For expectant parents joyfully awaiting the birth of their child, a miscarriage is devastating.
How each individual in the relationship processes their grief may be different. Some may want the support of others while some may need some privacy before they're ready to share the bad news.
But what if someone shared the news before the parents were ready? What if the person who told people was the doctor who treated them?
A 25-year-old woman dealing with this dilemma turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Redditor 33_____333 asked:
"AITA For filing a complaint against my doctor after she gave my mom my medical information?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I want to start by saying that I don't have the best relationship with my mom. I have an older sister and growing up my mom always tended to control me and tried to override any decisions I make saying that I was young and naive and she always knew better."
"I cut contact with her for a few months after she tried to get involved in my marriage. My husband and I have been together for 3 years and he has always been telling me to be more gentle with my mom."
"I had a miscarriage a few days ago. It's devastating and I really thought it'll get easier but I'm still feeling excruciating pain and frustration."
"We were happy and excited but all that disappeared suddenly and it was hard for me to take because I thought everything was fine. I didn't tell anyone especially since I'm currently dealing with some health issues."
"I didn't tell anyone in the family. My husband promised not to tell until I'm ready."
"My mom kept asking me questions and brought up my pregnancy constantly and my answers were short. Because I didn't want her to know since she'd call everybody and let them know."
"She's always like this. That's why I tend to keep things private."
"I decided to not visit for a couple of days hoping she'd stop asking questions. Then I found out on Facebook that my mom announced my miscarriage on her page."
"I didn't know about it [before she did it]."
"I was shocked and freaked out when I started getting calls from family members and I have no idea how many people knew about it."
"I was so mad to the point of shaking. Everyone kept berating me for not telling them."
"I called my mom and I yelled at her. she defended herself saying that she was just looking for support and that I should've told her about it the first time she asked what was wrong."
"I asked her who told her and she said she had a talk with my doctor but I shouldn't be mad because she's my mom and she had the right to know what's going on. I argued with her about getting involved in my personal life and disregarding my feelings and catching me off guard like that."
"I went to the doctor and I lashed out at her for releasing my private medical information to my mom and causing me to deal with everyone asking why I was hiding my miscarriage from them even though I was just waiting for the right time. I told my doctor that I was going to file a complaint against her the same day since she didn't respect my privacy and decided to give my mom information about my medical records."
"I've only been with this doctor for a short time. My pregnancy didn't last long and I honestly have no idea how my mother knew which doctor I was seeing."
"My mom heard [about the complaint] and started berating me saying it wasn't the doctor's fault and that she was a friend of hers she knew year's ago that I didn't know about. She said that I went too far and acted like my family were strangers."
"She said that she's my mom and I didn't need to overreact like that."
"All I needed was time and space. Now I have to deal with all this stress and I'm a mess right now."
"I'm not talking to her anymore after the argument we had. She sees nothing wrong with what she did and says that I'm overreacting and that this is my family and they deserve to know."
"No matter what I do, contact or no contact, she never understands nor realizes she's overstepping boundaries. She managed to convince everyone that she was trying to be there for me but I'm being unreasonable."
"I'm dealing with enough already and I didn't need all this stress and anxiety. I stopped talking to everyone because they kept saying that I was in the wrong and should've told them about it."
"My brother texted me a few minutes ago and said he wants to come over and talk to me. He was the first to call me and berated me and said that I was being hostile towards everyone for no reason."
"I haven't replied to his text yet but I don't want to see anyone right now. I can't take one more word from them."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was definitely not the a**hole.
"NTA. As a matter of fact, if what you are saying is 100 percent true, your doctor broke HIPAA violation and that is grounds for termination at the very least." ~ Phantasiexo
"I would say that anything less than almost immediate termination is, excluding special circumstances (if there could be any), a soft punishment, what that doctor did is blantantly and completely illegal and terrible ethically as well." ~ technoteapot
"The doctor violated OPs trust twice. She shared devastating personal medical information, and then she contacted OPs mum again, after OP yelled at her, so her mother could try to prevent OP from lodging a complaint." ~ Ok-Beginning-5922
"NTA. HIPAA is there for a reason report the doctor." ~ paprika1321
"And if, on a small chance, you are in Canada. That is huge violation of PIPEDA." ~ raisingwatsons
"SHE POSTED ABOUT YOUR MISCARRIAGE ON FACEBOOK BEFORE SPEAKING TO YOU/YOUR OWN ANNOUNCEMENT????"
"It's only been a few days. Not only did your doctor blatantly violate your privacy and you absolutely should file a complaint, (that she is friends with your mother is irrelevant - the doctor should know better, and depending on the jurisdiction it's actually illegal) but your mother is the far bigger a**hole here - and so is every other family member berating you."
"So now not only do you have to deal with the emotional and physical toll of a miscarriage, you now have to deal with that bullshit."
"'She was just looking for support' is so incredibly selfish here - she didn't have the miscarriage."
"I am so, so sorry OP. NTA." ~ Kettlewise
"NTA. Those rules exist and that doctor is supposed to follow them no matter the circumstance." ~ Tokugawa
The OP may not be feeling very supported by her family, but Reddit was clearly on her side.
The doctor violated her confidence, her mother overstepped her bounds and the doctor needs to be reported for it.