They may get along like Peas and Carrots, but ONLY ONE WILL ESCAPE CERTAIN DEATH *maniacal laugh*
JKJKJK, they'll both live. But only one will have the official title. It's Presidential Turkey Pardon time!
Meat Meet Peas and Carrots, this year's gobblers vying for the annual pardon, because everything in Washington is completely fine and business as usual and going according to tradition! Peas and Carrots, come from a farm in South Dakota on a Hutterite colony (sort of like the Amish or Mennonites).
They really are handsome aren't they? Distinguished, you might say, like elder statesmen, but also birds.
Fun fact about Peas and Carrots: they were hatched in JUNE. Did you know that turkeys matured so quickly? I assumed they were around for years and years just doing turkey things before they were ready to be eaten, mainly because they look like deeply disgruntled old men who've had it, but with feathers and stuff. Though they're probably women because I don't think you eat man turkeys? But gender is a construct so who cares. Anyway, they grow up so fast is my point! *dabs sentimental tears*
Other fun facts about Peas and Carrots that may affect your decision about whom to pardon. This information comes directly from the White House, so you know you can trust it.
For me, this isn't a contest. Braid Paisley is lame, ice fishing is cold and boring and I don't care for a boisterous anything, let alone a gobble. And while "telemark snow skiing" is like, come on with the hipster bullsh** Carrots just be cool, I do love a strong and confident man, so I feel like Carrots and I have more in common. Peas gotta die.
KIDDING AGAIN NEITHER OF THEM ARE GOING TO DIE CALM DOWN.
Anyway, if you're wondering why we do this every year, it has multiple origins, technically starting with ol' Abe Lincoln. The New Yorker made this little video about it:
The "pardon" part, however, has origins that seem very fitting in 2018: it was a diversionary stunt by Ronald Reagan to deflect questions about whether he'd pardon Oliver North and John Poindexter in the Iran-Contra Scandal, according to NPR. Neat!
Anyway, the Peas-or-Carrots debate proved divisive on Twitter!
While the more benevolent among us simply couldn't choose:
And others took this as an opportunity to heckle the turkeys for their shortcomings, because the internet is mean:
And still others couldn't help but get topical:
Anyway, as befits America in 2018, the turkeys are currently in a dead heat, with all precincts reporting.
Will there be a recount or a runoff? Watch this space!
HBO