One of the ironies of this social distancing and self-isolation is that despite being cooped up in the places we call home, we all seem to be having tons of new experiences.
For one guy on Reddit, though, this new wave of self-isolation novelty took a more man-vs-nature turn.
He found himself engaged in an epic battle with the dreaded wasp and, well... let's just say the wasp won.
The story, comes to us from Redditor dps15, who posted his story in the TIFU (Today I Fuc*ed Up) subreddit, and is a cautionary tale about striking while the iron is hot.
The title says it all: "TIFU by not killing a wasp when I had the chance."
Our fair Redditor is an outdoorsy type, but has never been stung by a wasp or bee of any kind. So imagine his surprise when, during a bathroom visit one morning, he spies a wasp buzzing around his shower curtain.
Being a newbie to the world of stings, dps15 was taking no chances.
"I immediately noped out of there and begin brainstorming how to kill this bastard."
sea creature running GIFGiphy
And what dps15 planned was an all-out war.
Right down to full battle armor—or, well, kind of...
"I then spend the next 20 minutes putting on multiple layers of clothing, 2 pairs of socks going on top of my pants, 2 sweatshirts, sweatpants, a shirt around my head and face 'turban' style, a beanie, winter gloves...you get the point. I was impenetrable save the slit where my eyes were."
arnold schwarzenegger come at me bro GIFGiphy
He was not messing around.
Next, dps15 grabbed the heavy artillery: The Executioner, a type of bug zapper that is kind of like an electrified tennis racket.
Armored and armed to the hilt, dps15 enters the theater of war to find the wasp poised to dive bomb him from the bathroom light above.
"It turns to face me and opens its wings up, ready to kamikaze my a*s at a moment's notice. It can smell fear, and probably the gallons of sweat I'm excreting from being in enough clothing to brave Mt. Everest."
Thinking that he needs to get the wasp to fall to a more manageable height, dps15 threw a shirt at the wasp... which was the exact wrong answer.
"It tumbled down for a moment before regaining control and I sh*t you not made a beeline (more puns) straight for me and in a panic I slam the door shut."
frustrated come on GIF by Saturday Night LiveGiphy
So now he's completely lost sight of the wasp, and even worse, his mom reminds him that there's a ceiling vent in the bathroom ceiling. If the wasp gets up there, it's a one-way ticket to an entire wasp's nest and suddenly you're run out of your own house by your new wasp overlords.
After frantically closing all the vents in the house, dps15 finally musters the courage to go back into the bathroom and...
"I meticulously check my bathoom [sic] once again, under the sink, between the shower curtains, trash can, nothing. There's nothing more I can do."
"I spend the next two days afraid of my own fuc*ing bathroom, carrying The Executioner with me like Jesse Pinkman and his pistol in El Camino."
Chewing Gum Reaction GIFGiphy
Two days later, dps15 awakens and what do you know, guess who's come out of hiding and had the unmitigated temerity to join him in his bedroom while he's unawares.
"That skinny waisted, stabby a*sed, flying fuc*er flew under the radar and remained in hiding for TWO DAYS until I was UNARMED and then makes a move... I see it fly behind my bed... I'm without armor and in nothing but briefs."
After throwing open a window hoping it would escape, dps15 prepared to launch his offensive.
But the wasp had other ideas.
"...it flew out and landed right on my forearm and before I could swipe it off and electrify that flying syringe it delivered me a painful parting gift. I freak out and trip backwards before it flew off out of my window."
Lose Willy Wonka GIFGiphy
Game. Set. Match.
And dps15's fellow Redditors couldn't help but be impressed.
"That was a wild ride man. Holy cow." --Philosophysnail
"This is one of the most suspenseful posts I've read in a while" --whatsINthaBOX
Though many were a lot more impressed by the wasp than dps15.
"Yet again..."
"Wasp - 1"
"Human - 0" --Interstitiality
"'It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life.'"
"Jean-luc Picard said that, but not about you, you made some mistakes" --CrazysaurusRex
And some were reminded of their own battles with the insect world.
"My wife bust into my work conference call to get me to kill a wasp.... today I was a hero.... sorry u didnt have the same luck" --t3hdubzy
"I accidentally stepped on two wasps fuc*ing in front of my refrigerator and got stung by both." --UrbanMuffin
"I had a friend who put on a pair of pants that unbeknownst to her, a scorpion had made its home in. That shit terrifies me." --seeking_hope
While others had some suggestions for better wasp war technique.
"Future advice: spray bottle with water and some Dawn dish soap. Perfect weapon. Get a bottle with the adjustable stream, then you have a sniper rifle shotgun combo." --SubiPhydeaux
"I find that a decent vacuum cleaner with a long wand is a good ally when dealing with flying insects." --aidissonance
Anyway, in the end dps15 had to concede defeat.
"The war is over, but casualties have been sustained. Honestly, that little asshole deserves to live, so long as it never returns."
So there you have it: if nature invades your home, strike before it's too late.
Kings County Tools Wasp, Yellow Jacket and Hornet Traps are available here.
@An_Enemy_Within/X