Oh mom, at it again. We grew up hearing these things on a daily basis. And only once or twice did we want to rip our own skins off!
Here were some of the snappy answers.
English is my mom's second language, so instead of saying "It's my way or the highway" my mom says "My way is the highway."
This Is Not A Democracy
Flouncing in from whatever excursion she was just on
"Any calls from my fan club?"
My brother and I are fist fighting to the death and tattling on one another
"Hit him back" (while casually flipping the page in her tabloid trash mag)
Something is unfair, children tell her they think so
"Thanks for sharing your opinion. I don't care."
F*cking love my mom.
"Are you drinking enough water?"
Headache? Drink more water. Upset stomach? Drink water. Bad grades? You need more water. Bone protruding from your knee? Drink some water, you'll be fine.
She runs through each of the kids' names before she gets to the one she actually wants to call.
"Finesse, not force"
I have to admit over the years it's helped me step back and take a breath before I end up breaking something to sh*t in frustration.
You Tried ItGiphy
"Big boy at night, big boy in the morning"
Would be said when I was trying to skip church by sleeping in after I had been out prowling late the night before.
Here are a few nuggets:
"You gotta plan your work and work your plan!" - she watches too much Dr Phil I think
"I'll slap them into next Tuesday!" - anytime someone gives her flack
"I had to give up smoking and drinking for four months while pregnant with you!" She's never smoked and doesn't really drink :)
And finally, for nostalgia... Everytime she would take me out shopping when I was young, we'd get back in the car to drive home and she'd look at me and exclaim, "We did good, bubby!"
Work For What You Deserve
She has so many, and I dunno why this is the one that comes up first in my mind, but she always says "if you can't open it, you don't deserve it." This phrase (which sounds a bit more whimsical in the original Serbian) goes for everything from bags of chips to those plastic packages school supplies come in. She shows no mercy when something's really hard to unwrap or pry apart.
I have subsequently gotten very good at opening hard-to-open things, and am now the go-to pickle jar guy.
When something bad happens to me, she'll always try to correlate it to something unrelated.
e.g "You're sick? Probably because you spend so much time on your phone."
e.g "You scored badly for your tests? That's god showing you that you haven't been faithful to your parents."
I could go on but you get the drift.
Beaten By The Search
When looking for something mom told us to find, and we either legitimately couldn't find it, or we were being lazy: "If I find it, I'm going to beat you with it."
We had a good childhood, though.