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A man recently attempted to burn the candle at both ends.
Now usually, that expression simply means staying up late and waking up early.
But in this case, both ends of the human anatomy were burning here. One for taste, the other for forgiveness.
The "Running Man" of this story will be known only by his Reddit handle, DeneldTremp. As you'll learn, he is dedicated to physical fitness, keeping up with the news, and rising early.
Yet, he is also clearly no titan against impulse.
The story posted to the subReddit "Today I F'd Up" or TIFU begins on the eve of a planned "5k-15k" morning run.
"I'm sitting on the sofa just shy of midnight, dead tired but also craving a curry. Go to the fridge and bingo, Thai Red curry ready meal. Amazing."
"Popped it in the microwave for 3 minutes and sat back on the sofa with my glass of wine."
Sounds like it was a lovely date for one so far. Take a load off, DeneldTremp.
(It would be the first of many.)
Cut to the next morning. Remember that early rising bit?
"5am: Alarm goes off and to my amazement I'm wide awake. My first thought is to get my running gear on, and so out come the shorts and hoodie."
Well into the run, things looked good.
"It's going well, I'm plodding along at just over a 4min/km pace and enjoying being the only person brave enough to be out in 2 degree (35.6F) weather."
But this man was flying too close to the sun. He was blinded by his own pride, a tragic flaw the likes of which we haven't seen since Icarus.
"Then came the need to take a poo. It seemed more urgent than other times I've needed to go after a run. Do I stop in Tesco? Nope, I better get home; nothing worse than pooping in a public toilet."
(Tesco is a British grocery store chain, and possibly the very place our narrator bought the villainous curry.)
"So I began to jog, not really thinking about the readiness of my anus."
And so it was beginning, in case the suddenly graphic nature of the storytelling didn't tip it off.
"My cautionary jog was suddenly halted abruptly like I had just ran straight into a wall. My anus is ready to explode."
"'Holy sh*t', I said out loud."
Holy indeed.
This was a bowel plunge that approached the power of a deity. This was a cosmic force held within a mortal man.
At this point, the runner took stock of the few times he'd approached this level of poop-need.
"Now I've been at a 9/10 a few times in my life so although desperate, I composed myself and focused on getting home. I started to run, quickly, very quickly."
A fatal mistake, that quick run. He should've gone with the fluid glide walk. The harsh impact of a sprint was sure to bring doom.
But he continued.
"I start sprinting. I'm breaking records."
"I'm 10 meters from my door, practically in tears, my anus clenched so tight I thought I was going to snap my spine."
And then it happened, the almost anticlimactic conclusion to the morning, the taunting soft release.
The explosion's execution didn't line up with how spectacular an issue this was.
"It was then my body and mind just gave up in one swift motion. I was reminded about what it was like to be a baby again."
"I just full on let it go. This was not a clean sausage, this was a full on bad stomach."
As if the fecal tide wasn't bad enough, a public shaming followed quickly behind.
"I waddle upstairs to the bathroom and without thinking just jump straight into the shower and drop everything."
"Holy mother, I nearly collapsed from the sight and the smell. The cleanup process began. It was not going well."
"So bad in fact that my kids and wife all entered the bathroom at once and all just stared at me in complete disappointment for a brief moment before exiting and bursting into fits of laughter."
For many Redditors, this guy's biggest problem was his puritanical refusal to use the public grocery store bathroom.
"I never understand why people hate public bathrooms to this extent" u/MYtaterSKIN
"Public bathrooms are nothing once you've seen the porta potties around 4pm when it's 30 degrees Celsius out at a camping music festival." u/SJSragequit
"I'd say that's worse than pooping in a public toilet, by a lot." u/BananaHomunculus
Others preferred to view the entire thing as a valuable learning experience.
"I think shi**ing your pants in public really changes your perspective on life. You think it's something that would never happen to you." u/DickyMcDoodle
"Hey man, sh*t happens. You'll get through this." u/genuinecelticknott
And lots of people saw this as solid affirmation for their own nonexistent--fitness habits, rubbing in just how comfortable they were reading about the man's plight.
"While reading this post, I had to poo too. Luckily my bedroom is near the bathroom, so I power walked to it and I almost crapped my pants, but luckily I made it to the toilet." u/you_are_breathing
"I'm reading this right now while taking a sh*t at home on the toilet. This is why I don't run." u/0bsidian
"Man, reading a story about someone shi**ing themselves while in the safety of your own bathroom is a feeling I hope I'm able to recreate." u/bubby1216
Pooping never hurt anybody. But sometimes it completely destroys their morale for at least a few days.