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Listen there's no gentle way to put this so let's just come right out with it.
Some dude patronizing a Nashville, Tennessee bar owned by 90s singer/songwriter/cowboy (baybee) Kid Rock was arrested and charged with multiple crimes after he swung his colostomy bag—as in a bag, surgically attached to his colon, that was full of his feces—at some cops and hit them in the face with his poop.
Yes, this is a real story, there are court documents and everything.
It's hard to know where to even begin here, so let's first get out of the way the full given name of Kid Rock's bar is Kid Rock's Honky Tonk Rock 'N Roll Steakhouse.
WTF is a "honky tonk rock 'n roll steakhouse" you ask? Literally not one person on Earth could tell you.
But one thing we all know in our heart of hearts is that if you let Kid Rock build a "honky tonk rock 'n roll steakhouse" someone, someday is gonna swing a bag of their feces at the cops. It's an immutable law of the universe we all know to be true in our guts (sorry).
Anyhoo... this story starts off prosaically enough. A guy named Nicholas Newhart had a bit too much to drink while honky tonking, rock 'n rolling and, of course, steakhousing at Kid Rock's Honky Tonk Rock 'n Roll Steakhouse.
Who among us?
After Newhart was found drunkenly loitering outside, beer in hand, blocking an emergency exit, he was asked to leave. He refused, so staff called the police for assistance.
Cut to Newhart pulling his colostomy bag out of his pants and swinging it at the cops, hitting two of them with his feces. We've heard of getting sh*t-faced, but this is ridiculous (sorry again).
The cops immediately arrested Newhart, as one would, and now he's in deep sh*t (sorry, that really is the last one). He's been charged with assault, disorderly conduct and public intoxication.
Naturally, Twitter's general consensus on this story has been a resounding "yep, sounds about right."
Because this is the 2020s and we live in Hell, Kid Rock will inevitably write a song about this that will sweep the 2022 Grammys.
It's a shame Newhart will probably still be in jail and miss the whole thing.