an Oh Myyy Property

Both of my parents are ministers, so I grew up going to church several times a week. I've been convinced I was going to hell for, like, forever. I've never really done anything terrible, but I've certainly got a dark sense of humor. Maybe that's why I couldn't help clicking when I saw this Reddit question:


Reddit user u/AmbientBananas asked, "People without shame, what was your biggest "I just booked my one way pass to hell" moment?"

I'm suddenly not feeling so bad about the time I couldn't help cracking up at my friend's grannies funeral. Trust me, these people have done WAY worse.


Grandma's Socks

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My son was in Grade 1, and liked to wear pink socks. While I was waiting to pick him up, one of his little friends comes by. "Do you know {your son} wears pink socks? Like a girl!!"

I replied "His grandmother gave him those socks, because she loves him very much." Then I cocked my head and made eye contact. "Doesn't YOUR grandmother give YOU socks?"

He muttered "No". I said "Huh" and looked at him with deep pity. Then walked away.

Wheelchair

The police busted a party I was throwing and I answered the door in a wheelchair to make the officers feel uncomfortable enough to not enter the house. My legs work fine.

I had every intention of spilling out of the chair onto the ground and pretending I couldn't walk and didn't need the officers help getting back into my seat if he tried to enter the house. In theory, it would have given my friends enough time to get rid of anything illegal we may have had in the house at the time. So there.

For everyone asking where I got the wheelchair, one of my roommates worked at an old folks home that was getting rid of a couple of them and she was asked to take them to the dump. My other two roommates and I convinced her to let us keep them instead and we used them as porch chairs and for drunken downhill races.

Zombie Bite

Not me but my Mum. It was Halloween and she opened the door to a couple of little kids trick or treating. The kids were dressed up really good all covered in fake blood and stuff, so my Mum says something like "wowwww you look so scary!". She then notices one of the kids has his arm tucked into his shirt so she yells "WOAH WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ARM? DID A ZOMBIE BITE IT OFF?!". The kid starts crying, my Mum then realizes that he legitimately only has one arm... so she just silently shuts the door on them and was absolutely mortified.

Religious Torture Porn Is Hilarious

Went with my whole (very catholic) family, including grandma, to see The Passion of the Christ. My brother and I were both a little fidgety and bored for most of it. That was NOT the attitude of anyone else in this particular theater.

For those who haven't seen it (SPOILER ALERT) Jesus dies, and is put in a tomb. The screen fades to black.

The women behind us start clapping. Frantic excited clapping.

And then the scene fades back in, and there is another whole two minutes to the movie, making it seem like the women were applauding the death of Jesus, and not the film itself.

My brother (loudly) whispers to me "Well, they are going to hell!"

I could not stop laughing. Tears running down my face, cannot catch my breath, snorting, barking laughter. AND THEN THE MOVIE ENDED.

The lights come up in the theater, and I look like I am LAUGHING at the religious torture we just sat through.

Looks like it is me that's going to hell.

"Can't Bear It"

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My friend has a giant bear stuffed animal thats basically with her at all times in her dorm room. She went to an exam one day and my friend hung the bear from the ceiling in her dorm room. She came back from her exam all upset bc she didn't do that well and came back to her dorm room to that.... yeah he's going to hell

Oh and there was a note on the bear that said, "idk about you but i just couldn't bear it anymore"

Slipped On The Ice

It was a cold Winter day, and it was my 2nd time circling the block looking for a parking space on the street.

On the icy sidewalk, I see an elderly woman who is easily in her 90's. She slips on the ice and falls hard on her back right beside me at the same time a car 10 metres away pulls out.

She made direct eye contact with me, lying in the snow.

I mouthed "I'm sorry..." and pulled ahead into the available spot.

By the time I ran back to help, there were 2 other people assisting and she didn't look like she wanted me there anyway at that point.

Eye Contact

Well this was while I was working as an electrician. I was driving my service truck into a back alley and saw a bunch of young kids. One of them makes eye contact and for whatever reason I just maintained it as I drove by dimly aware of running over something small. Then after I passed I realized I ran over his bike. I looked the kid straight in the eye while I crushed what I assume is only means transportation.

I didn't stop. I was late for a service call.

High School Awkward

An older friend of mine announced to our group that his grandfather had just died. He wasn't particularly upset since they'd seen it coming for some time, but that doesn't excuse my next comment: "Haha, you probably killed him didn't you?"

I... I don't know what I was thinking. I was in my mid teenage years and was always trying to be the class clown, but that- that is just inexcusable. And only after the other 3-4 people in the room gasped and stared at me did I realize the cosmic idiocy of what I'd just said. I slapped my hands over my mouth and apologized profusely. Luckily the guy understood I was just being an awkward high school idiot and said it was fine. We're still in touch to this day.

Eating Tree Bark

I slammed a mentally disabled kid into a pine tree, face first, and held him there until the cops showed up.

We caught him climbing out of my parent's bedroom window when we got home... He tried to run, he wound up eating tree bark.

Turns out that not only was the kid mentally disabled, but he had a crush on my baby sister, and broke in to, in his words: "Wait for her to get home."

Wtf.

To top it off, dude was the younger brother of my first high school sweetheart. We had broken up several years before the kid broke in.

Holy Water

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Late to the thread, but my best friend and I once stole holy water from a Catholic Church to put in our bong to smoke out of. I swear we got higher.

"Walking Like An Idiot"

Details: Was camping with friends and came into town to grab socks because I only brought 3 pairs and they had gotten wet. Went to Walmart and straight to the bathroom in the back of the store. Someone had TRASHED the small stall, so I went in the big one. I had eaten nothing but cliff bars for like 3 days and i was prettt stopped up. It hurt and I was in tears pushing out what felt like a small child.

Queue electric wheelchair. It's red. I see it roll up to the stall. He jiggles the door, sighs and grunts, then backs in neatly near the trash can to wait it out. Im frozen. What do I do?! Do I tell him sorry, it's gonna be a minute? I don't know! So I stay there, silently crying, until im done. I took 10 minutes to wipe, trying to be a quiet as possible. His caretaker comes in and goes "oh someone's in there?" Wheelchair guy grunts. 5 min later, he leaves and, presumably, goes to the other bathroom.

Finally, I open the stall, wash my hands, and pretend to have cerebral palsy or something as I walk out. He sees me. Wheelchair guy knows. Then, my friends see me and ask why I'm walking like an idiot, in front of him. My heart sank that day.

One Leg, No Prosthetic

I was riding passenger in someone's car and saw a rather heavy set man riding his bike up the hill and was struggling greatly to do so. (I was 15 btw- I swear I'm not a POS anymore) and said "Wowww, he's sure having a hard time today, too many cheeseburgers??" And stared at the driver like I was expecting them to laugh. We both look over, and the guy has one fucking leg. No prosthetic. He was biking uphill with one goddamn leg. Driver just stared at me and shook his head and said "Good job as$hole, you just made a fat joke at a cripple."

I'm not sure which is worse, but it is safe to say I'll never mock someone like that again.

I felt like such a bastard.

I Was Tired

Driving in a snowstorm I pull up to a red light and notice a car skidded off into the ditch. The guy is standing there on the side of the road staring right at me probably wanting me to help (it was late at night and no other cars on the road). The light turned green and I drove off, I was tired and wanted to sleep, hopefully he was okay!

Bongos At A Funeral

My good friend passed away in high school. We were encouraged to go to a church for a prayer session a couple days after he died. A few of my friends and I were sitting in one of the pews when one of them pointed out that this guy on stage was absolutely getting after it on the bongos which did not fit the mood at all. I was laughing so hard I was crying. I then had a handful of people walk up to me and hug me because they thought I was crying from sadness and not from laughter. Felt bad but I know my friend would have saw the humor in it.

Bike Lock

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When I was 21, we were at a house party and I locked a bike lock around a passed out guy's neck downstairs that everyone knew used to beat up his girlfriends. When we left, I threw the keys in a bush about three blocks down the road. Nobody knew I did it, and I didn't tell anyone for years. I have no idea how he got it off. For all I know, he's still walking around with it on, 13 years later.

New Hobby Lobby Hobby

Me and my husband, both dudes, specifically go to Hobby Lobby to make out in secluded aisles.

Imaginary Friend

I was working on a group project in college and we were having trouble coming up with a time we could all do with classes and work schedules. At one point a day is mentioned where myself and a second person in the group days we'd prefer not because we have standing friend groups that meet on that day and didn't want to give it up for a series of weeks for the project. Most people were cool, but this one girl starts laying this huge guilt trip about how we suck for prioritizing friends over grades and we should just cancel on our friends.

We toss times around a bit longer and come up with late Sunday morning, except the uptight chick from before who says Sundays are out because she does stuff for her church all day and it's her day for God. I was being mouthy and replied, "Well shit, if you're gonna chill with your imaginary friend all day you certainly can't get on us about hanging out with people that are real!"

She didn't think it was funny.... Most of the rest of the group had to hide a laugh though.

Blackmail

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When I was in high school I asked for blackmail money from a friend's mom because I caught her cheating on her husband. I won't go too much into details but I had proof too and I thought I was edgy as fuck. Got 500$ out of it and I would occasionally tell her "I need 100$ by Friday or I'm showing (friends name) the pictures."

I was like 15 when I did that, I still can't believe I did it. And no, I never spilled the beans, but I still have the emails/pictures etc.

I also hacked this one guy's Facebook that used to bully me and got him in some real shit too. No one would ever suspect me of these things either.

H/T: Reddit

@RepKatiePorter/Twitter, @SecretaryCarson/Twitter

No, this isn't an Onion article.

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