Right-wing media personalities have shown us time and again they'll stop at nothing to boost their candidates, no matter how poorly they may be doing in the polls. But it seems pretty clear nobody ever thought they'd go this far.
In the aftermath of last week's vice presidential debate, two conservative commentators actually said they think Mike Pence could help clinch the "suburban mom" vote for Trump because they're all hot and bothered in their suburban mom pants for the Vice President. Yes, you read that right.
This stroke of unhinged nonsense came to us first via radio commentator Jesse Kelly.
FWIW, the Trump campaign might wanna feature Pence a little more if they’re worried about suburban moms. I’m pickin… https://t.co/Fe3th8xvSt— Jesse Kelly (@Jesse Kelly) 1602191197.0
This tweet was bad enough—and more weird sexualization of Mike Pence than anyone needed.
But because this is 2020 and it is impossible for anything terrible to not immediately get exponentially worse, Kurt Schlichter, a columnist at Townhall.com columnist Kurt Schlicter, had to come along and quote-tweet Kelly and add some much unneeded, totally unnecessary extra clarity.
Juuust in case you didn't know what Kelly was getting at in his tweet, allow Schlichter to just completely ruin your life.
Let’s just say it… Suburban women sense that Pence knows how to lay pipe. @JesseKellyDC https://t.co/I9PfAg8o9r— Kurt Schlichter (@Kurt Schlichter) 1602197174.0
Please report this tweet, because it is an act of terrorism.
Kelly's euphemistic tweet was bad enough, but "lay pipe" just takes this to a whole new place, specifically a frat house in 1987. No one wants this and nobody asked for it.
Republicans are desperate to win the vote of suburban white women, because they were key to Trump's victory in 2016 and their support for him in 2020 has been steadily eroding.
But there's absolutely nothing to indicate that suburban white women are pining for the Vice President to "lay pipe" in their presence, and sexuality is not exactly the guy's strong suit--this is a man who calls his wife "mother," after all.
As for the "chatter" indicating that white suburban women are dying for a hit off the ol' Pence Pipe, neither Kelly nor Schlichter provided any further context or sourcing about this supposed "chatter" (probably because it doesn't exist). So the whole thing's a bit of a mystery.
What's definitely not a mystery, though, is that the very idea of this Pence-lust made internet folks either barf, roll their eyes, or both, and the drags came in quick and hot.
@KurtSchlichter @JesseKellyDC Yeah, that’s always the first thing that pops into our heads when we think of the con… https://t.co/I7bBXJTKmB— Maureen 🦊 (@Maureen 🦊) 1602199932.0
@KurtSchlichter @JesseKellyDC Actually, I sense that Pence has never given a woman an orgasm in his entire life and… https://t.co/6YmBn8nIK7— Alyssa Marie Bethancourt (@Alyssa Marie Bethancourt) 1602199358.0
@KurtSchlichter @JesseKellyDC https://t.co/mbdHWqml6y— Cherie Priest (@Cherie Priest) 1602213081.0
@KurtSchlichter @JesseKellyDC This is quite possibly the least true thing in human history— Deep Sense of Creeping Dread 2020 (@Deep Sense of Creeping Dread 2020) 1602199865.0
@KurtSchlichter @JesseKellyDC Sure thing. It would be even better if he owned a motel: https://t.co/fxzEFFQyCz— Cat Food Casserole (@Cat Food Casserole) 1602204471.0
@JesseKellyDC I’m a suburban mom & no. None of us want any of that. https://t.co/wIlZYTGZsB— *redacted (@*redacted) 1602201539.0
@JesseKellyDC Pence makes this suburban woman’s skin crawl. https://t.co/cNqjwsC2Cb— IGNORE THE POLLS-Vote!!! (@IGNORE THE POLLS-Vote!!!) 1602200398.0
@JesseKellyDC I can't tell if this is satire or not— let me moderate the next debate (@let me moderate the next debate) 1602191322.0
@maureenfox @KurtSchlichter @JesseKellyDC the man is a walking cold shower according to the suburban women polls— prays w/faint damns (@prays w/faint damns) 1602203682.0
@KurtSchlichter @JesseKellyDC Even for a right wing person who has no particular purpose but to make others feel ba… https://t.co/qyOmuNDura— Brendel (@Brendel) 1602199304.0
For his part, Schlichter was undeterred by the response--he simply doubled right down.
My greatest tweet ever. Savor the comments as frowny-face libs attempt to objectively disprove this assertion of Pe… https://t.co/VyhPsFvzhd— Kurt Schlichter (@Kurt Schlichter) 1602253807.0
This election simply cannot end soon enough.