Human sexuality is a wonderfully varied and vibrant thing, and it should be celebrated.
If everyone just embraced their off-the-beaten-path proclivities (providing they're not hurting anyone—safe, sane, CONSENSUAL folks—we'd probably be a much happier society.
However, the importance of good planning and attention to detail when exploring your fantasies cannot be overstated, so that you don't, for instance, end up in the wrong house wielding sexy, sexy machetes at the wrong man in the middle of the night as recently happened in Australia.
Yes, you read that correctly.
It's a story you couldn't make up if you tried. A man in Goolgowi, New South Wales—about seven hours west of Sydney—woke up around six a.m. to use the restroom and noticed a light on in the next room. He assumed it was a neighbor who often comes over for coffee and yelled out, "Bugger off, it's too early," as one would.
But the answer he got in return—in a stranger's voice—was a bit startling.
"Is your name Kevin?"
good mythical morning what GIF by Rhett and LinkGiphy
His name was not Kevin.
Understandably a bit uncomfortable with this, the gent ripped off his sleep apnea mask and turned on the light to find not his coffee-loving neighbor, but rather two men at the foot of the bed brandishing machetes. The machete guys asked him his name and he told them.
Their response:
"Are you sure you are not Kevin? As we were told to come to...pick up Kevin."
When he informed him he absolutely was not Kevin, the guys politely excused themselves with a friendly "Sorry, mate," shook the man's hand—which is for some reason the most hilarious detail of this entire thing—and left his house.
excuse me wtf GIF by Patriot ActGiphy
It turns out, the machete gents had been hired for $5000 to go to a man named Kevin's house, tie him up and rub him over his underpants with a broom.
But "Kevin" had recently moved houses and they'd gotten their client's address confused. An honest mistake.
But what about those machetes? What were they for?
Literally no one knows. When the hired guys made their way to the correct client's house, he asked them to please leave their giant knives in the car.
According to a judge involved in the ensuing legal case:
"They carried the machetes either as a prop or something to use in that fantasy. The fantasy was unscripted..."
Confused Mouth Open GIFGiphy
Anyway, the criminal case that ensued when the cops showed up to the real client's house while he was casually cooking the men bacon and eggs after asking them to please leave their machetes in the car (WHAT IS THIS STORY?!) resulted in a not guilty verdict for the men, on the basis that they had no ill intent and it was all a misunderstanding in which the men were "polite and respectful."
So... there's that.
As you might guess, the internet had quite a laugh at this ridiculous story.
So let's take this as a teachable moment and make sure we double check the addresses on our sex role-plays going forward.
@GovPressOffice/X
