All's fair in love and war, right? Or are there lines that shouldn't be crossed, like deliberately deceiving your significant other to test them?
That's the question one Redditor was facing when he turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) for judgment.
Redditor rfyhjj7 asked:
"AITA for not telling my girlfriend I speak Russian (her native language)?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My girlfriend is from Russia. I self taught myself Russian and I later lived in Ukraine for a bit so I basically speak almost perfect Russian."
"I started dating Diana 4 weeks ago. The relationship was pretty good and I never felt the need to speak to her in Russian as her English is good and I figured that if she doesn't know I know Russian perhaps I can see if she's actually loyal or if she'll talk shit about me etc...."
"We broke up when I found out she was chеаting on me."
"I found out when she was at my place talking on the phone to a friend and she explained how she f'ked another guy twice when I was gone and she was lonely and how she feels she made a mistake. I said in Russian 'you're damn right you made a mistake and you can get out of my apartment now'."
"She's completely shocked and is asking me how I know Russian and wtf. She's cursing me out saying I'm such an a**hole for violating her privacy by not telling her I know Russian and being able to understand her private conversations."
"I told her she has to leave or she'll be forcibly removed."
"I got a barrage of texts and calls from other mutual friends saying I'm such an a**hole for not telling her I speak Russian and how much personal sh*t I've overheard."
"I told them they're a bunch of stupid c*nts for thinking I'm the bad one on the relationship when she cheated on me and that fact proves I was right to not tell her I speak Russian to find this out."
Redditors were then asked to weigh in and declare the OP was:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were divided in their judgments between ESH, NTA and YTA.
The NTA people said cheating trumps anything anyone else might do. While they mostly acknowledged the OP was deliberately deceitful, they applauded him for it.
"NTA. All the people that are calling YTA are stupid and [a**hole]'s lol, it's probably other females or dudes that have been cheating so mad over the fact that other cheaters are getting caught in more elaborate ways."
"If the dude wants to keep his knowledge of a foreign language under wraps, that's his decision."
"The intentions behind the decision don't f'king matter, it's his life and he can choose to keep whatever secrets he wants private as long as he himself is not damaging the relationship."
"To everyone who said he's TAH, all of you are stupid and have probably cheated." ~ Rickicookie
"NTA. Many people here are claiming ESH or even that YTA. They're idiots."
"Your ability to speak Russian isn't going to create a force-shield around her vagina. She cheated on you and hoped your inability to speak Russian would prevent you from finding out."
"Many are saying you violated the trust agreement that you established with her when the relationship began. Hello! Trust is earned."
"When you meet a stranger you don't automatically trust them; You're supposed to feel out the other person. You're an idiot if you think everyone holds your best interest at heart."
"You laid a mine by hiding your ability to speak Russian, and she stepped on it. Her fault. Not yours."
"Your mutual friends are [a**holes] btw. She slept with someone and for some reason they think that's ok because you hid your ability to speak Russian." ~ CountEdmundDantes
The YTA people cited the OP's original question as the reason for their choice.
"YTA. You purposely hid it just so you could 'spy' on her. You have issues, buddy."
"(While she is an A for cheating, that's not the question [asked] here.)" ~ Crisis_Redditor
"YTA. You were deliberately deceitful in an attempt to set a trap for your significant other, even though you were a brand new couple and you didn't have a specific, good reason to be suspicious in the first place."
"That's manipulative and slimy and the biggest red flag."
"For the record the reason I'm not voting ESH is because I think the question we're weighing in on is whether or not it was okay for him to hide the fact that he speaks Russian to catch his girlfriend in lies or shit-talking."
"The cheating feels irrelevant to that question to me because the fact that he did catch her doesn't justify him lying and violating her trust in the first place."
"OBVIOUSLY she's an AH for cheating but even if she didn't end up cheating he would still be the AH in this situation, therefore it's irrelevant." ~ Viener-Schnitzel
But the ESH Redditors cited the subReddit's definitions for each judgment acronym.
"ESH. There's no 'justified after the fact a**hole' acronym. You either did something a**holish, which you clearly did by eavesdropping on your girlfriend, or you didn't."
"Your listening in is no different than if she bugged your apartment without your knowledge. Even if she caught you lying or cheating, she'd still have done something wrong."
"And if she hadn't cheated? How would your deception and creepiness be justified? It wouldn't be. I think that's what your friends are trying to get you to understand."
"Yes, she's an a**hole for cheating, but you're an a**hole for spying on her. That's a manipulative, controlling, abusive move that's no different than hidden cameras or microphones." ~ LakotaGrl
"ESH - this is a 'two wrongs don't make a right' type situation. You suck for not telling her you speak Russian, especially because you did so specifically to deceive her and test her loyalty."
"You knew she was under the impression that she was having a private conversation - so you were very much eavesdropping."
"That said, she sucks for cheating on you, obviously. You weren't 'right' to not tell her that you speak Russian just because doing so gave you information you wouldn't have otherwise found out then. That also doesn't make it 'right' for her to have cheated on you."
"I realize that now you're in a position where due to your action you found out information that was important to you, so it seems like what you did was a good idea."
"However, part of relationships is that we have to trust our partner, and sometimes we get burned. In this situation, had you not overheard her discussion, she still would have cheated, but you wouldn't have known and may not have known for a long time/ever, and that's scary."
"However, you can't assume that all future partners will be cheaters - what if in this situation you hadn't told her that you speak Russian, she didn't cheat on you, and then you ended up overhearing a number of private conversations that were personal to her?"
"That would have been a huge violation of trust and likely would have eventually come out and ended the relationship. In this specific circumstance, you sucked and then caught her sucking too, but just know that its not always going to turn out this way, and if you let this situation guide your actions on future situations, you're unlikely to achieve a healthy relationship in the future."
"Plus, what happens when you meet someone who doesn't happen to speak Russian so you cannot deceive them? Are you going to violate their privacy in other ways?" ~ chrystalight
Ultimately, the majority of Redditors voted everyone sucks here.