Okay, well, now we've truly heard absolutely everything...
The world of professional chess has been rocked—rocked, we tell you!—by a cheating scandal. But not just any cheating scandal. A cheating scandal involving anal beads.
No, that's not a technical term for something chess-related, nor is it a euphemism. A chess champion is literally accused of cheating by receiving messages, in his butt, via remote-controlled anal beads.
Is it true? That remains to be seen, but boy howdy, has it stirred up drama.
It all began when Norwegian chess champion Magnus Carlsen, widely regarded as the best chess player in the world, lost to American Hans Niemann in a shock upset that ended Carlsen's 53-game win streak.
Shortly thereafter, Carlsen abruptly withdrew from the 2022 Sinquefield Cup.
\u201cI've withdrawn from the tournament. I've always enjoyed playing in the @STLChessClub, and hope to be back in the future https://t.co/YFSpl8er3u\u201d— Magnus Carlsen (@Magnus Carlsen) 1662400823
Carlsen announced his withdrawal on Twitter with no explanation except for a video clip, frequently used as a meme in Europe, of former soccer star and manager of Italy's Roma soccer team José Mourinho saying “If I speak, I am in big trouble."
Interesting...
The lead up to Carlsen's mysterious withdrawal provided more clues. After beating Carlsen, Niemann attempted to publicly embarrass Carlsen, gloating about his win during a post-match interview in which he said:
“It must be embarrassing for the World Champion to lose to me. I feel bad for him!”
Then, the next match between the two was delayed 15 minutes after security stepped up their searches to ensure no one was cheating. Niemann was reportedly searched for a full 90 seconds on his way to the match.
It's at this point that Carlsen decided to withdraw. Japanese player Hikaru Nakamura attempted to fill in the blanks in Carlsen's cryptic decision during a Twitch stream in which he said he believes Carlsen withdrew because he thought Niemann was cheating.
Suddenly a rift ensued among the championship chess community as many figures came to Niemann's defense—until one player didn't. Eric "Chess Brah" Hansen claimed Niemann had been receiving signals via vibrating anal beads in his rectum, and that was how he beat Carlsen.
Of course it sounds ludicrous, and the theory may or may not have origins in chess-world fan fiction on Reddit (yes, that's real), but after it circulated online enough, many came to believe it.
The bizarre theory even made it to the eyeballs of Tesla CEO Elon Musk. In a since-deleted tweet, Musk repurposed a quote from German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer. Musk's tweet read:
“'Talent hits a target no one else can hit, genius hits a target no one can see (cause it’s in ur butt)' – Schopenhauer”
Who knows what the actual truth is, but the potent cocktail of chess, Elon Musk, and anal beads had certain sectors of Twitter in a tizzy.
\u201cClearly competition chess has a loop hole which needs to be plugged.\nDespite this fans at the event said there was a real buzz around the arena.\u201d— Jonty (@Jonty) 1663175521
\u201cCurrently obsessed with the notion that Hans Niemann has been cheating at the Sinquefield Cup chess tournament using wireless anal beads that vibrate him the correct moves.\u201d— Babble (@Babble) 1662541294
\u201c@Jontys_Corner He learned the technique on PawnHub\u201d— Jonty (@Jonty) 1663175521
\u201c@Eugene_Scott @MetroUK BRUH.\u201d— Metro (@Metro) 1663148150
\u201c@MetroUK Alright, can we just talk about the talent it takes to decipher messages being transmitted through anal bead vibrations, while in the anus?? Like what kind of strategy had to be developed. How many hours of practice?\u201d— Metro (@Metro) 1663148150
\u201c"Maybe folks could cheat at chess using anal beads" is not a sentence I ever expected to read or to type.\n\nFeels like a @doctorow novel gone wrong.\n https://t.co/asDP4yGyRg\u201d— Captain Benzie \ud83c\uddff\ud83c\uddfc (@Captain Benzie \ud83c\uddff\ud83c\uddfc) 1663172679
\u201cchess matches in NYC\u2019s Union Square right now. I\u2019m checking everyone for anal beads\u201d— \ud83e\ude7b \ud835\ude8e\ud835\ude9b\ud835\ude92\ud835\ude94 \ud835\ude8f\ud835\ude98\ud835\ude9b\ud835\ude9b\ud835\ude8e\ud835\ude9c\ud835\ude9d \ud835\ude93\ud835\ude8a\ud835\ude8c\ud835\ude94\ud835\ude9c\ud835\ude98\ud835\ude97 (@\ud83e\ude7b \ud835\ude8e\ud835\ude9b\ud835\ude92\ud835\ude94 \ud835\ude8f\ud835\ude98\ud835\ude9b\ud835\ude9b\ud835\ude8e\ud835\ude9c\ud835\ude9d \ud835\ude93\ud835\ude8a\ud835\ude8c\ud835\ude94\ud835\ude9c\ud835\ude98\ud835\ude97) 1663175595
\u201cTom Brady learning about the guy cheating at chess with vibrating anal beads\u201d— Esca Flonase (@Esca Flonase) 1663177021
\u201cMy tl is just anal beads and chess right now\u201d— Mommy Kinn Theerapanyakun agenda (@Mommy Kinn Theerapanyakun agenda) 1663201682
\u201cI don't know who needs to hear this, but if you are a chess grandmaster who bought one of my homemade vibrating anal beads to cheat at a chess tournament with, you will NOT BE PROVIDED A REFUND IF YOU GET CAUGHT!\ud83d\ude44That's on/in you \nhttps://t.co/6d7AZU3M5Q\u201d— Ryan's Shorts! (@Ryan's Shorts!) 1663191862
For his part, Niemann mounted a passionate defense of himself.
Niemann: I Have NEVER Cheated Over The Board | Round 5youtu.be
Niemann said in an interview:
“I am not going to let Chess.com, I am not going to let Magnus Carlsen, I’m not going to let Hikaru Nakamura, the three arguably biggest entities in chess, simply slander my reputation.”
Sounds pretty much exactly like what a guy who cheats at chess with anal beads up his a** would say. 🙄
@jaketapoer/Bluesky
