Pregnancy and childbirth can be a very stressful time for both parents. When there are complications, that stress is amplified.
A new mother and her husband dealing with the aftermath of a difficult delivery found themselves at odds over childcare duties. After a particularly nasty fight, the wife turned to the Relationship Advice subReddit for help.
*Reddit post edited for clarity
Redditor NeighborhoodOk6694 posted:
"My husband told he wished I'd died in child birth."
After explaining English was not their first or second language, the Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I gave birth to our third child a few weeks ago (four to be exact). Things as you can imagine have been hard especially since I've not been well enough to do most things."
"So everything nearly falls on my husband. Well tonight we had a fight about me needing to do more."
"I told him I'm trying but he doesn't know what it's like and he wasn't there for the two weeks I was suffering in hospital nor did he witness what the baby went through."
"He then started screaming that I was throwing it in his face."
"Obviously I know it wasn't his fault he couldn't visit, but I was just trying to explain what I was going through. He then started saying I was probably pretending because I was back to myself within days of our other kids."
"This royally pissed me off so I shouted at him that while he wasn't there afterwards he was there while I went through hours of labor then rushed to the operating room because we were basically both dying."
"Then at that everything went quiet for a few seconds and he calmly said 'I wished you died watching you on that bed. I prayed you'd bleed out'."
"I was too shocked to say anything at that moment so I checked on the baby. When I came back he was going to bed and I asked him about it."
"He first tried denying it then said he didn't mean it like that. When I wouldn't drop it he told me f'k off he was going to sleep and ignored me."
"So here I'm crying in the living room feeling like sh*t because my body won't allow me to be a f'king good mom even though I'm trying. I really am but I'm in so much pain and the one person I thought I could count on just turned on me."
"What can I do to make this alright with my husband? Should I forgive him and put it down to stress or should I ask him to go see a family therapist?"
Redditors were divided between suggesting seeking help and seeking a divorce lawyer.
"Well there was obviously something going on in his mind before this latest thing about OP supposedly not helping out. Yes it is extremely cruel to say."
"But I'm wondering what it was that caused him to think that at the time of the birth (before the fight). Not that there's any justification for him saying it out loud, I just want to know what actually caused him to think it at the hospital."
"Depending on why he thought that at the hospital, it might mean it's best for everyone's mental health that OP and the husband simply split."
"Yes, it'd suck. But if he actually prayed for her death before they had this fight, what reason is there to think that this relationship/marriage should continue?"
"What good could possibly ever come? It's not like he apologized or felt bad. Thus, just end it. Right?"
"Just walk away. Just leave. I see no other option."
"The husband said he prayed for her death while she was in the hospital. That is not the same as making a hasty threat with no intent of carrying it out."
"And he (apparently) did not exhibit any remorse later after having told the wife this. Moreover, the wife said he said it calmly and paused (thought about it) before saying."
"The problem is not him saying it. The problem is him praying for her death BEFORE this fight."
"Now if he said it out of anger and did not actually pray for her death while she was in the hospital, then great. It was just a fit of anger."
"But if he actually prayed for her death while she was in the hospital....well then f'k me but he hates her."
"And he's not going to suddenly start loving her again. Ever."~ orispy
"For me that would be the end of the marriage, for me there is no going back from that. There are some things you should never say to your spouse and are marriage ending if you do. What your husband said is one of those things."
"I'm so sorry you had the go through that, you did not deserve that. What I suggest you do is that you get you and your kids out of there and go to a family member."
"Do this quietly so you don't wake up your soon to be ex husband. Once you are safe and your kids are put to bed, go contact lawyers and start educating yourself on divorce."
"Turn off location on your phone, but don't block your husband. Everything he sends you might be useful in later court proceedings (if it comes to that)."
"Stay safe and I truly wish you the best. You will get through all of this and you'll be stronger for it." ~ The_Lonely_Cupcake
"Your body won't allow you to be a good mom‽‽ Excuse me‽‽"
"I'm sorry, but your body is just fine. You literally just gave birth."
"The issue here is your shitty excuse for a husband. How dare he‽‽"
"You don't need to do anything to fix this. What you need is support."
"I don't care how tired or mad you are, there is absolutely no excuse to say this. I don't know if I could get past my SO being such a piece of sh*t, and wishing death on me."
"I mean, therapy is a start, but the fixing all needs to come from him. Not on you at all." ~ CAgirl17
"I certainly wouldn't be quick to forgive him. What he said was heinous."
"Literally marriage ending."
"This is not your fault. You did not cause this."
"A normal human would be helping their spouse and child. Your husband is abusive, whether or not this is the first time he's said something like this."
"A family therapist would be the VERY minimum if you ever want to move forward. Personally, I would be looking for alternative arrangements." ~ MainstreamMolly2
"How could you be making it up? Hospitals don't keep women there for 2 weeks after labour for no reason."
"Your husband is disgusting. If he can't handle you needing time to recover maybe he shouldn't have gotten you pregnant again."
"Saying what he said can't be interpreted in any other way than he wished you had died."
"Counseling would be the best option. Him speaking to your doctor and having it explained that you went through something extremely taxing on your body and you need time to recover might help."
"Maybe see if you can stay with family as this stress will not help your recovery." ~ Ebenholz95
The OP has not provided an update yet or any further comments. Hopefully she gets the advice, help and safety she needs.