Choosing whether or not to have a child is one of the most difficult choices a couple can make. But it's an especially heavy decision for gay men and lesbians, because the process is never easy. They can either adopt or have a baby via surrogacy. But both choices can be prohibitively expensive. And for lesbians, there's always the question of which one of them wants to or even can get pregnant.
(Let's not forget that pregnancies can be very complex and that women should not be shamed for balking at the process, which can subject their bodies to all sorts of physiological and psychological changes.)
Women (and others!) shared their stories after Redditor DarkCommanderAJ asked the online community,
"Lesbian parents of Reddit: How did you decide who would get pregnant?"
"My wife and I..."
"My wife and I are good friends with a lesbian couple who had one carry the baby while they used the other's egg. Since one carried and the other is genetically the mother they each have a special attachment to the baby. I thought it was really neat."
That's awesome! So personal and beautiful.
"Usually..."
"I work with a lot of lesbian families. Usually, one might have a stronger desire to bear children so that is the one who does. Sometimes both do, so they may each bear a child. Sometimes it's about genetics and someone with a condition or predisposition may ask the other to bear any children. Sometimes none want to bear children so they adopt, foster, surrogate. It's usually just an honest conversation about who may want to give birth if anyone."
"My friends..."
"My friends decided based on who had the best maternity leave package. Practical!"
Sounds like they might live in the United States. Taking a wild guess...
"I asked her..."
"A good friend from college is married with a kid on the way. I asked her and she said it came down to genetics - my friend's wife is BRCA positive (the breast cancer gene), so they agreed my friend should be the biological mother to prevent their kid from having to worry about it."
A practical decision and a completely understandable one. These considerations save time, money, and pain in the end.
"That's how they decided."
"My lesbian parents tell the story of how they were shopping one day and my birth mom broke down in tears at the sight of baby clothes. That's how they decided."
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That might do it. Those baby clothes are out to get you!
"Originally..."
"My wife carried both of our two children. Originally, the plan was to carry one each, and I started trying a year after she had our first child. I tried for 18 months and wasn't successful, and we really didn't want a big age gap between our kids, so she tried again - was pregnant on her second attempt.
Honestly, I'm a little disappointed, and a little regretful that we didn't try harder to figure out how to make it happen for me. That being said, we have two healthy, happy kids that I love more than anything, so I wouldn't change a thing.
We were also able to use the same donor for both kids, so they're fully biological siblings. We are also part of an online group of other families who used the donor, so we can share photos of the kids (and make sure no one brings a sibling home one day lol). There are almost 20 of them now, which is cool!"
"I was a donor..."
"I was a donor for a coworker and her wife. They went based on who had the better insurance/benefits. Our job had s*** benefits and her wife was a teacher with state benefits and such."
"Easy solution for us."
"We haven't had a kid yet, but we plan to in around 5-7 years. My fiancee is having the baby because I am terrified of giving birth and she wants the experience. Easy solution for us."
"It was easy..."
"My partner (we are both females) went through IUI treatment today! How did we pick? It was easy, there was not a bone in my body that wanted to experience carrying a child. She is 34, I am 32. So, pretty simple decision for us personally."
Pregnancy can be very scary for a lot of women––it's wonderful to know that couples are having these conversations while creating families of their own!
Have some stories of your own? Feel free to tell us in the comments below!
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Jane Rosenberg
Jane Rosenberg
@arianagrande/Instagram
@arianagrande/Instagram