Twitter-user Hannah Priest suggested that the Tim Allen Christmas fantasy family movie from 1994, The Santa Clause, is actually "the most horrific film" on an epic Twitter rant.
The writer of medieval and contemporary pop culture asked followers this question before launching into her argument.
Here's a little festive question for you... what is the most stone-cold brutal, horrific Christmas film ever made?— Hannah Priest (@Hannah Priest) 1513894900.0
Good guesses from everyone, but pull up a chair for a truly seasonal hot take. The most horrific Christmas film (or… https://t.co/GYEZOeSAdF— Hannah Priest (@Hannah Priest) 1513896376.0
The film that spawned a trilogy had a good-intentioned premise. Scott Calvin, played by Allen, inadvertently disables Saint Nick by causing him to fall off the roof on Christmas Eve. So instead of Christmas expiring over the folly, Calvin and his son Charlie finish Santa's delivery route for him, and upon winding up at the North Pole, the family man is officially appointed as the new Father Christmas. Cute, right?
Priest, however, saw through the film's jolly veneer. "I'm not talking about what happens to Scott Calvin & his transformation into Santa. Or the fact that SCII belongs to the 'Santa Finds a Wife' subgenre, which is always creepy as hell," she wrote.
Priest reminds us of Calvin's transformation, but that's not the creepy part. "To recap, when Santa falls off his roof, Scott Calvin puts on his suit & instantly becomes the new Santa. It's all fun & frolics, and the elves explain that this is the Santa 'clause'."
"The creepiness begins early on, because the roof-Santa actually dies on screen (quite slowly) and that's the only reason Scott can take on the role," she tweeted.
Priest noticed that the denizens of the North Pole respond to the death of Saint Nick with an icy and dismissive reception.
She continued, "None of the elves at the North Pole mourn the dead Santa. Bernard just refers to him as 'the other Santa' and shrugs it off. They just cold-heartedly accept that roof-Santa is gone, and now they work with Scott. It's not just humans though. Elves disappear after hundreds of years, and NO ONE cares."
Not everyone was on board with Priest's take on the movie.
@shewolfmanc Annnnd this is where you lost me— Aaron Sch•i•lb (@Aaron Sch•i•lb) 1513966893.0
@shewolfmanc I hope you stretched before you tried reaching so far.— happy (@happy) 1513957848.0
But the terror isn't exclusive to the first installment of The Santa Clause. It plagues the sequels as well.
In SCI, Judy says she's spent the last 1200 years perfecting her cocoa recipe. But she's no where to be seen in SCI… https://t.co/XjYXXQpFtF— Hannah Priest (@Hannah Priest) 1513897282.0
And let's take a minute to consider Bernard. He's a huge part of SCI & SCII, but he's just... absent in SCIII. Curt… https://t.co/p5Kq1S6Yuk— Hannah Priest (@Hannah Priest) 1513897392.0
Priest is only getting started. "In SCII, Curtis & Bernard discover the 'Missus Clause,' which dictates that Santa must be married. They'd never heard of this before & the Council of Legendary Figures also know nothing about it."
According to the character of Curtis, the efl known zilch about this mysterious clause after working with Santas for over 900 years.
The obvious (and chilling) implication of this is that ALL previous Santas were married at the point when they donn… https://t.co/8dRPcQMOE0— Hannah Priest (@Hannah Priest) 1513897660.0
So... where are the wives?? Dear God, WHAT HAPPENS TO THE WIVES??— Hannah Priest (@Hannah Priest) 1513897721.0
Priest talks about the "Hall of Snow Globes" from The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, where the room holds 50-60 globes representing the lives of Santas past. "60 Santas over the history of Christmas means that the average life expectancy for a Santa is just over 33 years. Some of them will have lived at the North Pole for much longer."
And here's s bizarre mystery revealed in Santa Clause 3. In this universe, Santas are fertile.
So where are the babies? Where are the wives? There are potentially 60 women unaccounted for in this film series, a… https://t.co/Qpa0DEXOg2— Hannah Priest (@Hannah Priest) 1513898123.0
Here's a nightmare-inducing implication.
I think there's a clear hint, though, in SCIII. To quote Bud Newman, on entering the elves' kitchen: 'How come the… https://t.co/DdI7G3ucBR— Hannah Priest (@Hannah Priest) 1513898279.0
Why would the elves need a massive oven? Santa delivers toys, not baked goods. Now think about how wryly the elves… https://t.co/tqJvFNHFfK— Hannah Priest (@Hannah Priest) 1513898469.0
The elves are clearly baking women (& possibly children) in their oven, then using the bodies to make ceremonial co… https://t.co/gs0EnMEjXY— Hannah Priest (@Hannah Priest) 1513898606.0
@shewolfmanc This theory took a hard turn into sweeney todd territory.— Emp In The New Year (@Emp In The New Year) 1513919157.0
Could another sequel be far behind?
@shewolfmanc SC4. The many Ghosts of Mrs. Claus ....and they aren't Merry.....— Jamie Bryant (@Jamie Bryant) 1513948904.0
People admired Priest's imagination.
@shewolfmanc Hahaha that's great, I'll never watch these films the same again. I did always wonder why it was so ea… https://t.co/DPqBLQHOSf— Matthew Anderson (@Matthew Anderson) 1513931220.0
@shewolfmanc I admire your writing and praise your story for sure. However this escalated very very fucking quickly— Jim Morrison (@Jim Morrison) 1513921589.0
@shewolfmanc I love how much thought you put into this. Made my day.— Matt (@Matt) 1513960975.0
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