Hell_bent666

"Kind of opposite, 'face so flat she can bite the wall' " -- 7788445511220011

Fatherhood

"Me at swimming pool: Dad I don't see any of my friends here."

"Dad: Just find the oldest fattest idiot and ask him to be friends with you."

"Me: Looks around for a quick minute and turns back to dad."

"Me: Want to be my friend?"

-- JrOstrich

Very Subtle 

"In my line of work I deal with a ton of rude people on the phone."

"When I finish the call with these Karens and Kens, I just tell them, 'Have the day you deserve' then click."

Scientific Conjectures

"100 million sperm and you're the one who made it? You should have been used for stem cell research." -- Riff-Ref

"Maybe the egg part was stupid." -- superleipoman

A Low Ceiling on Intelligence

" 'You have room temperature IQ' I can't remember where it is from, but I say it all of the time." -- veganc**ts

"Loses some punch in US territories." -- Daikataro

"laughs in kelvin" -- 1856NT

Usually an Easy A

" 'You look like the kind of person who could fail a DNA test' " -- Jingothejumper

"Or better yet, 'I bet you couldn't even spell DNA.' " -- nineteen-sixty

"The doctors were very impressed when I aced it. Joe Biden couldn't even pass it." -- DocSaysItsDainBramuj