A working father admitted to being jealous of his wife, who enjoys a life at home since she took her permanent maternity leave.
Redditor "Choice-Chad" said there was never room for negotiating with her about going back to work.
After tiring of constantly tending to their kids and helping the nanny while the wife watched TV, the Original Poster (OP) looked into a job opportunity that would allow him to be a stay at home dad.
But the prospect was shut down in a fiery argument.
"My wife and I have been married for 4 years and have two children, 1 and 4," wrote the OP.
"Since she first got pregnant and took maternity leave she decided to become a stay at home parent."
"This wasn't something we discussed or talked about, she just decided to do it and any discussion what shot down."
"It wasn't that much of an issue as I earn a good wage, but it did mean some expenses had to be cut back and it left the mortgage entirely on my shoulders."
After a couple of years, the OP revisited the topic of returning to work.
"When our first child was 2 I tried bringing up whether she'd like to go back to work, but the slightest hint of this just brought arguments about and I learnt not to bring it up again."
"We had a joint account that I transferred money into each month for the household expenses. My wife demanded, and it wasn't a discussion it was a demand, that I hire a maid to help her around the house."
"This ended up becoming a live in nanny/maid who does pretty much all the household chores and looks after the kids."
"I've been working from home the entirety of this year and I've been helping the nanny with the chores and the kids. I noticed all my wife does is either sit in front of the TV or sit in her phone/tablet all day."
"In truth I got jealous, why don't I get to sit back and relax?"
"I enjoy being around my kids more and being at home more and when i spoke to my boss there was a position available for me that would allow me to work from home 3 days of the week and 2 days at the office."
"This of course comes with a pay cut, but if I just stop transferring money into our joint account then the mortgage/bills/nanny are covered."
"I brought this up to my wife and it was as if I suggested we murder her mother. Screaming, shouting and arguing. There's no way I'm allowed to earn less or stay at home."
The OP asked AITA (Am I the A**hole) for wanting to be stay-at-home dad.
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors flat-out identified that the OP's marriage was unhealthy.
"I reserve my judgement. leave your wife." – ethanolflavoredbagel
This Redditor was shocked and exclaimed, "What the hell?"
"OP, women can be abusive too. Even if you aren't being hit, YOU ARE BEING HURT."
"Your partner being completely unwilling to DISCUSS anything with you- without it becoming a screaming match- IS an issue."
"Your partner 'demanding' things in such a way and telling you what you are 'ALLOWED' is really, really concerning behavior that is not normal, healthy, or okay in any relationship."
"The Gottman model for a successful relationship with LONGEVITY suggests that one of every five interactions at most would be negative. Think about that."
"Think about the last five 'conversations' you've had with your wife, and ask yourself if this is something you really want to do forever. Think about YOU." – sashimi_girl
The implication that "nothing will be lost" if the OP left her was challenged.
"Not true, he is very very likely to have to pay spousal support (alimony)."
"He's been supporting her financially for their entire marriage. Courts will have the expectation that he continue to do so for a few years after they separate."
"He'll essentially be paying for two households while only getting his kids half time, and will still be better off than anchored long term to a woman who shuts down conversations and has 0% willingness to compromise." – CreepyTale8
Those who are divorced weighed in with their wisdom and experiences in dealing with alimony.
"I've been married for 2.5 years and am getting a divorce."
"Based on the US national average I'd owe my ex-wife 7 months of alimony. At 7 years he'd owe her temporary alimony for years."
"Something important though is that most states will determine amount and duration based on a standard and adjust for the situation. Depending on the judge she may get under the average other may pay over." – unluckyMRG
"I got divorced after 2.5 years of marriage and owed $0 in alimony. It was great."
"She asked for alimony and the judge told her to get a job because she could easily make the same salary I was at that time." – Papabearto2
"Alimony is also based partly on the theory that the SAH spouse maintains the house and cares for the children, freeing the other spouse to concentrate on supporting the household financially, and so is contributing to the money he makes. That is clearly not the case here."
"Another aspect is that the SAH spouse sacrificed her career to do this, which is also not applicable. She dropped her career to sit around all day while someone else takes care of everything."
"A lawyer would be sure to bring all this up, though she may be entitled to a certain amount by statute. All of this boils down to, consult a lawyer and not a bunch of internet strangers on this stuff." – QualifiedApathetic
This person indicated that not one party was entirely to blame but stressed the OP should consult with a divorce attorney.
"This isn't an AITA moment. Your wife is unilaterally making significant decisions about your relationships and family and you can't even have a conversation about it."
"This is genuinely a bad partnership and toxic marriage. And since the precedent has been set that decisions get made unilaterally, you get to do it as well."
"Don't have a conversation about it, tell her what you're going to do. Let the fallout be what it is. And talk to a divorce lawyer first. Please." – CreepyTale8
"That's my take too. Do what you want OP. She did. Stop transferring money to her, keep the nanny, she can fend for herself."
"Do it now before filing for a divorce so she has to support herself and she can set that precedent herself."
"I came into this thinking you'd be TA OP but so not even close. Nanny and sahm? And treating you like that on top of it. Oh hell no." – announcerkitty
The OP has not updated the thread with his next course of action.
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