We all harbor a secret fear that we are, in some way, undateable.
We've been spoon-fed Hollywood ideas of romance for ages, with the idea that our soulmate is out there just waiting for us to find them--but real life isn't a deposit of perfect matches, cut in half, searching for their long lost loves. Real life is a collection of faults, neuroses, insecurities, and contradictions just wanting to make their way in the world.
u/haruki_chan asked:
"What's hard about dating you?"
Here were some of those answers.
Just No Time At All
I've been single for a very long time. I have a ton of time consuming hobbies and my working hours are pretty flexible so they're all over the place.
Sometimes I feel like there isn't enough time in the week for me to do everything I want to do. I also hate going out.
I'm actually pretty intimidated by the idea of giving up so much of my time for a relationship, but I'm also a getting a little bit tired of being alone. It's a catch 22 if you pretend I'd be able to find a relationship if I tried.
Deep Like A Puddle
I'm not a very deep person, and most women I speak to have bachelors and masters and I failed community college. I have a great paying job since I learned a trade, but when it comes to having meaningful or deep conversations I have nothing to offer and they seem to pick up on that and become disinterested. I don't blame them, nor am I angry about it. I'm not one of those who blame other people for my problems, I work very hard to improve myself but it's hard.
Feelings Aren't Threatening
I have a lot of feelings. Sometimes little things make me cry, or laugh hysterically, or scream, and then I want to talk about them.
Or at least, that's what my ex's all said was hard.
No Kids 4 Me
I'm 22 years old and have a vasectomy. I don't want kids and that really scares off a lot of potential dates. I'm also bisexual, and some people are hesitant about that, but being childfree is the bigger issue.
Just Time Off
I'm content with a boring life. I just want to have weekends off and a family. Don't need any frills or exotic vacations. I'm way happier sitting on a porch overlooking a lake than spending thousands of dollars to go to tourist destinations.
Dude same. All these people all over dating apps be like : lOOKing fOR sOmEoNE tO AdVEnTUre wITH. Listen I'm cool to come home from work, eat dinner, watch TV, and go to bed every day. I'm not out here trying to backpack through Malaysia or go skydiving in the Maldives.
I studied abroad for six weeks, and have taken small trips to Mexico but aside from a honeymoon trip I have no interest in travelling. Not even in the US that much. I want to have a good, solid, middle class life with my family. I don't need to bells, whistles, glitter, and rave lighting. I honestly have seen and done enough to be satisfied with my experiences to not feel the need to chase other things.
Not everyone is like that and when I tell them they usually dip. I'm not changing that about myself to make someone happy. Yes, I'd make concessions and compromise here and there, but really not too much if I'm being honest. Which is hard because I'm 25. I'm not in my 30s or 40s so it's a weird stance on life to take compared to the rest of my generation.
Family First
Two things:
- I can bottle things up. I don't like to share burdens, thinking myself strong enough to carry all my own problems in addition to everyone else's.
- I've had girlfriends complain that I will drop everything the moment my family needs help (especially my sister who is a single mom with a 5y/o). I've dropped proms, rescheduled dates and canceled planned hangouts or asked them to hang out while I babysit. At first they find this an admirable quality, but when it comes apparent that it happens quite regularly I can understand how it becomes an annoyance.
It's Gotta Be Right
I'm affectionate, but emotionally unavailable. Also, serious relationships require serious work and sacrifice. Since that's a huge cost to me, I tend not to invest that level into relationships unless it's very, very special.
This Needs Work
I push people away because I'm afraid that they'll see my flaws or have already caught on to my flaws. So I'm afraid that they'll leave me when they see the real me as opposed to the initial impression of me that made them feel comfortable enough to be with me. I'd rather push people away before they have a chance to leave me and hurt me.
When I take a step back, I see how unhealthy this is, but in the moment I just freak out and run.
New Love Languages
I tend to get really annoyed and frustrated if I feel like she's upset about something that I feel is irrational, or if she's expecting me to know how she's feeling or what she's angry about without explicitly telling me. I also tend to come across as more emotionally distant because I don't automatically express my feelings and don't really enjoy much physical affection, but I am working on that
Looking For A Love Substitute
Self-esteem issues. Deep down i'm insecure that I get anxiety when my partner does not message me for a couple of hours, I get jealous easily, I have trust issues that I stalk my partner's social media and even opened it several times, checking on their messages. I have abandonment issues. I cover it up with confidence and pour them with affection which is why I appear overbearing, no respect for boundaries, and controlling.
I am very aware on how wrong this is which is why I'm doing my best to change.
Trying Love Languages
I have several things going against me I think:
Currently, it's the fact that I have home improvement projects planned for my house, and dating cuts into that time. Things take long enough as it is, I can't imagine how much longer it would be if I didn't have the weekend either.
Maybe I'm being too picky but I don't want to date someone who doesn't even have a savings account at this age (I'm mid-30s). I don't want to work until I'm dead, nor do I want to carry my partner in retirement because they'd rather enjoy life now.
I don't want kids. That includes being a step-mom.
I don't do warm and fuzzy. My parents didn't raise me with words of affirmation so the idea of even telling people I care about them makes me uncomfortable. Hearing it from past partners also made me uncomfortable.
Energy Down The Drain
I am an emotional drain. I haven't had a good sense of self in such a long time and I'm not sure what I want out of life. It is hard to build something with someone when you don't know what to build towards.
How Could I Trust Again?
I most likely have abandonment issues as I was cheated on in my first relationship and had very few friends or people who showed interest in me in my life during my early years, and really, still to this day. The two friends I did have moved literally to the other side of the country, also when I was young, and basically dropped off and rarely reached out to me after the fact, which made me feel very unimportant to them or anyone else.
I'm a very independent person too, so I tend to just do sh!t on my own without even thinking that it's okay to even think about asking for assistance.
I'm quite clingy and needy because of this and I tend to read into and overthink situations way further or differently then I should and I put their action in a negative light. I can very easily convince myself that my SO has found someone else to fulfill something in their life and that I'm not needed or wanted and it's usually very small things, which doesn't help at all. I am usually pretty terrified that they will cheat emotionally more than anything and form a deeper connection with someone who isn't me and I will be left alone again.
I'm also a VERY physical person. Not sexually, just affectionate. If I'm within arms reach, I will touch my SO in one way or another. Even just resting a toe on their ankle is enough. Just for my brain to know they're there and real. It's literally an unconscious thing too. I don't even realize it and then my SO laughs sometimes and is like "You just like to touch me huh?" And I'm like "Yeah, I guess I do."
No Sex Drive
I consider myself grey-asexual. I often could really not care a single bit that sex exists. Sometimes going to the point of being borderline sex repulsed. I can and do enjoy sex but not all the time. This also ties over to me not always being overly affectionate and cuddly. (I have two very needy wonderful clingy partners and this tends to f** with them a bit)
No More Smooches
I can't seem to find anyone I even want to kiss. I'll date someone and when they try to kiss me I cringe away or force myself to get it over with. It's like kissing a brother or something. My relationships can't progress cuz I can't even get past that point. I'm not sure if it's because something is wrong with me or if they're all the wrong people.
All by myself
I grew up moving around a lot, which made me a bit solitary and independent. I love having company and people around, and I'm not antisocial, but I never see it necessary to check up on people or to ask my friends or girlfriends to come over. I grew up only ever seeing friends or girls once a week in high school, so girls I date think I don't want to be with them as much as they want to be with me.
