What's Yours Is Mine Now

I asked my friend's 3 year old son who his new girlfriend was.

He said it was my girlfriend.

insanecrazy4

Pants? Not A Problem.

I was at a party in college. One of my friends was chatting up some girl he was into. Another one of our friends went up and pants him - pants and boxers.

My dude didn't freak out, or break conversation flow. He just stood there daffy-ducking with zero f-cks given.

And that man got laid that night.

Ganglebot

Let Me Just Tap Myself Off

At a bar, not particularly busy, bartender was talking to some girl across bar, ignoring everybody else who was trying to get drinks.

10 minutes go by, still chatting, guy reaches across bar and fills himself up from tap.

Somatose-

Don't Test Me, Professor

My father told me this story. He had a friend that took philosophy class and they were discussing authority. The teacher made an example: "If I say, the class is over you can leave, you will do it. But if Mark says the same thing you will stay here."

After that Mark stood up and said the class was over they could leave AND EVERY STUDENT LEFT THE ROOM.

He_Schizophreniac

Just Following Your Rules...

this kid from my class in high school was too late for physics class. when he entered the class the teacher said "when you are too late you know you are not supposed to enter that door, Jacob".

So, this happened on a summer day, and the fire exit-door was open... after ten minutes we hear this walking sound on the metal steps of the emergency stairs outside. We had class in room 403, the fourth floor. After a while we all see Jacob entering the room from the fire exit like nothing happened and sit down.

thisisBigToe

No, We're Done Here

I was meeting up with my friends at the bar. They had all been there for a while and comprised about 90% of the bar's business. When I walked in the hostess decided I was going to be the first one charged a cover fee for entry. I told her I wasn't there for their event and just wanted to sit with my friends already at the bar. She told me tough luck basically and that I would have to pay.

I yelled over to my friends she wouldn't let me in without paying and they all just stood up and left so we could go to our favorite bar instead. Was only like a $5 or $10 doller cover, and instead of getting it they lost the majority of their current business (about 7 people total, all of whom drink more than they should). My friends made me look like a boss, but it wouldn't have been a power move without them.

I'm lucky to have a great group that has each other's back.

LetYourLoveShow

My Buddies Against Yours

Driving somewhere with my brother in the middle of the night. Stop at the gas station, kid runs up to the car as we're going to drive away, my brother rolls down the window. Kid asks my brother to buy him smokes, my brother tells him straight to f-ck off. Kid tells my brother to f-ck off for disrespecting him, and that he "best drive off like a b-tch or him and his buddies will beat us like the p--sies we are". Some sh-t like that.

My brother says some sh-t like, "Oh sorry 'sir', I guess I need my buddies then" and flashes his badge at the kid.

Kid's eyes went huge and he ran.

billbapapa

Enjoy My Fart Cloud

My boyfriend's 5-year-old niece was sitting on my lap. Her 7-year-old brother wanted to sit on my lap, so she farted on me and was like "guess you'll have to sit in my fart cloud, now."

fwooby_pwow

Huh...People Appreciate The Chase, I Guess

Dropped my son at preschool early with breakfast. Only other kids there was a girl eating her breakfast at one end of the table. She bats her eyes and says, "You can sit by me."

He says, "I like this seat over here," at the other end of the table.

And she got up and moved.

nevermind-stet

Teach 'Em Early

One of my friends' daughters has hearing aids (they're similar to the ones old people use, but with an extra piece on them? They're not the ones that are attached to your head.). If someone is bothering her and she doesn't want to deal with them, she pulls her hearing aids out and keeps doing whatever she was doing.

This girl is eight.

partofbreakfast

H/T: Reddit

Flash Forward

Had a friend walk up to a girl at a party and say "you are the hottest girl here and I am the best looking guy. We belong together." He took her home and they are married now. She was the hottest girl there, it's debatable on him.

Tratopolous

Tips Please

Was at a Mexican restaurant on Cinco de Mayo. Place was absolutely packed, yet somehow there were only like 2, maybe 3 waiters on staff. We'd been there like 40 minutes and had drinks, but still hadn't gotten to order food.

This dude at the next table stands up, starts taking peoples orders and delivering them to the kitchen. The other waiters seemed liked they really appreciated it, because people were starting to get pissed until that point. He didn't take my table's order but he took one nearby and he sounded pretty fun. A friend ran into him a few months ago and said he's really cool.

bcrabill

The restaurant made the power play here. They made their service so bad that they managed to get a free server

smits017

Patience

I was at a 24hr grocery store once around 10 or 11pm. I'm 2nd in line waiting at the only cash register in the store, and there were no employees to be seen. Not even the stock team. We ring the bell for service, yell out "HELLOOOO," even walk around looking for an employee... nothing.

Finally after 10ish minutes the guy in front of me says "f--- this" and just walks out with a full cart of groceries. Got away with the whole thing! An employee showed up not even a minute later and no one in line said a word.

sazzcass

And if the cashier dies in the middle of your transaction you get free groceries for the semester.

ohne_hosen

Shipwreck

I was once on a US military ship, having breakfast in the wardroom (officers lounge) when the Operations Officer (OPS) walks in. This guy was the definition of NOT a morning person; he's still half asleep, bleary eyed... basically a zombie with a bagel. He sits down across from me to eat his bagel and is just barely conscious. My back is to the outboard side of the ship, and the morning sun is blazing in one of the portholes putting a big bright-ass circle of light right on his barely conscious face. He's squinting and chewing and basically just remembering how to be alive for today. It's painful to watch.

But then zombie-OPS stops chewing, slowly picks up the phone, and dials the bridge. In his well-known I'm-still-totally-asleep voice, he says "heeeey. It's OPS. Could you... shift our barpat... yeah, one six five. Thanks." And puts the phone down. And then he just sits there. Squinting. Waiting.

And then, ever so slowly, I realize that that big blazing spot of sun has begun to slide off the zombie's face and onto the wall behind him. After a moment it clears his face and he blinks slowly a few times and the brilliant beauty of what I've just witnessed begins to overwhelm me. By ordering the bridge to adjust the ship's back-and-forth patrol by about 15 degrees, he's changed our course just enough to reposition the sun off of his face. He's literally just redirected thousands of tons of steel and hundreds of people so that he could get the sun out of his eyes while he eats his bagel. I am in awe.

He slowly picks up his bagel and for a moment I'm terrified at the thought that his own genius may escape him, that he may never appreciate the epic brilliance of his laziness (since he's not going to wake up for another hour). But between his next bites he pauses, looks at me, and gives me the faintest, sly grin, before returning to gnaw slowly on his zombie bagel.

Jtt7987