Everyone's needs and "love languages" are different and some openly make the decision not to make gift-giving a big part of their relationship with their spouse.
But for every new parent out there, all would agree: a little recognition for their hard work, particularly in the first year with a newborn, goes a long way.
Take this new mom, for example, who was preparing for her first Mother's Day.
Reddit user "well-f**k-me-this-mo" agreed with her husband that she didn't need anything lavish for Mother's Day, but her husband's reaction to this was more than surprising.
The new mom posted her Mother's Day story on the "Am I the A$hole?" subReddit, curious to know who was in the wrong in this situation.
She started off by explaining her expectations for the day.
"So it's my first Mother's Day. When my husband asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day, I had said something simple like a potted orchid and a card. We live on a budget and are not ones for extravagance. He said ok I can do that."
But what seemed like a simple plan soon began to unravel.
"The place that has the orchid is right by our house. I told him exactly where it was he came back from the store without it, saying I couldn't find it. I go to the store, find it and because they only had a few left, I buy it for myself."
But not only did she buy the orchid for herself, she also bought a Mother's Day gift for someone else.
"I had already gotten a gift for his mother, a one of a kind piece of home decor and upon getting, asked my husband do you think your mom would like this for Mother's Day? He answered yes, I think she would like it."
"Yesterday his mom said she didn't want anything, to which I replied well we already got you something, she got very excited and I in turn matched her excitement, it felt good to bring her some joy."
"When we got off the phone he said let's get her something for her instead of for the house, and I said yea that sounds like a good idea. We look online for a present, a top stating her new status as a gma or jewellery."
Then the situation got more complicated.
"We end up settling on a door knocker. Today rolls around and H says he found another one he felt she would like better it's a bit more expensive. I say, that's not a big deal It then dawns on me and my next question was 'I thought you didn't want to get her something for the house?'"
"He replied 'Honestly I didn't think she would like what you got her. Then you told her we got her something so now we have to.'"
"'Well then why did you say she would like it if that wasn't the case?'"
"[He replied,] 'Because I didn't want to hurt your feelings.'"
"'Well it hurts my feelings that you lied to me and that you're doing all of this for your mother but haven't done anything for me.'"
"His response 'Well she's my mom and she birthed me, you didn't. Besides you already bought yourself the orchid so there goes my gift idea.'"
The turn in the conversation surprised this Reddit user and left her with all kinds of emotions.
"That f**king sent me through the roof! My response 'fine we won't f**king celebrate Mother's Day.' After calming down I told him this hurt my feelings that it wasn't about the gift, it's the fact that he didn't put any effort into anything like making breakfast or planning anything for the day."
"He replied I thought about making breakfast but we didn't have anything in. I walked out of the room upset because we live near three grocery stores."
"Considering everything I have done for our family. The getting up with our child every night since birth while he sleeps because he works the next day, making sure the house is clean, dinners are made, clothes washed, I felt that at least today would be a little bit special."
"I have been intermittently crying all day. He says that the day didn't have to be like this and that I've made it this way."
"So Reddit am I the a$hole for being upset that my husband wanted to make today special for his mom but didn't put any effort into making this day remotely special for me?"
Her fellow Reddit users were quick to come to the rescue, supporting her and sharing their views on what the day signified about her relationship with her husband.
Some simply stated that she was not being a jerk for expecting more out of the day and that her husband could have easily done more to make the day special for each of the mothers in his life.
"OP's first Mother's Day and the husband went out of his way to show his mom she's the main priority." - Mystery_Substance
"I guess he didn't get the memo that his wife is now a Mom and their baby can't buy her a card." - akatherder
But others viewed the story as more of a red flag, suggesting he didn't value her as a mother, and even seeing signs of gaslighting.
"NTA at all. 'She birthed me, you didn't' yeah, but you birthed his child. Look after him, and from what it sounds like, take on most of the child rearing duties. He absolutely did not put any effort in to anything for you, for this day that was also meant to be special for you. This would be so upsetting to me if this was my partner. Your partner is absolutely a lazy a$hole." - ohmygodtiffany
"Honestly I'm petty, so if I was in this situation I would just only do work around the house for me and the child. She does all this extra work around the house and takes on the mental load just for her husband to expect it all to happen (without recognition or gratitude). Don't do his laundry, only cook for herself and the child, only buy groceries for her and the child. But I'm petty so unless OP wants to be petty this isn't good advice lmao. NTA" - LaurelEllena
"Agreed. NTA. My SO is a mother and isn't super into mother's day either, but we still do stuff."
"A small gift, Flowers, and a favorite meal that she doesn't have to cook or clean for. It takes such a tiny amount of effort to show we appreciate her."
"Husband is a lazy, dumb a$hole if he couldn't even figure out how to get an orchid. Can't find it? Ask the staff. Store is out? Google another store near by. How does Husband get through daily life if he can't solve such a simple problem? We are talking less than an hour for the flower, and maybe another hour for the meal. 2 hours out of the year is a small ask." - bernyzilla
"'He says the day didnt have to be like this and that I've made it this way'"
"Girl. GIRL. Instead of apologizing for hurting you, he turns the blame on you. That's gaslighting love. You do whatever you want but you're NTA and deserve better than him." - Kaylycat
No matter how serious the situation is, the day that is important to so many mothers and women could have been handled better. Especially with so many stores nearby, it sounds like he had the resources to make it happen.
Hopefully after receiving so much feedback, this mom will have new confidence to talk to her husband about any issues they're having and come to some sort of conclusion.
The book I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships is available here.
@mmpadellan/X
