Solving the mystery of the Loch Ness Monster wasn't on our 2022 Surreal Life bingo cards - but a professor on Twitter has shared his theory, and it makes as much sense as anything else this year, so Twitter is kind of just going with it.
Michael Sweet is a researcher, lecturer, and professor of molecular ecology at the University of Derby, in England. His take on the Loch Ness Monster is a little different from what others have theorized.
People have theorized that Nessie is a plesiosaur, a giant Eel, a massive catfish, an elephant, and nothing at all. Professor Sweet? He thinks Nessie is a whale boner.
And he's not afraid to tell Twitter all about it.
With pics!
Back in day, travellers/explorers would draw what they saw. This is where many sea monster stories come from ie. tentacled and alienesque appendages emerging from the water - giving belief to something more sinister lurking beneath....however, many cases it was just whale dicks.pic.twitter.com/6ZH1nJZvB1— Prof. Michael Sweet (@Prof. Michael Sweet) 1649441081
Whales often mate in groups so while one male is busy with the female the other male just pops his dick out of the water while swimming around waiting his turn. Everyone\u2019s gotta have a bit of fun, right?— Prof. Michael Sweet (@Prof. Michael Sweet) 1649441457
One female whale is typically paired with a primary escort (male) and a group of males will try to fight for their right to overthrow the escort and earn mating rights. A competition pod can have just a handful of whales or a larger group of 12-15.— Prof. Michael Sweet (@Prof. Michael Sweet) 1649441535
Twitter … would rather he didn't.
Whale's what?????pic.twitter.com/CYLZzd8fPJ— Ms Extra (@Ms Extra) 1649605547
Didn't think I'd be looking at whale dick ona Sunday morning but here I am...pic.twitter.com/54yb743la4— L\ud83e\udd99A (@L\ud83e\udd99A) 1649570491
ugh men and their unsolicited dick pics https://twitter.com/diseasematters/status/1512491636747550720\u00a0\u2026— meik (@meik) 1649618755
Knowledge is a bliss, and yet I somehow doubt this knowledge was something I needed. xD— Sirana | Please get vaccinated! (@Sirana | Please get vaccinated!) 1649541858
But also is oddly fascinated.
Dicks and Nessie? I am loving this intersection of my interests... I am about to write a romance novel about a marine biologist and a Nessie hunter who fall in love and realize that whale dicks and love are both mythical/major or something. #geniushttps://twitter.com/DiseaseMatters/status/1512491636747550720\u00a0\u2026— Molly Olivo (@Molly Olivo) 1649644146
Not using the phrase "Cock Ness Monster" to describe this revelation is just leaving money on the table.— Squidney Mintz (@Squidney Mintz) 1649579826
This could be the best plot twist in history.https://twitter.com/DiseaseMatters/status/1512491636747550720\u00a0\u2026— Mi abuela dice que soy guapo (@Mi abuela dice que soy guapo) 1649623392
In an interesting academic turn, someone pretty relevant spoke up to disagree with Prof. Sweet - whose theory is widely informed by an academic paper. One of the authors of the paper itself!
According to this author, the whale-wang theory just doesn't hold up in this case.
Hi, Author of the paper that started this. https://www.euppublishing.com/doi/abs/10.3366/anh.2005.32.1.1\u00a0\u2026 We never claimed (and I certainly do not believe) that many sea serpent reports came from sightings of whale penises. Only one or two. Another possible case is described here https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00253359.2021.1940521?src=\u00a0\u2026— Charles Paxton (@Charles Paxton) 1649606468
Also we never suggested this as an explanation for freshwater monsters as cetaceans (especially large ones) very seldom enter freshwaters.— Charles Paxton (@Charles Paxton) 1649606698
The mystery may never truly be solved, we all know that. But the Loch Ness Monster just being a whale peen (and the idea that all the Nessie merch is just a giant erection sticking out of the water) feels perfectly on brand, doesn't it? Especially now that intellectuals are arguing about it.
Those of you with Nessie swag, how are you feeling knowing you're possibly sporting the free-est of willies when you wear it?