A woman incurred the wrath of Redditors when she said she decided not to invite her gay brother to her daughter's wedding.
While her future son-in-law—who is referred to as 'James'—is fine with people's sexuality, his family is very religious and anti-LGBTQ.
James' parents vehemently objected to having the presence of a gay couple at the wedding.
In a meek attempt to keep the peace, Redditor "throwaway28276261618" prioritized accommodating the homophobic family over the needs of her daughter.
The original poster asked AITA (Am I the A**hole) for not inviting her gay brother and his partner to her daughter's wedding.
"So my daughters wedding is soon, and we sent out invitations last week. Let's call my daughter's fiancé James just for this."
"'James' is a very nice man with good values and I believe he is perfect for my daughter. James' family however is VERY religious, and after meeting with them before, it's become pretty clear they're extreme homophobes, especially his parents (James has no problem with gay people himself however)."
"My brother is gay and he has a partner he's been with for a few years now. James' family knows about this, and it's something they are really bothered by. They don't directly tell us, but they've mentioned it to James who has told my daughter who has told me."
"So when we were going to send out invitations last week, James told me personally that his family didn't want my brother to come to the wedding."
"I'm assuming my daughter doesn't know about this. I knew why his parents didn't want my brother to come, and I was quite shocked that they got to the point where they wouldn't allow me to invite him."
"My brother was always visiting our house and my daughter always loved to play with him when she was young. Our family has accepted him as part of the family, along with his husband who is a very friendly person."
At this point—based on her daughter's close kinship with her uncle—the decision to invite him and his lover should have been final.
But then the OP sought approval from the groom.
"I told James I was going to invite my brother anyways because he was very close and my daughter would've wanted him there."
"Then what happened was James' parents came over and spoke to us about how they were not going to tolerate a gay person at the wedding, and how it was 'embarrassing' to accept someone like that. They told me that if he were to come, he would have to not bring his partner."
"I proposed this to my brother and his partner and they did NOT take it well."
"My brother said that if he was coming, so would his partner. I then told him he couldn't come because James' parents would make a scene."
"He then called me a d*ck and said that I don't have to listen to them and if I truly wanted them to come I would invite them anyway."
"So my situation is that my daughters fiancé's parents don't want my gay brother to come to my daughters wedding. Although he is close to my daughter and I personally wanted him there, I didn't invite him because James' parents would make a big scene out of it. So AITA?"
Since the OP did solicit some feedback, Redditors showed no mercy.
Many disappointed users responded to the OP with YTA (You're the A**hole) for kowtowing to the fiancé's ignorant and hateful family.
This user let the OP have it by listing three reasons to support the YTA decision.
"One, for siding with the homophobic over the perfectly nice gay couple. That's an homophobic choice."
"Two, for making this decision rather than letting it in the hands of the bride-and-groom. Not sure who died and made you the king/queen of this wedding."
"Three, this comes off as an awfulbrag, which is just trolling/attention-seeking rather than genuinely wondering what we will think about this." – No_regrats
"Yep YTA. Definitely sending a message to his brother by not inviting him.
"Bride and groom need to put their foot down, but if the grooms on the same foot as the family... that's a red flag? Is part of it finance, or is it just the big blow up factor?" – KinkyGCM
"Every time someone says 'don't invite X because I'm bigoted towards them', the correct answer is to not invite the bigot." – claireauriga
"Seriously! Gay people at the wedding are a problem but homophobes aren't?" – thebratqueen
This person could not use enough "a**hole" references in getting their point across and mentioned that the OP—even though she is not homophobic—is still complicit in perpetuating hatred.
"I don't get how people don't understand that if you pass along someone else's a**hole behavior, in almost every single case that also makes you an a**hole."
"Sure, the homophobes are the original a**holes in this story. But by actively accommodating their a**hole behavior OP is himself being a homophobic a**hole."
"OP may not think this, as he himself doesn't harbor homophobic intent. But his actions are the same either way. Do homophobic stuff - that makes you a homophobe regardless of how you feel about it."
"The only possible exceptions to this IMO are if the person passing on the a**hole behavior would incur extremely significant costs (like lose your only source of income or get kicked out of your home and become homeless sorts of costs, not just be embarrassed because someone made a scene) by standing up to the a**hole."
"If your life may feasibly be ruined by standing up to the a**hole (and the a**hole behavior you're standing against isn't ruining someone else's life if left unchecked), then maybe the a**hole-transitivity-property doesn't apply.
"OP, YTA" – frumpy_teapot
"YTA times a million. How dare you chose bigots over your brother?!?"
"How dare you think you have a say in the guest list?"
"How dare you not stick up for your brother to these a**holes?!?"
"How dare you not tell James that he needs to tell his parents to f'k off??" – RavensAreBlack613
"YTA. A) the people who's input truly matters are the bride and groom and you haven't given us their verdict, and B) excluding gay folk for the comfort of homophobes is inherently homophobic." – grumpyspudgal
"And if they make a scene or say anything nasty, someone should be there to escort them out promptly and firmly. The homophobes should not get to have say here. They are the problem."
"Don't let them make good people miss a wedding of someone they love."
"OP you have some apologizing to do. And some clarifying wedding attendance behavior to do. Won't be easy. Will be worth it."
"And James needs to change his tune too." – cutestain
"YTA!!!!!!! This isn't their wedding. And the thought of you picking some randoms who are only attached to you by a relationship your daughter has over your blood brother is gross."
"If they don't want to come because your brother is there, good! They sound like party poopers anyways." – MermaidFishCo
The line about the brother being accepted as "part of the family" did not go unnoticed.
"Am I the only one that caught on to 'Our family has accepted him as a part of the family.'? Like... F'king thanks? He was already part of your family." – comfortable_madness
"That line about accepting him as part of the family baffled me. Like... he is part of the family? By default? Because he was born into it???????" – jentlefolk
"The first person you should've spoken to is your daughter. This is her wedding and her family. Does she have no say in the situation that she is marrying into?"
"And to talk to your brother with that way, so cruel! You basically just chose these people you don't even really know over your own brother. Honestly what were you thinking?" – Messerschmidty
"MightyMary007" declared that ESH (everyone sucks here).
"ESH. His parents s*ck for being intolerant. You s*ck for caving into their demands. If they can't handle inhabiting a space with people who think differently than they do, THEY are the ones who shouldn't be there."
A gay Redditor spared the OP further condemnation and suggested how to untangle the mess.
"Oh lorddd. OP as a gay man, YTA but at least you are trying not to be a hugggeee one."
"It's not your or their wedding. It's your daughters. You need to sit down with your daughter, her fiancé, your brother and his partner ASAP and sort this out."
"Only your daughter and her fiancé should get to choose. MIL / FIL need not be there because they obviously will cause a scene that's unneeded."
"Also, if my sister (who is somewhat religious and right leaning, but loves me and I love her) told me I couldn't come to my nieces wedding because I'm gay and her fiancée parents would be upset I would cut contact with you then and there. No longer family."
"You need to decide what's more important. Your 'image' to these people, or your family. Choose wisely, and I hope you choose the right way." – iSirMeepsAlot
In response to all the criticism, the OP redeemed herself with a positive update.
"My daughter has been informed of the situation and she wants her uncle to come, along with his partner, so that's what's going to happen."
"Judging by the comments most of you hate me but I'm going to try and right this wrong and will stand up for my brother and his partner at the wedding."
"And please I'm not homophobic."
Maybe James' family will eventually come around too.
One could hope.