When Redditor "SeniorDingo" discovered a woman he dated became pregnant, he did not take the news well since he was not ready to be a father.
Despite mutually taking preventive caution, here they both were involved in a situation the Original Poster (OP) was not happy about.
The woman—whose name was Maggie and had been on a work visa—wanted to keep the baby. According to the OP she pressured the resistant OP into a romantic relationship.
Things changed when their baby daughter arrived, and the OP instantly fell in love with her. Unfortunately, an act of deceit would soon tear this family apart that involved deportation out of spite.
The OP wrote:
"After casually dating for a few months she told me she was pregnant and she wanted to keep the baby, I wasn't happy about this at all this was not how I pictured starting my family."
"I was always careful and wore protection even though she told me she was on BC."
"After many discussions, I resigned myself to my fate of becoming a dad. I had no interest in having a romantic relationship with Maggie, something she kept pushing for."
"So the baby arrives and I just fall in love with her instantly, I ended up love being a dad to her and me and Maggie seem to be doing an okay job of managing to coparent."
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However, there was a sudden change in plans that devastated the OP.
"One day out of the blue Maggie tells me she's met someone, initially I'm okay with it only slightly concerned as this will be a new person in our daughter's life. Then she hit with the kicker."
"He lived all the way on the east coast and she planned on moving and taking our daughter with her, it was like a gut punch."
"I immediately told her that wasn't happening and I wouldn't allow it. It turned into a pretty big screaming match with her pretty much telling me she's doing it and there's nothing I can do the stop her."
Introducing the OP's influential brother—an apparent piece of work.
"For the next few days I couldn't eat or sleep properly, on a conversation with my brother he told me to go talk to a lawyer, something about my brother he's always been a calculating SOB."
"Remember that work visa? He reminded me to bring up the fact that it had expired quite a while ago."
The OP was not about to become separated from his baby.
So he got his hands dirty and heeded his brother's advice.
"Well I did that."
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"Long story short...Maggie got deported and banned from entering the country for several years and I got full custody."
"This wasn't my first choice but I'll take it over only seeing my daughter once possibly twice a year."
A friend spoke up about his actions.
"I was telling a close friend the story and she told me I did the wrong thing and that I shouldn't have taken a daughter away from her mother."
"I said she planned on taker her away from me and playing house with a man I knew nothing about and she barely knew."
In an update, the OP clarified with several key points that he gave her plenty of options to make this work.
"I did try and talk her out of moving a few more times, she refused."
"I asked if she would consider handing me primary custody, she refused."
"I asked her to leave our daughter here with me for the first few months just to see if they would work out, she refused."
"I asked if he would move here, she said he couldn't and never gave any real reasons."
The OP asked the AITA (Am I the A**hole) subReddit if he was wrong for having the mother of his daughter deported.
Redditors weighed in to declare either of the following.
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
"ESH. She shouldn't plan to move so far away, without your consent. That shouldn't be legally possible with shared custody."
"But you deported the mother of your daughter. Holy sh*t. You will pay a fortune of therapy sessions." – SCKR
"ESH. You could have gone to court and tried to get a custody arrangement which would have prevented her moving."
"You could have told your ex about her visa and given her warning. Now your baby won't see her mom for six years, you are a huge A-hole."
"Obviously she is also TA for trying to move cross country." – callmeishmael517
"I think it's ESH here."
"Weaponizing deportation against your baby's mother is a f'ked up thing to do, effectively kidnapping a baby from their father is also a f'ked up thing to do."
"I think weaponizing deportation is a little worse, though, since he had a lot of other options that could have ended with the baby having both parents." – VortexMagus
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A discussion about the child's citizenship followed.
"I'm not sure where OP is located, but in some countries the child who is born in the country (and therefore a citizen) is ruled to be in the custody of the parent who is the citizen after the other parent is deported." – lemonpolarseltzer
"The kid is a citizen by birth. The mother isn't a citizen. Most countries protect their citizens and award them with custody if the child is a citizen."
"Not just US or Canada, Japan does the same thing. Japan almost never award "foreigners" with custody if the child is a Japanese citizen." – TsukasaHimura
"I think here it is citizen determining, though citizenship OR motherhood should be no reason to get full custody over the other parent." – Threwaway42
"If this guy is in the lives in the US then his kid is automatically an American citizen because the 14th amendment states any child born on American soil is automatically a citizen." – Vanshitarani
"Because, CLEARLY, the child was born in the United States and is a United States citizen."
"The mother is not a US Citizen, but the father is a United States citizen."
"I say clearly because one the mother's European and two she wanted to move all the way across the country to the East Coast, so clearly America. Welcome to the wonderful world of immigration law." – ChaosDeLane
This Redditor declared the OP was partially wrong and also commented on unfavorable court decisions when it comes to custody battles.
"I dont think hes a major a**hole, she was being highly unreasonable and didn't want to even try to work something out with him, she kept antagonizing her."
"If you had a child and you knew they were getting taken away from you for a very long time wouldn't you try to do whatever you could to stay with her?"
"And a court case in custody's are very unfair, most of the time the court and jury are lenient towards the mother as its stereotyped that the mother is the one with all the love and care for the kid and in a lot of court cases, even if the mother is in the wrong they get the major part of the custody."
"So i think he's NTA, i agree they could have done something else but she was being unreasonable and he wanted nothing to do with her, and out of nowhere comes her new man that wants to take away her biological child."
"I would have done the same thing he did, even if it was selfish as hell he gets to spend time with his daughter full time and if he wishes, he can get with a woman he actually loves and grow up with a happy family." – BruhSoundEffect4
The OP addressed the questions raised by other Redditors in the thread.
"I am the father without a doubt (DNA test)."
"My work doesn't permit me much time off, at best I would have only been able to fly out 2 times in a year."
"My whole family is here and have always played a big part in our daughter's life, her mother visited once."
"I did file for child support on the advice of my lawyer, although I haven't ever received a penny. I never chased it."
"I did agree to fly out once and she cancelled, never tried to arrange anything more."
"She does video chat with our daughter regularly and my daughter knows who she is."
Most of the comments in the thread thought the OP's vengeful act was unfortunate and the mother was unreasonable.
Ultimately, it will be the daughter who will suffer the consequences as a pawn in their parental clash.
*If you enjoyed this article, you can read more like it by clicking on the AITA link below.*
The book Child Custody: Doing What Is Best For Your Kids: Find Out Your Rights and Learn is available here.