This "Today I F'd Up" subReddit post is courtesy of a woman who indulged in a solo night of casual drinking and forgot to pee before going to bed.
At one point during the middle of the night in her unconscious state, Original Poster (OP) "laurpr2" made a trip to the bathroom – or somewhere she thought was the proper facility.
Let's just say: "urine danger, girl."
She found out the hard way that her socks sufficiently soaked up her business better than any toilet paper during the T.P. apocalypse.
For starters, lets' get acquainted with our tipsy heroine.
"Two things you need to know about me: I'm a pretty neat person, and I'm a woman."
"After a long week, I decided I wanted to spend my Friday night at home with a glass of wine to unwind, then go to bed absurdly early to catch up on some much-needed sleep."
But the OP realized she had to abandon her initial plan and settle for the next best thing.
"Unfortunately, I'd forgotten I have no wine, so I settled for the only alcohol on hand: vodka."
"I ended up drinking too much (don't worry, I balanced it out with a large glass of water, don't want a hangover) and stumbling to bed around 8."
There was a disturbance in the wee hours of the morning thanks to a ruckus outside, and the OP resorted to waking up for the day.
"Come 2:09am, my frat boy neighbors get home from whatever bar they were at and yell at each other in the street until their friend's Uber arrives like we don't live in a quiet residential area full of apartment buildings."
"I lay in bed for an hour before coming to terms with the fact that I'm not going to be able to fall back asleep, and my Saturday is starting much earlier than I'd planned. (The time I got up isn't really relevant to the story, but I just wanted to take this opportunity to tell my neighbors, from the bottom of my heart, to go f'k themselves.)"
Then she made a peculiar discovery.
"I'm about to get dressed when I notice my sock drawer is open, which immediately strikes me as weird since 1) I don't leave drawers open and 2) I haven't worn socks this week, and that's literally all that's in there."
"Also, one pair has been pulled out of the row (yes, I fold my socks) and is just laying on top."
You know those slow realization moments where you acknowledge something that is never good?
This is one of those.
"I pick it up."
"All the socks are wet."
"And despite all the drinking I did last night, I don't have to pee."
"Horrified, I realized that at some point in the night, I must have gotten up, pulled open my sock drawer, sat down, and pissed on my socks. And then wiped."
The OP's handy-dandy sleep-tracking app – which is a thing – confirmed she was literally piss-drunk.
"I checked the sleep-tracking app I use, and sure enough, a couple hours after I went to bed there's a recording that confirms my theory. (Also, I was talking and singing nonsense words to myself. In my sleep. Like an insane person.)"
"So here I am, starting off my weekend with a drawer full of urine-soaked socks, and the sun isn't even up."
Redditors assured her that it happens to the best of us and provided some examples
"Haha - happens more often than you think."
"Also after some heavy drinking my brother was woken up by his girlfriend punching him and screaming at him. That's when he realized he was peeing on her CD tower."
"He'd been looking for an excuse to break up with her, but the incident seemed to do the trick. He still jokes that he 'pissed her off' that night."
"Also have a friend who knew a girl that brought her boyfriend home to meet her parents. Much later, after they were engaged, the girl's parents told her that during that first visit they were woken up by the boyfriend sleep walking into their room, peeing on their clothes hamper and sleep walking back to bed."
"The parents hadn't said anything because they liked the boyfriend and didn't want to embarrass him." – iujohn3
"Did nearly the exact same thing in college although my interaction went more like this: Ex-gf and I get very drunk, go to bed."
"I drunkenly get up to go to the bathroom. Don't move more than 2 feet from the bed and start pulling down my sweats. Ex wakes up and says 'No! You're not in the bathroom go use the toilet!'"
"So I proceed to concede, walk over to the dresser, open the sock drawer, piss in it, close it, and fumble for a flush lever that isn't there before coming back to bed."
"Ex just rolled over and let me discover it in the morning. I remember none of this. You're not alone." – TheIronTongue
"I had a friend who was a pretty high functioning alcoholic and he was also the DM of our dnd campaign that was hosted weekly at me and my boyfriend at the times apartment."
"This one session hes mid sentence explaining some new obstacle, stops, turns around and walks across the living room to our couch, pulls his pants down to his ankles, and just starts pissing all over the couch."
"I started screaming and everyone was laughing, but i didn't want to touch him and get pee on me."
"He finishes and then lays down on the pee soaked couch with his pants still down, and falls asleep." – rschultz1794
"I think that's called a drinking problem. I had to wake my ex multiple times from him peeing in strange places.. but generally only on my stuff.. it was nice." – sweetbabygreen
"Don't worry, i woke up naked on the sofa one morning after i had drank a questionable amount of alcohol. Walked over to the sink to get some water, stood in a puddle."
"Turns out i walked downstairs naked, pissed all over the dish washer, then went back to sleep on the sofa butt naked." – LucasRH
Can you really be pissed at someone who piddles on your stuff when they're technically asleep?
"For a little while in college I was in a 3-person dorm, I'll never forget waking up to 'Chris, you're pissing on our food!' and seeing my other roommate had stumbled in drunk, opened the mini fridge and started peeing in it like a urinal." – thechort7
On the other hand, what a relief!
"For a second I was worried that the frat guys came in your socks, I'm glad it was just you peeing on your socks :)" – HadidTheHyder
These urinators had shocking consequences and wet appliances
"About 30 years ago when we shared a house my brother wandered into my bedroom at about 3 am and began pissing in a corner."
"It took me several seconds too long to realize what he was doing and before I could shout a warning / abuse at him there was a huge bang as my power amplifier blew up. Suffice to say it wasn't just his wallet that hurt the next day :)" – Jonny7Tenths
"Yeah...I've done this too. Unfortunately I didn't ruin my socks, but my ps4 instead. And I apparently knocked my tv over and broke the screen. It was a very upsetting morning." – garlic_naaaannn
"My first experience like this was waking up to go pee at the same time my alarm clock went off and I pissed on it until a small fire broke out."
"Don't remember anything until my wife woke me up by screaming at this drunken idiot. Glad I don't live alone." – HowMuchDidIDrink
"Similar story here, but I did it into the fan vent at the very back of my PC tower. I destroyed a brand new GTX1060 and have been having random crashes since. (Edit - my friends still jokingly call me "The Computer Whizz")" – guntherslunt
Mistaken identity was the downfall for this poor trash can and hamper.
"I agree that this happens, I had a party where a bunch of friends from out of town came to stay. We all proceeded to get really drunk."
"I crashed in my bed a little early and in the morning I woke up to a lot of looks from everyone. I was informed that I had gotten up in my robe and when I found the bathroom was occupied decided to take a piss in my garbage can a few feet away from everyone else who was going to sleep."
"Apparently I said something along the lines of 'I'm going to be in trouble in the morning hehe' and passed back out. In my defense the garbage can was white just like the toilet lol."
"Thankfully my fiance and friends were very gracious and cleaned up after me. I was on the receiving end of jokes for a few years but otherwise no harm done." – Jbollocks131
"DW I've used a hamper as a toilette once, didn't work out well either." – superjudgebunny
Wet socks are better than soaked clothes.
"Omfg you just reminded me...so my freshman roommate in college had a friend from home visit her, they went out to bars and I went somewhere else with my friends."
"When my friends and I got back, we went into the back room to change, and find my roommate squatting over her friend's OPEN suitcase peeing in it."
"Also woke up the next morning to the friend wondering why all her clothes were wet. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to embarrass my roommate." – random_222
In life, we know sh*t happens.