The Dumbest Things Patients Have Ever Tried To Lie To Their Doctors About

Self-Sabotage at Its Finest

"A guy comes in, between 17-19 years old for 'pebble hits penis.' Pretty odd. He says he was doing yard work when the tool knocked a Pebble into his penis, he went to check it, and now it was making pus."

"The nurse clarified that he was wearing pants. Denies sexual history. He stands by that he got hit on his penis by a rock through his pants which made him produce pus. He had chlamydia."

"Another guy says he was forced to do meth (or something similar) at a store. Came in because he thought he was dying."

"A fun bonus: a frequent flier comes in for 'his stomach hurting from eating this chili he had' while continuing to eat said chili in the lobby."

- Malice1543

"Oh, that!"

"Woman comes to the emergency room with complaints of vaginal discharge and discomfort. A pelvic exam initially reveals a significant yeast infection, but there appears to be a foreign body in her vagina."

"'Is there something stuck inside?'"

"'No, I don’t know what’s in there…'"

"A speculum examination reveals a very soft mandarin orange, peel still on."

"'Oh, that! We heard it would improve our fertility…'"

"You can’t make this s**t up."

- Drilmagus

The Classic, "No, I Mean Yes."

"'Do you have any medical problems?'"

"'No.'"

"'So no diabetes?'"

"'No diabetes.'"

"'What medications are you taking?'"

"'Metformin. For my diabetes.'"

"I facepalm every time."

- Retinator99

Oh, How Did That Get In There...

"Guy came in for a wound on his lower leg that he said came from a biking accident."

"An X-ray revealed a bullet inside his ankle joint. The wound was from shooting himself by accident while holding a gun. Still don’t know how he didn’t fracture anything."

- Cybariss

But It's Corn!

"Part of my job is dealing with medical records. My favorite part is when you are reading the doctor's notes and you can tell they are fed up with the patient's bulls**t from their tone."

"Like this: 'Patient in for a routine colonoscopy, asked if solids consumed in 24 hours prior, patient confirms no. In the process of the procedure, several dozen kernels of corn are discovered in the colon and cannot continue. Patient specifically instructed not to consume corn beforehand as this happened prior to visit.'"

- YourStolenCharizard

Plot Holes Everywhere

"One dude lied about being paralyzed after a lumbar puncture. I get a call from a nurse that the patient says he can’t move his legs following a lumbar puncture (spinal tap)."

"I called the team that did the procedure and they assured me there was no indication of this sort of injury happening during the procedure but agreed with my plan to get an urgent MRI."

"I go to examine him and the nurse says she thinks he moved one of his feet. Next thing I know he says he can actually move his legs again but they are feeling weird."

"Then this weird feeling turns into intense pain and he asks for intravenous narcotics (Dilaudid). I tell him no because this story makes no sense."

"By god, it was a miracle I tell you when this man walked himself right out of the hospital after I refused the IV narcotics."

"Also, the MRI was normal."

- materiamasta

Absolutely No Alcohol

"Patient: 'I haven’t drunk alcohol in months!'"

"Patient's family: 'It’s true, I’ve been with her the whole time.'"

"Me: 'Ma’am, your alcohol level is 325.'"

"Patient: 'Impossible! I would never lie to you!'"

- jorgeojungle

Against Medical Advice

"One of my favorite things I wrote my first year out of medical school:"

"'Please note patient has stated multiple times that he wants to leave and would leave AMA (against medical advice). He asked multiple times whether he could eat and stated he is hungry. Explained to the patient that we would like to start a full liquid diet first and if he tolerated it well, would transition to regular foods.'"

"'However, the patient ordered Chinese food delivery instead. Then, the patient was complaining of a headache. Was given Tylenol for the headache. The patient stated that this did not help him.'"

"'His sister at bedside went to the nearby pharmacy and bought Goody powder (aspirin). Sister did ask whether she could give him Goody powder. She was told not to give the patient the Goody powder. She supposedly did not.'”

"For context, the patient had a catastrophic GI bleed from taking too much aspirin."

- grantcapps

Quitting or Taking a Break

"'Do you smoke cigarettes?'"

"'No, I quit!'"

"'When did you quit?'"

"'This morning.'"

- BagelAmpersantLox

Just a Little Secret

"I had a lady tell me she had no idea how she got a rash she had on her face. I left the room, gave a report to the MD, and when I walked back in with the doctor, she looked at me and said, 'I didn’t think you’d be coming back in the room.'"

"She then proceeded to confess that she’d been cheating on her husband and thought she had herpes. She did not have herpes."

- Physical_Witness_922

History of Smoking

"A common one is about their smoking. Smoking is an enormous risk factor for fracture nonunion, meaning a fracture that doesn’t heal."

"When I walk into a nonunion patient’s exam room and it smells like a cigar den, I know they smoke."

"But they’ll tell me they don’t right to my face. Before signing them up for revision surgery, I’ll commonly order a urine test for nicotine metabolites. Often it’ll turn out positive and suddenly they have a Surprised Pikachu Face."

- Anthrotekkk

Who's This?

​"Their identity. Insurance fraud using a friend's and relative's insurance card. As a resident in a very large east coast hospital, I was tasked to figure things out when the blood bank called and said their blood type changed."

"When confronted with getting the wrong blood that may kill them, they almost always tell the truth. This type of fraud has also resulted in people who have been dead (and autopsied) raising from the dead and 'appearing' in a clinic or ER."

- liberty4u2

Dentures Have Entered the Chat

"My dad neglected to mention he had no teeth... since 1976. We found out in the ICU. In 2022."

- mommagolly

"Wait... did he wear dentures, or did you just not notice that he didn't have any teeth?"

- GhostemaneBlackMage

"Maybe he had a comically large mustache."

- awksaw

"Actually, HE DOES. But he also never mentioned having dentures!"

- mommagolly

Most Recent Snacks

"Medical school student. Not a big deal but a patient lied to me about what she had eaten."

"She was obviously having some problem with her gallbladder. Typically this pain can be caused by greasy food."

"So I asked the patient what she had eaten before she got this pain. The patient said she only ate a salad with very little ranch, that’s it."

"I even explained how greasy food can cause this pain but she’s adamant she only ate a salad."

"Anyways, I report back to my attending and we see her together. The attending asked her what she ate."

"The patient said salad then adds she also ate a burger! It wouldn’t have changed the plan but why lie??"

- fireandblood03

Doctors are always full of interesting medical stories, but the ways in which patients lie is especially fascinating.

If a person is pursuing medical treatment, wouldn't they want to give the information that would help the doctor most accurately treat them?