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Peanut butter is as close to manna from heaven as we're likely to get in this world of raging wars, genocide, extensive human rights violations and Logan Paul videos.
As such, it should––much like the shrine to George Washington Carver that the government should mandate in every home––be stored properly.
(Note: If you're allergic, you are exempt. If you just don't like it, to Room 101 you'll go!)
Sad news, dear readers: We've been storing peanut butter the wrong way. We will never be able to outrun our guilt.
According to a report from Delish.com––can you tell I'm totally taking the team at Delish seriously?––we should be ashamed.
We quite literally need to turn the world of peanut butter upside down:
"If you're as deeply invested in the life of peanut butter as I am, you know that when you have a jar of natural PB, it develops a little pool of oil on the top. Which is when the churning and twisting (in a very dramatic way) is necessary, in order to happily consume oil-free PB."
"But, when you store the good stuff upside down, the oil will evenly distribute throughout the entire jar, instead of in a stagnant liquid bath on top."
"Another way to ensure that oil stops pooling at the top? Refrigerate the stuff upside down. Not only will you not have to deal with a liquid-y, nut butter-y mess when you fervently open your jar, but you'll also have a creamier peanut butter that'll hold its own against whatever it is you're pairing it with."
How could we have been so foolish, so unrepentantly cruel to each creamy (or crunchy, take your pick), glorious, decadent glob?
Fortunately for us, social media has allowed us to document this most heinous crime for quite awhile. The "laws"––new to so many of us––had, much like jaywalking or colluding with foreign operatives, had just never been enforced.
How did we never think of this?! https://t.co/7S56QsjWdm— Men's Health Mag (@Men's Health Mag) 1548278801.0
Dear @FBI, My roommate is storing peanut butter in the fridge. I’d like to know when you will arrive to arrest him. https://t.co/f3zVN4lXv4— Matt Johnson (@Matt Johnson) 1518500695.0
Why you should start storing your peanut butter upside down https://t.co/UwKCO7mWnh— Business Insider (@Business Insider) 1527869042.0
Ah! More proof that @Pics_PB is quality peanut butter 💛 Great tip re storing jars upside down, at least until they… https://t.co/9uDSrgMu8d— Janna (@Janna) 1502686065.0
Storing peanut butter in the fridge is a quiet form of domestic terrorism, and it must be defeated.— Charlotte Clymer🏳️🌈 (@Charlotte Clymer🏳️🌈) 1470282762.0
Tip: Once you open a jar of natural-style peanut butter, stir together the separated ingredients before storing in the refrigerator.— Food Network (@Food Network) 1357589753.0
Everyone here is guilty, yes, but to quote the great Celeste Talbert, they're merely "guilty of love––in the first degree."
Go easy on them.
(Nah, just throw them into the bloody pit.)