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It's no secret that weddings are tremendously expensive to plan and host—but with inflation, destination weddings becoming increasingly popular, and more people opting for luxury weddings, it's alarming how expensive it's becoming to attend a wedding as a guest as well.
Including the cost of travel, clothing, the wedding gift, and also potentially lodging, hair and makeup, and cash bars, some people have to save up money for months just to attend a loved one's wedding.
But a popular luxury wedding planner, Melissa Andre, argued on TikTok that guests shouldn't have to experience financial strain just to be a part of their loved one's special day.
On her TikTok channel, Andre often shares behind-the-scenes looks at the luxury weddings that she plans, with some running as high as $5,000 per dinner plate. She also answers many popular questions, like where to get the best deals on bridesmaids' dressings, popular venues, and how to navigate serving alcohol tastefully at a wedding.
But a question she gets "all the time" is how much a guest should expect to spend on a wedding gift, whether it should be an item off of the registry or cash, and whether or not they should also match the cost of their dinner plate.
Andre passionately argues that couples should not view their guests as donors for their wedding day or their honeymoon, and that they should plan their wedding according to their true budget, not a dream budget.
Also, guests shouldn't feel pressured to give more than they are financially able to give. Rather, they should base their gift on their financial needs and their relationship with the bride and groom, and they should otherwise put their energy into celebrating the new couple's love rather than stressing about going into debt.
Andre argued:
“Guests are not there to pay for your honeymoon or to pay off your outstanding vendor bills from your wedding."
"You can have a beautiful wedding at any budget, even if it’s just 'join us for champagne and wedding cake in the garden following the ceremony.'"
You can watch the video here:
The video proved to be incredibly divisive among the TikTok crowd as some were relieved by Andre's view of gifting, while others expected to be reimbursed by their guests.
Some TikTokers adamantly agreed with Andre's perspective.
@melissaandre/TikTok
@melissaandre/TikTok
@melissaandre/TikTok
@melissaandre/TikTok
@melissaandre/TikTok
@melissaandre/TikTok
But some thought it was pretty selfish to put the happy couple into debt at the start of their marriage.
To this, Andre pointed out that guests are not forcing the bride and groom to get married, or to serve a pricey meal at their wedding, or instructing them on how up-scale and expensive their wedding should be. The happy couple is making those decisions, so it's up to them to cover the costs.
Others continued to argue in favor of paying to cover the cost of their plate.
But Andre argued that there was no set amount that a guest could base their plate cost on, and that would not be a polite question to ask the couple or wedding planner. Andre frequently plans weddings that cost thousands of dollars per plate, and that would not be feasible for most guests to cover.
But even if in the $50 to 100 plate range, it would be poor decorum to expect guests to cover the expenses the couple should have budgeted for in the first place.
Some claimed to match whatever was spent at their wedding, going so far as to keep track of money spent on them.
Andre had strong feelings against this, as well, pointing out that money spent shouldn't be in direct correlation with the quality of a relationship with a friend or family member.
Also, a person may not be able to gift what they would like when they're a college student or ill or in-between jobs, which doesn't necessarily mean they're unworthy of receiving a nice gift 10 years later when they and their loved ones are in much better financial positions than before.
Andre reminded viewers again of the importance of gifting based on the relationship with the happy couple, as well as a person's financial means. A guest shouldn't have to go in debt just to attend.
Finally, there was the question of whether a couple could ask for just monetary gifts, to which Andre gave an adamant no.
While it is a common question that Andre receives and she understands why people are asking, she pointed out that there are no situations where it's okay to tell other people how to spend their money.
Whether it's how much money to gift, to provide a gift or to give cash, or to attend the wedding at all, the couple should never feel entitled to direct their guests on how to spend their money on the event they're giving up their own time to attend.
While wedding planning is expensive and at times stressful, it remains entirely the happy couple's decision to get married and also to host the wedding they want to host.
If they're concerned about how much they're spending and expect to recoup some of the money they spent through their guests' pocketbooks, that's a good sign that they may be living beyond their means and should consider downsizing their wedding day.