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Listen there's no gentle way to put this so let's just come right out with it.
Some dude patronizing a Nashville, Tennessee bar owned by 90s singer/songwriter/cowboy (baybee) Kid Rock was arrested and charged with multiple crimes after he swung his colostomy bag—as in a bag, surgically attached to his colon, that was full of his feces—at some cops and hit them in the face with his poop.
Yes, this is a real story, there are court documents and everything.
Police said a man who was drunk outside Kid Rock's bar on Broadway swung his colostomy bag filled with feces and st… https://t.co/iMMadUqzl5— WSMV News4 Nashville (@WSMV News4 Nashville)1620081000.0
It's hard to know where to even begin here, so let's first get out of the way the full given name of Kid Rock's bar is Kid Rock's Honky Tonk Rock 'N Roll Steakhouse.
WTF is a "honky tonk rock 'n roll steakhouse" you ask? Literally not one person on Earth could tell you.
But one thing we all know in our heart of hearts is that if you let Kid Rock build a "honky tonk rock 'n roll steakhouse" someone, someday is gonna swing a bag of their feces at the cops. It's an immutable law of the universe we all know to be true in our guts (sorry).
Anyhoo... this story starts off prosaically enough. A guy named Nicholas Newhart had a bit too much to drink while honky tonking, rock 'n rolling and, of course, steakhousing at Kid Rock's Honky Tonk Rock 'n Roll Steakhouse.
Who among us?
After Newhart was found drunkenly loitering outside, beer in hand, blocking an emergency exit, he was asked to leave. He refused, so staff called the police for assistance.
Cut to Newhart pulling his colostomy bag out of his pants and swinging it at the cops, hitting two of them with his feces. We've heard of getting sh*t-faced, but this is ridiculous (sorry again).
The cops immediately arrested Newhart, as one would, and now he's in deep sh*t (sorry, that really is the last one). He's been charged with assault, disorderly conduct and public intoxication.
Naturally, Twitter's general consensus on this story has been a resounding "yep, sounds about right."
I can’t believe how much sense this headline actually makes. https://t.co/WOOffqBo3V— Richard Marx (@Richard Marx)1620250003.0
@ck2049 @consequence ...and Colostomy Shack.— Glenn Stefani (@Glenn Stefani)1620251215.0
@consequence This is a better headline than anything the state of Florida could produce..... Unless this happened in Florida.— A Purell for the Soul (@A Purell for the Soul)1620241552.0
@TheRickWilson Attacking cops with your colostomy bag at a Kid Rock venue seems a little on the nose to me. Could… https://t.co/zCCB07w7gC— FoxitusHat (@FoxitusHat)1620138105.0
@consequence That bag was probably the cleanest thing in that bar.— The Foncé 👍🏿😷 (@The Foncé 👍🏿😷)1620253638.0
@richardmarx @VaGyver I'd be disappointed if I went to Kid Rock's and didn't get attacked with a colostomy bag.— Chip Harbour (@Chip Harbour)1620251366.0
headline Mad Libs https://t.co/PpKZXGMm9F— Hayley Miller (@Hayley Miller)1620297699.0
Kid Rock. Colostomy bags. Two things that just belong together. https://t.co/fhJTnGrkaI— Jeff Timmer (@Jeff Timmer)1620304737.0
@NYDailyNews Most action packed sentence ever Drunk Ex-con White supremacist tattoos Colostomy bag Weapon Kid Roc… https://t.co/FsleLq7t81— Jim Higgins (@Jim Higgins)1620264970.0
everyone is texting me the kid rock honky tonk colostomy bag news, and lemme tell you, nothing is more karmically a… https://t.co/7J6yXkETOr— eric slick (@eric slick)1619963313.0
Because this is the 2020s and we live in Hell, Kid Rock will inevitably write a song about this that will sweep the 2022 Grammys.
It's a shame Newhart will probably still be in jail and miss the whole thing.