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If you needed another reminder the Evangelical Christian right-wing lives in an alternate reality, we've got you covered.
Nearly everyone greeted the return—after nearly 30 years—of Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy and Sarah Jessica Parker as the witchy Sanderson sisters in Disney's
Hocus Pocus 2.
But trust and believe, Texas mom Jamie Gooch is not among them.
People on social media are roasting Gooch after she went on her local television news to tearfully issue a warning to parents about a harrowing danger facing kids today—the portal to Hell and Satan himself that Hocus Pocus 2 opens into your home.
Yes, that's right.
Gooch literally thinks a movie about comedic witches can "unleash Hell" upon your children through the TV screen.
You can see the report here:
\u201cMother of 3 and Free Thinker, Jamie Gooch, is warning parents everywhere about the dangers of letting your children watch Hocus Pocus 2, a movie about the harvesting of the purity of children\u2019s souls. \ud83d\ude10\ud83e\udd74\u201d— dara faye (@dara faye) 1665004848
\u201c\u201cAnd even overthink it.\u201d\u201d— Rex Chapman\ud83c\udfc7\ud83c\udffc (@Rex Chapman\ud83c\udfc7\ud83c\udffc) 1665008717
Gooch attracted the attention of the news station that put her on TV after first penning a warning about Hocus Pocus 2's direct line to Satan on Facebook, which went viral—presumably amongst people mocking the whole thing because she's since locked her account.
\u201cReading and laughing at all the Facebook posts criticizing hocus pocus 2 because this movie about witches has\u2026 witchcraft \ud83d\ude02\ud83d\ude02\ud83d\ude02\u201d— Elizabeth (@Elizabeth) 1664757303
But Gooch's interview with Texas's KWTX lives on.
In the segment, Gooch warned:
"A worst-case scenario is: you unleash hell on your kids and in your home."
She then dissolved into tears over the profound Satanic evil unleashed on children through a TV.
"It grieves me, the thought of exposing our kids to darkness..."
But Gooch isn't just trading in suspicion here.
She says *ominous music cue* she's experienced the actual evil she speaks of being made manifest by a TV.
"I believe whatever comes in our TV screens, there are things attached to that."
"I have seen for myself the things that I have watched with my eyes or heard over a TV screen that become manifested in real life."
And she warns while the spells Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy and Sarah Jessica Parker cast in
Hocus Pocus 2 might sound like they're all silly fun, you have no way of knowing if they are actually summoning Satan.
"Everybody thinks it's fake and innocent, but they could be casting any type of spell they want to. Anything could be coming through that TV screen into your home."
Didn't think of that, did you?
Of course, social media can't help but guffaw at this overwrought absurdity.
\u201cHappy to have corrupted the children. Hail Satan: https://t.co/n0hC8OQweE\u201d— Mick Garris & The Post Mortem Podcast (@Mick Garris & The Post Mortem Podcast) 1665070191
\u201cnext spoken word Drag Race lip sync:\u201d— Jake Giles (@Jake Giles) 1665022716
\u201cOh\n\nTexas mom warns watching Hocus Pocus 2 could open gates of HELL https://t.co/nPA7ohljtA\u201d— Francesca (@Francesca) 1665002315
\u201cIn the Theocratic hell of Texas a deranged mother, Jamie Gooch, is trying to revive the Satanic Panic. Imaginary monsters make the best scapegoats. She believes in witches so get out the dunking stool. This is the insanity of evangelicalism at work. \nhttps://t.co/eDZzR3XNGI\u201d— Moorfield Storey (@Moorfield Storey) 1664994358
\u201c"I'm trending?"\n\n#Gooch\u201d— Byron Bunch (@Byron Bunch) 1665158219
\u201cgooch is correct, I put on hocus pocus 2 and unleashed hell. (bette midler showed up at my house and will not stop singing wind beneath my wings)\u201d— nicole tersigni (@nicole tersigni) 1665004093
\u201cThis Texas mother is raising her children in a state that refuses to do anything to prevent kids from being mass-murdered, but, yeah, okay, it's HOCUS POCUS 2 that's going to introduce them to "darkness" and put them in real danger.\n\nhttps://t.co/WP7Jik5D8v\u201d— Cole Haddon (@Cole Haddon) 1665099540
\u201cTHEIR LAST NAME IS GOOCH\u201d— fullmetal (@fullmetal) 1664994277
\u201cThis is real. A Texas mom believes that Hocus Pocus 2 will cast a dangerous spell on your child. \n\nWe need to beg for a meteor strike ASAP.\u201d— Geronimo: ROE-vember is coming (@Geronimo: ROE-vember is coming) 1665015011
\u201cbelieving that tv can send demons into your house is the ultimate expression of American Christianity\u201d— goose potential (@goose potential) 1665001188
\u201c@WWTLpodcast @ChristnNitemare As a good Christian parent, I didn\u2019t understand why my kids were suddenly levitating throughout the house!\u201d— Christian Nightmares (@Christian Nightmares) 1664992144
There's no question Midler, Najimy and Parker are powerful but who knew they could actually summon the hounds of Hell?
Iconic!