When a relationship fails to last, many individuals fixate on blaming an ex instead of examining their own sabotaging behavior that led to its demise.
Speaking of destructive behavior in relationships, the reason for a breakup isn't always complicated but they're not trivial either.
The usual suspect catalysts that contribute to love's demise are always conveniently glossed over when they shouldn't be.
Strangers weighed in with their past romantic exploits when Redditor udnagag asked:
"What was your simple common mistake that entirely ruined your relationship?"
Hindsight is 20/20.
Accentuate The Positive
"Focusing on all of the things they aren’t giving you instead all of the things they do give you. (I’m in a happy marriage, but I did used to do this. I became happier, and our marriage became stronger when I stopped)"
– ChainIll6447
"The 80/20 rule. You’re receiving 80% of what you want but choosing to focus on the 20% you don’t have. If you were to say, find someone who is doing the 20% you lack and break up with the 80% person. You’ll find out you are getting the 20%, but only 20%."
– Miss_thinkalot
Oversharing
"Telling my friends about all of our fights."
– alliereev
"x100. My wife actually taught me this. The fight will be over, but now you have friends are not only keeping a bias opinion of your spouse, but it's like you are showing them a side of your partner that isn't normally a thing, but they can now think less of your relationship."
– VermicelliJealous949
"I used to keep it 100% private, and that allowed my ex to be emotionally abusive while everyone thought he was an angel. I think you just need to be measured, look at it from both points of view, and say the good that they do as well as the bad."
– aggibridges
"Oversharing. I know that with your partner you should be able to talk about everything. But sometimes I should kept my mouth shut."
– pepan8
Wake Up Call
"Took a nap one day, she thought I was cheating. Big blowup argument I found out she was cheating on me 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️"
– Aangs-correlation756
"My ex always suspected me of cheating. It was profoundly hurtful. She'd question where I was, or nitpick small details of stories to see if something didn't add up. The worst part is, there was no evidence."
"She didn't have someone in mind who I was cheating on her with, or place I went to, or a time that was unaccounted for. There is something intimately critical about having the person closest to you say they know you cheated on them, not because they have evidence, but because they just know you."
"Turns out the first time we hooked up, she was still with her current BF."
– DigNitty
Being Neglectful
"Not spending quality time together. Those were the times that I was so drained by my job that I don't even had the energy to do my skincare. All I wanted to do is to sleep after a very tiring day. I'm a sleepyhead btw."
"We rarely meet each other. I feel bad every time I wasn't able to meet him. 'If she wants to, she will.' is easier to be said than done. Until one day, he fell out of love."
– Upbeat_Preference423
Everything Is Not An Issue
"I’ve tanked a lot of relationships by thinking everything needed to be fixed. I almost did it in the one I’m in. He’s in a bad mood, he’s being snappy with me, we need to fix this, I need to sit down and have a heart to heart, I need to COMMUNICATE that he’s hurting my feelings right now. I’m overly therapeutic and really thought this was the best way to handle everything."
"My current SO and I went through a lot of therapy apart and together ironically to work on this because, with him, this is what happens. He gets angry and stews and stews and will never bring the thing up to me until I coax it out of him. The suggested way to handle this was, surprisingly, less communication."
"I feel like we’re in a better place when he can be acting like a total reactive jerk and instead of being like 'have I upset you? I must have because you’re treating me really weirdly and you’re in an awful mood. I just want to get to the bottom of this!!'"
"I can be like 'You’re vibe is positively a**, you need to take a nap or something. If I did something to upset you that’s making you act like this, I’ll be open to talk about it later today, but right now, I think we’re both just annoyed. I’m gonna go do the rest of my day alone, I hope you feel better.'”
"Then I get home and it’s 50/50 'yeah I’m sorry, you did this thing last week that really upset me and I’ve taken time to think about how I want to address it calmly' and 'Yeah, I have no idea what that was about, I think I didn’t get enough breakfast and it made me moody. I’m glad you had a good day after that!' but either way, we’re both totally calm by the time we talk about it."
– relentpersist
These Redditors admitted their learning experiences.
Making Sacrifices
"Accommodation to avoid any conflict. At the time I was working through a lot of childhood trauma and I didn't know better, now I do. I lost my identity trying endlessly to please him so he wouldn't abandon me, but he was going to do that anyway."
"You can't and shouldn't have to earn love from people, and them betraying and disrespecting you is a cue to exit, not a sign to 'try harder.'"
– Cheese_whizkid
"Yup. I will never, ever beg someone to love me again. It may have taken me years to realize I deserve better than how I've been treated--but I did get there eventually."
– cloistered_around
Red Flag
"Not immidiately stopping the wedding when he said 'Once we're married, the mask comes off.' I stupidly assumed it was a joke."
– Teacher_Crazy_
"Yeah. We even made it through the pandemic together, so, like, it's a mindf*ck. I think I like the personas people project a lot more than who they really are."
– Teacher_Crazy_
"I mean, who wouldn't assume that it's a joke? Real people aren't supposed to say this kind of sh*t. And the disconnect between 'We're about to get married' and the fact that they just said that - I think I wouldn't have stopped the wedding either because who is prepared for that level of psycho?"
"Don't blame yourself."
– MatchaBauble
Talk It Out
"Lack of communication, he never told me about what he thought or how he feels about our relationship. Those feelings just compounded over time until he ultimately called it quits."
"I wish he talked to me, we could've figured it out together. I was always in the dark and didn't even see the break up coming. Hurts, but I think it was just meant to be."
"Communicate with your partner, be transparent. Helps both parties."
– Huge-Resource5085
"Always amazes me how so many people would rather shut down and check out in relationships rather than have a conversation that could help move things in a positive direction."
"I look at my partner and how he always chooses to retract into his own sad world where he numbs himself with porn and social media to the point of no return to any semblance of meaningful connection, even when I reached out so many times to check in he willingly chose to check out it's almost like he was afraid to talk about his feelings and never was given a safe platform to ever freely express his emotions."
"I blame his mom she has the emotional range of a used Swiffer pad, dusty, dry and possessing zero emotional range."
– Mysterea_Wisterea
"Trying to communicate with someone who couldn’t receive or recognize healthy communication, and then not ending things as soon as he turned resentful and cold towards me, but foolishly thinking that somehow we could communicate as to why he was suddenly treating me poorly."
"Even if you create a safe space for communication, if the other person isn’t willing to do so, it’s pointless. It’s silly now to think that “I ruined the relationship” for being open and transparent. 🤷♀️"
– Just-Cup5542
One-Sided Effort
"Doing too f'king much, and getting nothing in return."
"I did this grown mand laundry, I cooked, I cleaned, I bathed the animals, he did f'k all except cheat on me."
"When I asked why he didn't leave because, clearly, he didn't love me. He said 'I just loved having someone to come home to."
"Now in happily married and we just had our daughter. He still stalks me on social media, I'm sure because he had a million burner accounts and I couldn't possibly remember the names for all of them to block them."
– OkWorry2131
No one ever said relationships were easy.
But you have to do the hard work and have the difficult conversations if the love of your life is worth fighting for.