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And you thought your love life was complicated...
A woman in Britain has had her relationship with a 92-year-old German invalidated by a British authority, who will not affirm her long-term commitment to her beau.
Which is an outrage! Or it would be, if the 92-year-old German in question weren't literally a chandelier.
No, that's not a euphemism or a cool new slang phrase. It's exactly what it sounds like. Amanda Liberty of the UK is in love with a chandelier. The type that hangs over your dining room table, or that Sia so fervently sang about. The chandelier, which Liberty purchased on eBay, even has a name: Lumiere.
Recently, Amanda and Lumiere's relationship was mocked in the UK tabloid The Sun in an article which doles out a fake award to wacky Londoners called the Dagenham Award, because Dagenham is "two stops past Barking" (think "barking mad") on the London Underground.
Liberty identifies as a so-called "objectum sexual"--someone who is attracted to objects. She previously made public a relationship with the Statue of Liberty, which is the origin of her surname.
Liberty complained to the British press regulator, Ipso, about the article that offended her for both its disrespect and its inaccuracies:
The Sun identified her as being married to Lumiere, but they are as yet only in a committed relationship.
The panel, however, determined that while it understood why Liberty found the article "offensive and upsetting," her attraction to the chandelier does not qualify as a protected sexual orientation and that it was dismissing her complaint.
"Clause 12 provides protection to individuals in relation to their sexual orientation towards other persons and not to objects."
"As such, the complainant's attraction to an object did not fall within the definition of sexual orientation as provided by Clause 12 and the terms of Clause 12 were not engaged."
Naturally, the internet is having a field day at Amanda's expense.
@thedailybeast Their wedding night.... https://t.co/g1gyAR0DM5— yviedoesit (@yviedoesit)1586967585.0
They shouldn't have made light of it https://t.co/jZnlH7meBl— Quarantined Guy in VA (@Quarantined Guy in VA)1586967482.0
I have a lot of questions. https://t.co/nQXZvtd2gg— Phillip Iscove (@Phillip Iscove)1586981732.0
@jimwaterson When she heard Sia's song https://t.co/uicFnp0XL7— Nick Walker (@Nick Walker)1586857710.0
@ClarkHistoryPol @jimwaterson @philipjcowley And never dims— Tom (@Tom)1586857965.0
@jimwaterson Hard to see how she can just switch off her feelings for it.— Adam Smith (@Adam Smith)1586857882.0
Illuminating .. https://t.co/2na84OObCU— Arron Banks (@Arron Banks)1586857678.0
It was just one of those on again / off again relationships. https://t.co/nPQDvTxVgV— Matthew Hodson #StayHomeSaveLives (@Matthew Hodson #StayHomeSaveLives)1586903853.0
I wonder when she had her light bulb moment and realised that chandeliers were her thing. An illuminating piece. https://t.co/neCIr6aJF9— James Dickson (@James Dickson)1586902527.0
You know the worldâ��s gone mad when you see headlines like this and just shrug. https://t.co/bai5sDAo4L— Neil Collins ð��· (@Neil Collins ð��·)1586954229.0
@KattyKay_ Shocking but worth highlighting.— humphiebackit (@humphiebackit)1586904226.0
I mean we might see more people having a go at this if we are stuck in for another three weeks tbh https://t.co/obqCVtLBHq— Jo Hoare (@Jo Hoare)1586861099.0
It seems like the consensus is pretty firmly Team Newspaper and not Team Amanda Liberty. But with all the darkness in the world, can't we just let people enjoy whatever light they can find?
Justice for Amanda and Lumiere!