Many children who were adopted or conceived via sperm donor or are the result of a brief encounter have an interest in meeting their biological parents at some point.
But that is not always the case.
Reddit user devilchild18's biological dad reached out to her on her birthday, trying to get her to meet up with him. After telling him off in some pretty extreme terms, the Original Poster's (OP's) mom said she had been too harsh.
She asked the anonymous users of the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" whether they thought that was the case. They weighed in on who was in the wrong by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Her post was titled "AITA for refusing to forgive my sperm donor?"
"My mom (34 [Female]) and my sperm donor (43 [Male], let's call him Steven) met when my mom was 17. My mom was already dating my dad, but was dissatisfied with how he treated her, so she cheated on him with Steven and ended up pregnant with me."
"Steven was manipulative, vindictive, and an alcoholic back then judging from the stories my grandma told me about him, which my mom didn't see until she told him that she was pregnant, and that she would not get an abortion. He would apparently drink and self destruct in order to make my mom feel sympathy for him, and he nearly convinced her that aborting me was the best option."
"She snapped out of it when she learned that he was also abusing hard drugs. She left him, and decided to keep me. She got back together with my dad five months into her pregnancy and my dad decided to be my father figure. Even though he hasn't treated me the best, I'm still forever grateful for him taking me as his own and giving me some kind of guidance, even though he had every right to leave for good."
"I (17 [Female]) have known about Steven since I was 10 years old, and he didn't even try to contact me until last month, on my 17th birthday. Not to sound like a b*tch, but it ruined my birthday. He was talking about how he wanted to meet me, how he regrets walking out on me, and how it was a mistake he made when he was younger."
"I left him on seen, because there was no way I was going to deal with him on my day. He started asking me if I was still there, generally being annoying as f*ck. Then, had the audacity to ask me to ask 'Come on, don't you want to meet your dad?' When I left him on seen."
"When I tell you my anger went from 0-100... I mean my blood was boiling. Despite how angry that message made me, I calmly asked him 'What day is it today?' and just as I thought, he wrote 'Thursday, why?' I was now angry crying, and I didn't give a f*ck if anything I said hurt him. I wrote 'How dare you have the audacity to call yourself my dad when you didn't even know that today was my birthday? Yeah, you can go straight to hell.'"
"He said 'Oh, so you're just going to judge me based on a mistake I made and what you probably heard about me?' I wrote 'No, spilling milk is a mistake, forgetting your keys is a mistake, you impregnated a teenager when you were 26, tried to convince her to abort me, and then abandoned us. You were an adult, not a reckless teen. You don't get to call that a mistake. F*ck you and your newfound desire to meet me. You've been dead to me all my life, why crawl out of your grave now?'"
"He replied, 'I want to fix what I've broken.' I replied 'Listen, I already have a dad, I don't need you. And you didn't break me, you were never around to do that so get over yourself. I've been thriving without you.' When I vented to my mother about this, to my surprise she told me that I was too cold and I should've heard him out. I don't think I owe him a damn thing. AITA"
Many, like OP, thought her biological father deserved to be shown the door.
"NTA. hes a complete and utter a**hole. Thank god your mom left him, he seems like the worst of the worst. HE DOESNT GET TO CALL HIMSELF A FATHER UNTIL HE ACTS LIKE ONE. you dont owe him anything. He sounds like a predator that looked for a young fling and got mad when his actions had consequences. He doesn't deserve sh*t, he already broke too much for it to be fixed." -tropicalvans
Others agreed with the sentiment, but warned OP not to let her hate poison her soul.
"NTA and wow, even in your anger for his birthday-ruining bomb drop...you articulated that very well. He couldn't really argue with the truth you told. Maybe your mom sees him differently because she knows that, like every person, he is not all bad or all good. Her mom (your grandmother) is protective of her daughter, so she likely didn't see him as anything but bad."
"You have only their experiences for information. You are carrying a great deal of rage at him, so perhaps your mom doesn't want that to color your life. You don't have to see him or punish him or forgive him, just don't let that anger poison you." -cautiousoptimzm
Redditors who had been in a similar situation agreed with OP on this one.
"NTA. He hasn't been there you're entire life, and you've been okay with that. It's entirely up to you to decide if you EVER want a relationship with him. It sounds like he's a deadbeat who would do nothing but put stress on your lifeS it sounds like you made a great decision for yourself. Especially given the fact that he tried to guilt you ON HIS FIRST CONTACT."
"I also don't know what it is about mothers and their children's absentee fathers, but mine did the same to me when my sperm donor crawled out of the woodwork and pulled the same BS to me. I still have no relationship with him and I feel that is the best decision for me. Stay strong, and block him if you don't want to hear from him anymore." -DrAniB20
Some people worried what else OP might be welcoming into her life alongside the biological father.
"NTA. You are never under any obligation to welcome someone into your life after they had the opportunity and squandered it. Furthermore, if he's an addict you have no way of knowing what you could be agreeing to dealing with if you had agreed to speak to him. You don't owe him anything." -ari-is-tired
OP's post even inspired some silent Reddit users to speak up.
"NTA. I'm a lurker by nature, but your story is almost identical to mine (sperm donor was a drug addict and 10 years older than my mom, I have a rocky but loving relationship with my dad who raised me as his own) so I thought I'd actually give my two cents this one time. I was 18 when my sperm donor found me on Facebook, and I unfortunately decided to give him a chance to be a part of my life..."
"What followed has been 3 years of a narcissistic AH making nonstop excuses as to why he wasn't a part of my life, with his favorite being that my mom was entirely to blame and that he couldn't fight for me because my mom was from a small town and he as a black man couldn't go up against a white lady (my mom is mixed with white and Puerto Rican, but she's dark enough that everyone thinks she's black). He also loves to mention that "the fact is that I'm you're father, I brought you into this world" (his exact words)."
"It sounds like your sperm donor is very much the same. So do yourself a favor and stick you your guns about not owing him a damn thing!" -natethegreat615
People thought the OP should be proud of the way she handled herself.
"NTA you're 17? Honestly this is a more thought out and well put together answer then I would expect from adults. Steven was still being manipulative in those texts. He didn't break anything, you're right. He wasn't there to break anything. You have a dad and you owe Steven absolutely nothing."
"You should be really proud of yourself for standing up for yourself. I get where your mom is coming from... She probably thinks it would do you some good to know your bio dad. But you know what's good for you better than she does. You are a bada** and you should be so proud of yourself for being so strong." -Tbhstilllearning
Family dynamics are complicated, especially when one parent has been absent for years.
*If you enjoyed this article, you can read more like it by clicking on the AITA link below.*
The book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents is available here.
